My own irritability as a caregiver
my DH has Alz, early to mid stage. My mood is so up and down in this caregiver role. I can feel very irritable, and angry with his responses. Other days I’m able to cope. I don’t like myself when I get so negative and can’t seem to let it go. I don’t take it out on him but I’m sure it shows. Any suggestions how to stop this thought process?
Comments
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I am new on this journey as well and oh so guilty of my own erratic responses to my DM. The most useful thing I've learned since being on this site is "D A.R.E." I now remind myself prior to all our interactions.
Do NOT Argue, react, engage!!!
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My DH is in mid stage of dementia and I find myself struggling with this same issue. I do appreciate JulietteBee's response of DARE. I'm going to start doing that. I feel so guilty when I've gotten angry with him.
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we understand the struggle. 2 things that helped me: I changed the way I thought about my husband. Instead of looking at him as my husband, I started thinking of him as my patient and me his nurse. It seemed to take the emotion out of it some. The second thing I did was repeat this mantra I learned on this forum: "You can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken" … I repeated that many times a day under my breath or in my mind. I also remembered my Mom saying when I would get upset as a kid. She would say count to 10 and say "pins & needles, needles & pins" …. and that stopped my being upset. Another thing I did was do everything else but care for him at night or early in the morning before he got up. That way I could devote 100% of my attention & time to him during the day. It helped when he asked the same question a hundred times or shadowed me. We caregivers are not perfect. We're human. We do the best we can. We keep trying to do better. Hugs. 💜
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I still struggle with this all the time and I also don’t like myself on those days that I can’t hold it together. You have received great advice already. I will add this poem that someone posted before…
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Sometimes I truly (momentarily) don’t care that this person that IS but ISN’T my LO doesn’t understand my irritability. I know he will forget whatever ugliness passed between us verbally. I won’t forget but he will. He will return to his “normal” while I will have an elevated heart rate, anger with no place to go and the guilt of knowing that once again I couldn’t keep it together.
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oh WIG023 and everyone who replied! I am so there too! It’s hard to give yourself a break when you feel you are always messing up!
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thank you JulietteBee for understanding and sharing DARE. I’ll be using that!
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Delinda60 - it’s good to know I’m not alone
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sDianeL Those are some helpful suggestions! You’re right, we do the best we can.
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Annie51 - what a wonderful poem! Thank you
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WIG023 I know that feeling also. True he won’t remember, my husband won’t, and we all place “Guilty” signs around our own necks. Let’s learn to love ourselves the way we deserve.
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It’s ok to lose it every once in a while. We are only human. Learn to forgive yourself with the knowledge that you are in a very difficult position. Try to be kind to yourself first and come back here often because you are not alone.
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maria12 Your words of kindness are greatly appreciated
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I understand. I am struggling. I never thought I would be in this position. I am not cut our for caregiving but am doing the best I can - sometimes good, sometimes not so good. My husband is in denial - went to a neurologist 2 years ago and would not cooperate. His short term memory is very bad, he forgets his grandchildren and sometimes talks to me like i'm someone else. I don't know how to help him - or myself!
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hang in there- we understand
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You are most welcome! I was so gr
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First, I would say, don't beat yourself up over it. You are already going through so much.
Patience is not infinite. You aren't going to be in the best mood everyday. Remember how much you care for them and try to do better the next time. Exhaustion and constant stress does a real number on your nervous system. Try to get breaks (coming from a sole caregiver who has a hard time making this happen). It does help to step away and be able to think your own thoughts.
You are doing great and keep being aware of your feelings.
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Thank you CassLoftis! I do need to be reminded to take breaks, and keep an eye on the stress level.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all meet in small groups, groups by location, and help one another?
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yes it would
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We had in-person support groups before the pandemic. I don't know if your local branch of the Alzheimer's Association has such groups now or not, but it would be worth a phone call to see.
I agree that we don't have to be perfect. I certainly am not. The perfect man married the perfect woman, and they rode off on their unicorns to live happily ever after in the land that never was.
Irritability can be a sign of depression. I have taken antidepressants since my son died in 1994, and I strongly recommend discussing them with your doctor.
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thanks PegHamilton
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Carl46 thanks I will check on the in person group. I do currently participate in an Alz group on Zoom.
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I can’t imagine the grief. You have my sympathy.
yes irritability does go with depression. I have been on anti- depressants for years, before my DH diagnosis. Am seeing the Dr Monday. Thank you.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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