When is it time?

jca555

my DH is 56 years old and has FTD and is now losing his memory and he has no real speech or comprehension. I’ve already spoken with the family ahead of time that I know I am not special enough to be able handle things when we get to the later stages. My question is, how did everyone else decide when it was time for MC? How far ahead to you start to visit them? I’m already wrestling with this because he is progressing quite fast, much faster than in the beginning of all this. Any guidance from others who have made this hard decision would be great.❤️

l7pla1w2

This advice has been repeated here many times: If you have to ask, "When is it time?", it probably already is. Start your visits to MCFs now.

sandwichone123

I was still working, and the time came that I realized I'd have to choose: either full-time caregiver (followed by unemployed), or place him and keep my job. I realized I didn't want to be a full-time caregiver, particularly since we wouldn't be able to afford to do the activities he wanted to do. I didn't want to re-enter the workforce in my early 60s with no current contacts and no recent experience, so I placed him.

cdgbdr

I never would have toured facilities without this group. I completed an application for review today. Hopefully, he can be approved to be on the waiting list. This time last year, he was at home alone all day and although I recognized deficits, it was ok. Now, I have caregivers all the time. Since you describe a rapid progression, start looking now.

Carl46

I started looking when my doctor said my health problems were partly due to my care of my wife, and her doctor suggested it was time. Three months later, she declined still further and I did it.

Several of the residents of my wife's MC facility were more functional than your husband, as you describe him. In your shoes, I would start looking now. Once you choose a place, you could place him for a month so you could have a respite. You may well find that you and he both do better with placement, and decide to make it permanent. If not, you will have had a rest and he can come back to your home.

Timmyd

You should tour and be familiar with the facilities in your area before you need them and not wait until after you need them. I hope that I am still a long way from needing to use MC for DW, but I have visited a few nearby places and found the staff to be very thoughtful and caring. They are professionals and understand what we go through. It is part of their job to be supportive of people who may never be their customer.

annie51

Just as @cdgbdr said, I started touring facilities because of this forum, realizing I need a Plan B in case something happens to me. But as I was touring I started visualizing my DH being happier to be around other people, and me being happier that the heavy lifting in the caregiving would be left to the professionals. Then I can go back to being his wife who loves him and wants the best for him. I know it will be a hard decision but I am in an almost constant state of anxiety and I have to ask myself, isn’t my health important also?

SDianeL

please don’t wait. I was advised by this group and my daughter-in-law who is a nurse not to wait. I thought I had plenty of time. He was stage 5 when I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and I had to place him immediately. He declined quickly after placement and there was no way I could have cared for him when he became incontinent and bedridden. At least get him on a waiting list with one you choose after touring some. I toured 3. They usually have Social Workers you can speak with.

Metta

The advice here is excellent. While I don't ever want to place my DH, hoping to keep him home until the end, I have no back-up from family if I become ill. There is a Plan B ready if we need a MC placement. It is very scary and there is no perfect answer. We all do our best.

harshedbuzz

I started crafting a Plan B for my parents as soon as I got them moved back to this area and got dad officially diagnosed.

Mom wanted to keep dad home until the end, but I envisioned any number of scenarios in which that would not be a possibility, so I toured a dozen MCFs to pick my 3 favorites and understand what steps it would take to place dad. I also found a SNF that would accept him on the fly if mom was suddenly unable to care for him at home because of illness or death. This would have enabled me to place dad immediately and transfer him to MC as soon as I could get the application and physical done.

HB

H1235

In some places there can be a waiting list. We waited 6 months to get mil into Al and 6 months to get my mom into a nursing home. In my area if you are not ready when a room becomes available they will just put you back on the top of the list. Something to consider.