How do I place my wife in a memory care facility?

John Fay

Terri is at stage five now and declining. I'm ready for us to go into a facility where I can leave when I need to and know that she's going to taken care of. But I need the facility to stop her from leaving when I'm not there and I'm not sure about the law around that. Do I need to acquire guardianship? Or something else? I'm in California if anyone has specific information there. Thanks for any hints or help.

terei

Memory cares are locked facilities. She will not be able to walk out + I assume she does not have the capability to contact a lawyer or others who could assist her. Start looking at facilities + find one you think would be appropriate. Do NOT discuss this with your wife and I suggest you do not mention to any facility that she might want to leave, which is pretty common anyway. The facilities are well acquainted with residents who think they need to leave.

H1235

Welcome. I’m a little confused. Are you looking for someplace for both of you to move or just her. If you are looking for a place for both of you that might be difficult. As terei said in memory care the doors will be locked and she would not be able to leave, but this would not be appropriate for you. Assisted living would not have the locked doors. It may work for you, but it would probably not be enough for your wife who could wander off while you are out. There might be something out there that would offer both options in different wings. I hope you can find a solution.

harshedbuzz

@John Fay

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

For placement, a spouse typically needs a DPOA or guardianship/conservatorship that allows you to act on her behalf.

There are CCRCs (continuing care retirement communities) that offer different levels of care on a single campus or different floors/wings of a large building. However, only the MC portions will offer a secure (locked) unit. Living in the independent apartment/cottage is much like living where you are now; you'd need to hire an aide to supervise your wife or enroll her in a day program to have the freedom to go out without her. Even assisted living that isn't enhance MC allows residents to come and go as they would in an apartment.

The only way you'd both occupy the same apartment/suite in a secure unit would be to both move into the MC of a CCRC or a free-standing MCF. That would be expensive and maybe not an appropriate setting for you although occasionally I have heard of wives who have done this.

Most people who need or want to go out without their spouse hire an aide or companion to come to the house. You can go through an agency, site like care.com or word-of-mouth to find someone.

HB

John Fay

Thanks for the feeback, everyone. It's helpful. I'm looking at a local, locked facility which has experience housing couples where one has dementia but the other does not.

MN Chickadee

You will need your power of attorney papers in place. A normal power of attorney will likely cover this, that's all we had when we moved mom to memory care against her will. If you don't have that you will need to consult an attorney to get it.

You may be hard pressed to find a unit that will work for both of you. Usually a locked unit is true memory care and does not work for the spouse without dementia, tour some and you will see why. And you would be paying memory care prices for yourself which would be like double or triple what a regular apartment or assisted living would be. You may find more of a room (not an apartment) you can both live in that is a locked facility. You may also find the right assisted living could work if they will move her to the memory care wing for the day when you are gone. Larger campuses with numerous types of care settings may be able to occupy her in a safe setting outside your apartment.

Have you considered adult day care? It can be a good stop gap when the caregiver just needs to be able to get away a little bit. Sort of like part time memory care as long as you can still manage at night in your home. If you move to a campus with day care on site, you could live in an independent or assisted unit and send her to daycare nearby as well if finances allow.