DH groped a female resident at his MC

White Crane

Dear Forum Friends, first, thank you all for your support and understanding on my previous post. It helps so much to know you are all here and we are all here for each other.

The social worker from DH MC called yesterday to tell me DH had been found in a female residents room during the night. He had his hand down the front of her pajamas but not inside her underwear. They got him back to his own room and back in bed. Then they checked her for any abuse or trauma and found she was not traumatized or hurt in any way. It's hard to write about this but I am trying to write with my head and not my heart. My head knows it is the disease but my heart hasn't come to grips with it. I love him so much and he always tells me he loves me. Now I am wondering if he was saying the same thing to her. If he were in his right mind, he would be horrified at his behavior. I am beyond sad. This is the third time during the last year and a half he has been in MC that he has done something of a sexual nature and I am praying the doctor can prescribe something to tamp this down. The social worker suggested I buy him a weighted blanket because she said, and I agree, he was probably looking for comfort and someone to snuggle with. Still, it's hard and I think it is going to be hard for me to visit him for awhile.

Brenda

JeriLynn66

Oh Brenda,

I'm so sorry. Hopefully medication will help. I can only imagine what you are feeling. You are correct that the behavior is the disease, but I know right now that doesn't help your heart. Be patient and kind with yourself as you work thru this. We're here for you. 💜

Karen711

Dear Brenda- I don’t have any direct experience with this but agree with Jerilynn to be patient and kind with your self. This is not your husband but this xxxxx disease! Hoping a medication change will help. Deep breaths 💜

White Crane

Dear JeriLynn66 and Karen711, Thank you so much for your support and caring. My hands are shaking as I type this.

easy23

So sorry you’re going through this. I have heard on this forum that some people got good results with cimetadine for sexual behaviors. I don’t know if that’s his problem though.

BPS

It is hard to separate what you head know from what your heart feels. That has been a challenge for me at times as well. Sometimes I put on a happy face when I go visit knowing she don't remember things she has done and said. Sometimes I visit out of a feeling of commitment and now routine not a desire to see her. I still care and want the best for her but not like I once did.

Jgirl57

I know there is really nothing to say to make the situation better but I am glad you are sharing with us and hopefully find strength from your forum friends. So sorry you had this gut punch . (((Hugs)))

harshedbuzz

@White Crane

I am so sorry this happened for all of you. Sometimes it is hard to reconcile what the rational head knows with what the heart feels. My dad did something similar with a young family member in an obviously confused state. However, much mom and this younger person tried to rationalize it as the result of his confusion, it was still traumatic all around.

I hope times helps you as it did us.
HB

Goodlife2025

I am so sorry you are having to reconcile the unreconcilable. BUT thank you for sharing your story as many of us out here appreciate your willingness to share what no-one would want to share.

Carl46

Dementia breaks your heart, doesn't it? I am so sorry.

CindyBum

Dang. Big hug

Lorita

I think this may happen fairly often in nursing homes and assisted living. My sister was in AL and she said there was a resident who would come.into her room.and try to get in bed with her. The staff finally had to keep her door locked to keep him out. I believe they are trying to find comfort and may even think the woman.because.of the dementia, might be his wife. I'm sure this is .disturbing to you and I am sorry. The staff will need to take care of this.

annie51

I can’t imagine what you’re going through. It’s so hard to keep saying to yourself that it’s the disease because it’s the physical person you love doing the things that make us mad, frustrated, sad, etc. I hope you find a way to get past this.

SDianeL

so sorry. I know it hurts. It’s very common in dementia. Here are the reasons:

• Increased sexual interest or activity:Some individuals with dementia may experience a surge in sexual desire or engage in more frequent or overt sexual behaviors. 
• Decreased sexual interest or activity:Conversely, some individuals may lose interest in sex or intimacy altogether. 
• Inappropriate sexual behavior:This can include disrobing in public, making inappropriate sexual advances, or using sexually explicit language. 
• Loss of inhibition:Dementia can impair the brain's ability to regulate social behavior, leading to a loss of inhibitions surrounding sexual expression. 
• Confusion and misidentification:People with dementia may misidentify individuals or situations, leading to inappropriate sexual advances or behaviors.” I know this info probably won’t help the hurt you feel but it may help others. Hugs. 💜

M5M

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73649/dh-groped-a-female-resident-at-his-mc

Oh, Brenda, how distressing. You are such a support to all of us, and we hate to hear that you have such a new burden in all of this misery. Give yourself room to breathe and process the situation. Many prayers and feelings of support and understanding are being offered for you.

Karen711

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249461#Comment_249461

Lorita- I wonder why they wouldn’t have locked him in his room rather than locking her door?

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249497#Comment_249497

Because restraining someone— chemically or physically is all kinds of illegal. And locking another resident in a room would be restraining them.

I can't speak to Lorita's sister's state, but in mine residents of AL, PC and MC are legally required to be able to lock their rooms. In many places I toured and where we placed dad, the doors locked when closed. If a resident didn't want visitors, they were free to keep their door closed/locked.

Carl46

Brenda, it might help to know that sexually inappropriate behavior is common in men and women with dementia. My wife made a friend in MC who propositioned every man who entered the room, including me right in front of my wife. I told her I didn't want a girlfriend because I had a wife, but she forgot it every time. It's the disease, not your husband.

Palmetto Peg

Brenda - I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My DH was very sexually inappropriate, and Cimetidine made a huge difference in his behavior. Ask the doctor at the facility to research it. In the meantime, please don't feel personally hurt. It is the disease, and has nothing to do with the way your DH felt about you when he was well. My DH holds the hand of his paid companion, and says she is his girlfriend, and I simply don't care. If that makes him feel more comfortable, I am okay with it. His companion is very good at removing a hand that has been placed inappropriately, and she just ignores any sexual talk. He is 90% better on the Cimetidine, and the rest of his behaviors are pretty benign. Please don't let this get you down! It's a long road with a lot of ups and downs - this too shall pass, as they say! Hugs!

White Crane

Thank you all so much for your support. It is so appreciated. HB, thank you for sharing about your dad. Two of my sons were visiting yesterday and we went to see DH. He wanted to hug me as soon as he saw me and I let him but must admit my feelings seemed frozen. I did feel sad, very sad. He called me his girlfriend and my son corrected him. Knowing this happens to others helps and in time I think my feelings will return but right now it's still hard. I looked up Cimetadine and it said it is used for the reduction of stomach acid. Is it also used off label for tamping down sexual arousal? Again, thank you forum friends for your concern and hugs and prayers.

Brenda

harshedbuzz

@White Crane

Yes, cimetidine is used off-label to reduce these sorts of behaviors.

This paper includes the kinds of meds sometimes used and potential side effects.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8563511/

The use of cimetidine is new since we dealt with this personally. I will say that the inappropriate behavior happened while dad was on an SSRI. Dad still talked incessantly about sex and sexual exploits despite being on 3 different classifications of medications on that list in the mid-stages— an SSRI, an atypical antipsychotic and androgen deprivation therapy for a prostate cancer recurrence.

HB

White Crane

Thank you, HB. I had no idea. I will talk to DH Dr. about this.