The move from Al to a SNF

H1235

We moved mom yesterday. We told her about a week before the move (my brother insisted). When we got there she had packed up everything in the room. My brother insisted we bring whatever she wants, that there is room for. When I asked mom what boxes go she points to a pile. I bring them to my car and they have sewing materials and kitchen supplies. My brother brings her tv and two huge pictures to his car. He went on a tour of the new facility with me ( so he saw how small the room was) and I had told him days before a tv was provided. There was no possible way the pictures would fit. When I said we needed to go through the boxes before we bring them in, he said I have no right to root through her personal things. If she packed it it must have special meaning to her. She was very angry about the move and most of that was directed at me. She did not want any help packing! My brother tells me I should have helped her pack and it’s my fault. She packed arthritis creams and over the counter medicine that is not allowed in her room at the nursing home. Things got heated with my brother (not in front of mom). Her room is now decorated with random pictures that just happened to be packed rather than the more meaningful ones. As soon as she was settled he left for work. I was there for another 2 hours going through medication and paperwork. After that I went back to Al and sorted through boxes (invading her privacy). She had saved every little medication cup, she had so many empty toilet paper rolls, empty boxes of cereal… When I finally got got home I did her laundry for the week. Unfortunately my brother has taken today off work and is going to help me get things out of her AL room🙄. Mom has no bras and no pants so I will need to go there again today. I spent the evening making a list of everything that was missed because of the chaos. We are in a very rural location, so my house, snf, moms house and Al are all about 45 mins from each other. Before I left the facility I stopped in to say goodbye to mom. She was on the phone with my brother. He had asked if there was anything she needed. She tells him she wants a dictionary with large print that is at her house. The sad thing is, if my brother could easily find it I think he would probably bring it. Luckily I think he is too lazy to put any effort into finding it. What a mess. Thanks for listening to me rant.

ARIL

Yeah, that is frustrating for sure, with more to come today. This sounds like a series of events that will just have to be lived through, knowing that you can sort and straighten and improve things in time. But it’s tough to be giving so much and to see that even more work is being created for you. I am sorry about that.

Good job getting your mom moved, though—with or without a large-print dictionary. 🤣

psg712

I would definitely want a dictionary too lol. Sometimes you just have to roll your eyes. I am so sorry that your brother is making a hard situation more difficult for you. You are doing a great job with all of it.

When my mom knew that I was moving her from her house to AL in 2022, she insisted on packing a bunch of my dad's socks and underwear that she had saved (he passed more than 10 years before her move). Also bras that she wore prior to her mastectomy, which occurred in 2006. Yikes. I was able to unpack this mess before we loaded the truck. Since we were traveling 400 miles, I could not take up space with things she would not be using.

Anonymousjpl123

ooooff yes. Very frustrating!!! And the last thing you want is for her room to be cluttered on top of everything else. Very upsetting. That said, I hope otherwise the move is ok. I’m sending you positive vibes for your mom but also YOU.

harshedbuzz

@H1235

You are a saint. A dictionary???

When we moved dad to MC we told him it was for a temporary rehab stay. To that end, we used the facility's furniture and brought 2 weeks worth of clothing, new linens and comforter and a couple pictures. He never noticed we hadn't really personalized his room and he'd been the one who generally picked decor for their homes over the years.

A few days after he died, I drove to the facility to collect his things. I brought home 3 boxes of personal effects, photographs and such and donated the rest. On my drive home, I passed mom's first choice MCF— the one that wouldn't accept dad. Outside was a couple loading a U-Haul box truck with a massive breakfront, poster bed, a recliner, and many boxes. I felt so badly for them as they were likely in the same place I was emotionally.

Whatever goes in, will need to be cleaned out at some point.

HB

JulietteBee

More days than not, I am saddened that I have no siblings. However, hearing of your struggle, I am glad that the buck stops with me.

Last summer when I moved mom into IL, the only task I left her with was that of selecting what clothes gets donated and what comes with her. She also was told to go through her 6-drawer file cabinet.

I totally understood how physically difficult & emotional it would be for her to sort through anything else. Yet, it was so funny to me that for every 5 items I would throw in the donated pile, she would pull 2 items out. She even wanted to take an unused toilet seat riser. Some things, like the toilet seat, I went along with her. I knew that some items were going to go "missing."

She had NEVER used the thing, yet when she got to her apartment, she nagged us for days to put it on for her. While she was gone for dinner, hubby threw it out and simply told her it did not fit that toilet. He didn't lie, it was just obvious. The toilet was oblong and the riser was round.

I say all that to say, when your brother is gone to work and mom is at a social event or a meal, toss out some things. Sadly, by the next day, our parents no longer remember what they owned.💔

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249539#Comment_249539

Unlike many here moms memory is pretty good. Her logic and reasoning and the anosognosia are the biggest problems for her. She is also unsteady on her feet, but usually refuses to use her cane. She believes she doesn’t belong there and is perfectly fine at her house, where she thinks she can mow the lawn, reupholster her couch and power wash her swing. She is very independent and believes there is no need for me to help her with anything (that would include packing). I figured we would pack when we got to AL to move her even though she wouldn’t like it(just enough for a few nights, then sort through the room and bring anything we missed the next day). When we got there she had boxed up everything in her room. I did just leave all the crazy stuff in my car ( even if my brother didn’t like it) so things are ok in her room now. I went there the next day and had to dig through boxes to find the things that were forgotten. I also brought a few snacks for her to keep in her room. Everything I brought her was wrong. She was so angry about everything she would barely speak with me. I think her antidepressants might need to be increased.

JulietteBee

I was envisioning wall-to-wall boxes in a very small room. I am glad it has already been sorted out.🌷

ARIL

So sorry your mom is upset about the stuff. You have done amazing work here. Somebody has to make the reasonable choices: more underwear, fewer dictionaries… Your mom is lucky to have you, whether or not she is able to see that.

Some years ago I visited a friend of my MIL in an IL/AL facility, and the rooms were so crowded they felt dangerous to me. Think multiple old china cabinets packed to the gills with knick-knacks, plus tables loaded down with stuff. Depressing. But a useful lesson.

I also saw my MIL’s sister (without dementia) go from a full-size house to an apartment to AL to a SNF, downsizing each time. She made good choices about what was needed at every stage, and she gave other things away. I admired that. Still do.

No advice here. Just chatting. Hope you get a chance to rest after all this labor.