Hoping he will forget me

wose

Wondering if my DH forgets me, will things be better? It’s an awful thing to say, I know especially with all our circumstances. But, I’m faltering, fading and losing all hope. From the moment he sees me in the morning till bedtime, he insults me. I fix all 3 meals from scratch and the moment the food is put in front of him, the insults start. Breakfast lunch and dinner… like clockwork. I can now only see him at meal time because of this, but I don’t eat with him. I can’t. Today he told me my first husband( who died of leukemia ) told him to stay away from me and that all the people we worked with hated me. Should I believe him? It’s tearing me up inside. I feel like my whole life was a lie. The 24 hr constant belittling is wrecking my whole being. I’m trying so hard but nothings working, so I’m hoping he will forget who I am very soon for both our sakes. He was on Zoloft and then Lexapro with no results. I just can’t figure out why he hates me so much. We will only be married 16 years in September so memory wise I should be the first out😩 This is so freaking heartbreaking.

P.S. I just want to apologize for not chiming in on this forum lately and offering support and advice. Most times I’m at a loss now. Please accept my heartfelt condolences to all who have lost loved ones and also to those who had to place their loved ones. Iam truly sorry for your profound loss. I was and am praying and thinking of all of you. Thank you for listening.

SDianeL

so sorry you are going through this. It’s not him, it’s the disease. They seem to take their anxiety out on their primary caregiver. I know it hurts. We lose so much to this horrible disease. Is there a counselor you can talk to? Can you take a respite break? You’re not alone. We’re here for you. Hugs. 💜

annie51

Even though we’re all in the same fight, we’re not all enduring the same battles. Our battles are all somewhat different but we can relate to the heartbreak and pain they cause. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I don’t think I’d believe anything he says since this disease can cause so many delusions. Hugs and prayers for you.

weareallunique

"I just can’t figure out why he hates me so much." He , the intact he of 15 years ago, does not hate you— his brain has been damaged by a disease process and he is emitting verbiage from that broken brain. Ever hear someone who seems pretty proper emit some pretty spicy words if they stub their toe, hit a thumb with a hammer - imagine being stuck in that reactive unthinking state all the time .

Has he been seen by a geriatric psych doctor - perhaps there are other meds than can help him through this period.

Please talk to someone - the Alz Assoc has no cost help, link below. Also, you can talk to an elder attorney to see where you'd stand money wise if you placed him or legally separated or divorced. You may not want to go there but You have options- you do have choice and you absolutely have value .

I've posted this video before "Why are you more important than me?" It helped sort out the choices we have. The disease is in one of the spouses- it doesn't have the right to destroy the other too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaqZv1A-GTk&list=PLh41NYcDaN6pjheDhe68Vq8_13U3HLaIw&t=1s&ab_channel=EthicsinSociety

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PEMDAS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73662/hoping-he-will-forget-me

I can’t imagine how awful this situation is for you. I’m truly sorry. I feel the same but my circumstances are the opposite. If I am not right next to him his calling for me . My apartment is only 700 sq feet so I’m not far away.

He stares at me as if I’m about to disappear. Truly I can’t leave him alone for a moment even to check the mail. I’m getting tired and depressed

It’s so isolating.

Please take care of yourself and I don’t know what that means for you but being in the same situation is still so hard

Lgb35

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73662/hoping-he-will-forget-me

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Was he like this prior to being diagnosed? My DH says some hurtful things also but that is how he is. Please take car of yourself

cdgbdr

@wose

I am so sorry you are going through this. My DH started on Trazodone, and now is on Seroquel as well for his outbursts, delusions, hallucinations and accusations. Most were directed at the hired caregiver who, of course, quit. Please ask the doc about this behavior and how to address it. If this doc won't, ask for a referral. You shouldn't have to live like this. Placement may be the next step if you can't get things under control. I am praying for you.

Chris20cm

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73662/hoping-he-will-forget-me

I experienced the same thing with DW starting eight years ago when I was taking her through the agonizing evaluation process leading to the diagnosis of Alzheimer's. She was resisting everything and I was the target of all her hostility. She was put on Zoloft but the hostility toward me didn't quit until Seroquel was prescribed. That has made things tolerable. I learned that this antipsychotic medication, along with toning down the hostility, also takes away some positive emotions, but it's worth the downside, for us anyway.

I don't often think of that hostility as hate, but maybe it was, either way, I considered it intolerable. Maybe you could explore the possibility of Seroquel?

harshedbuzz

@wose

I am so sorry. No one should live with that sort of abuse regardless of the mental state of the abuser.

It's a given that whatever nonsense he's spewing is the product of a diseased brain and not some sort of truth he's been withholding from you. Emotional intelligence remains well into the later stages of the disease. My dad was similar; the man couldn't remember what he'd had for lunch, but he maintained the ability to shoot jabs intended to wound that were so specific to his victim that I sometimes questioned whether he was faking the memory loss and just a psychopath.

For dad, a geri psych made all the difference in medication management. His PCP felt out of his depth and his neurologist to a one-dose-fits-all approach— the geri psych created a cocktail of 3 meds which dialed back the nastiness and aggression without sedation. For the behavior you're describing Zoloft is like taking a knife to a gun fight. It's not going to butter the biscuit. It's likely time to try one of the atypical antipsychotics like Seroquel or Risperdal.

Placement is always an option as well. We actually found dad was more cooperative with his professional caregivers and, more importantly, with them prompting/managing his meals, meds and hygiene, dad's relationship with mom went back to warmer mutual affection which was a bonus I hadn't anticipated. YMMV.

HB

Palmetto Peg

I'm so sorry you are living in this nightmare. We can all tell you over and over that you are not the person he is describing, but the words still hurt. Please call the ALZ number and get some help. Different meds may be the solution, or you may have to place him in order to get relief. Do something before you are so demoralized you are unable to take action. We all care so much for each other and the pain of this disease. We are here for you! Big HUGS!!!!!

BPS

My wife would say some things about the past and how she felt about me, not to the extent as you are dealing with and it does make you wonder if that is how they always felt. I had a hard time with it for a long time, but as I look back I think that for the most part I have been a good person and done good things. I thought about some of her childhood years experiences that I know about and think what she says to me was from feelings (I don't think she remembers the events but still carries some of the feeling) she has carried her whole life and now they are all mixed up in her head so since I am the one she is around her distorted thoughts and feeling along with anything she dreams or see's on tv or anything has to be my fault. It may not be personal, but it still hurts and makes you wonder.

CMC62

I am so sorry you are dealing with such hurtful comments. Knowing it's the disease, and not your spouse, doesn't make it painless. I hope you get some help for yourself. I watched the video posted above, "Why are you more important than I am?" and it really resonated with me. And I am not dealing with anything as difficult as you are. I hope you are able to get some help. Hugs!

White Crane

Dear Wose, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this abuse. It hurts. Early on, my DH said some nasty things to our daughter in law and to two of our sons. His accusations weren't directed at me but I saw how much it hurt them…and it hurt me too that he would say such things. Medication did help. So did time. As his disease advanced, he stopped talking that way. As others have said, a Geri psych doctor might be able to help with medication. I know Dh PCP did not have the knowledge or experience to do much with medication. Have you thought about placement? Even a respite might help you. Sometimes I need to get away and think things through. Sending hugs and prayers.

Eloise0304

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73662/hoping-he-will-forget-me

I actually hate my DH. He is mean to me and abusive and violent. I do not love him anymore Even before the dementia he wasn't that nice. It would be better if you could just leave, that is what I want to do

Metta

Echoing the suggestions here for medication to help. DH takes Seroquel/Quetiapine. He does still say hurtful things to me, and I cry even though I know it is the disease, but he is much less aggressive. And other times he will be very sweet with "I love you" and "Thank you."

Many times I have also hoped he would forget me. He often does not know who I am. He talks to me about his wife sometimes and calls me one of the "ladies" or the "manager" or "mom." I think it has helped transition to hiring a paid caregiver part-time so that he is less attached to only me.

NMF

The “meanness” that comes attached to the disease is sometimes unbearable. It took some time for the tears and sadness to stop realizing it was the deterioration of the disease process causing such intolerable behavior. Sadly, I’ve been cursed at/yelled at. We sleep in separate beds due to REM behavior sleep disorder- acting out dreams.
I am quite a bit younger than my husband and sometimes desire for a dinner date filled with interesting conversation and laughter. I get tired of being treated so poorly even having an understanding it is the disease it still takes its toll. Sure there are tips on how to manage difficulties, BUT it is not always textbook “perfect.”

H1235

I’m not experiencing anything at the level you are, but I have to admit I often wonder if my mom and I will have a better relationship when she can’t remember me. She blames everything on me. I bend over backwards for her and nothing I ever do is right. I know it’s the dementia, but I understand that nagging feeling in the back of your mind wondering if this is just how she really feels about me. What feelings are real and what are dementia? It’s mentally overwhelming and so stressful. Medication my help but it’s tough to get right. My mom is in a nursing home. It seem I’m the only one she dumps her anger on. Do I really want her medication increased if she is only mad when I’m around? Or am I the only one she shares her true feelings with? I hope you can find a solution. Dementia is the worst!

addy103

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73662/hoping-he-will-forget-me

He doesn't hate you. It is not your husband speaking. My husband did the same thing and was threatening me physically. I had to place him. First of all, do you have a therapist? You might need medication, it is what is keeping me going. I know it's hard to accept your husband is gone and that the mean person attacking you is the sickness in his brain.

wose

Thanks everyone for your kind words and another swift kick in the keister! I’m stalling I know it. We do have a brand new Dr. appt. on Monday. It’s with a geriatric aging center with all the specialists in the same complex. They already sent me a long AlZ questionnaire and a bonus .. it’s with a Man. Hubby has had it w/ woman ( in general I think ) I am hopeful, if I could just make it till Monday. I was trying so hard not to go the drug route, but…. And I definitely need help so I’ll try again. I just wish I had a physical human face and body to hug me. Sorry, just feeling bad for myself. I know I have much to be grateful for. I truly am thankful.

Thanks again… thinking of all of you 💜

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249769#Comment_249769

I tried to avoid medication for anxiety for a long time. My anxiety has caused high blood pressure. I’m taking something very mild. I think for my overall health it’s a good decision.

BPS

"Hoping he will forget me". I sometimes hope for her to forget me. Then maybe I would feel less obligated to go visit her in MC. I think I would like it because then I may be able to take off and be gone for a couple weeks without thinking that she would feel abandoned or miss my regular visits. It may be all in my head, maybe she wouldn't miss my visits now. She has no real since of time. It has been 16 months and she thinks it has been a couple of weeks. When I see her she says it has been a long time even if it was just the day before. In reality it probably wouldn't matter to her, but I think it would be easier for me.

wose

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249806#Comment_249806

Yes, maybe I’m trying desperately to be off the hook, so him forgetting me would be a way out emotionally. Like @Palmetto Peg said… i am almost immobile from being demoralized.