Husband Proofing my home.


I childproofed my home when my kids were little and never in a million years did I think that I would have to do this to protect my lo. I just padlocked the ladder so he can’t climb up on the roof. He’s 73 and too old to be on the roof and his dementia has been costing me thousands of dollars in repairs after he “fixes” stuff. How do I stop him from using the stove? He fills the house with smoke and was cooking boxed Mac and cheese in a FRYING pan. He leaves the stove on. Taking the knobs doesn’t work. He constantly says that I’m attacking him when I am just trying to keep him and the rest of us safe. He was changing the oil in the car but he drained the transmission fluid. $300 plus towing to fix it. $900 to fix my HVAC system after he “fixed” it. He did ac repair for over 40 years and thinks he can still fix stuff but he can’t. I’m new to this. How are you getting the numbers? I just have a diagnosis of dementia.
Comments
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I hear you! My LO was a capable DIY but no longer is yet still wants to fix things. He gets frustrated when I do it and tells me I treat him like a child b taking over tasks he once did like changing the HVAC filter or dealing with a drain clog. When I try to involve him, it is usually so hard! I give specific, step by step instructions that he cannot follow. He makes the same mistake over and over. I try to distract him away from the task, he gets irritated. I cannot win. Involve him and it is a disaster. Don’t involve him he gets irritated and verbally upset.
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@Kalela69 Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.
Given his diagnosis, if he's not already on medication to dial back his reaction to being redirected, I would absolutely explore that. If he's already on something, he may need a dose adjustment or an additional medication.
Meanwhile, one of the best strategies is to remove visual triggers that encourage these sorts of projects. That means a keyed lock on the HVAC system and the car parked in a locked garage or around the corner. Lock up his tools out of sight as well. If the range is electric, shut the power off at the circuit breaker.
He sounds like a good candidate for a day program which would engage him and hopefully return him to you tuckered out.
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So many odd things we have to watch out for. DW likes to do the dishes by hand which makes her feel like she is contributing, but I have to monitor. She likes to dry the pans by putting them on the stove and turning on the burner. Rather than using a cloth. My sense of smell is still good, so that helps.
Best if I dry and put away, because otherwise I have to find everything and put it where it belongs, to save time later.She doesn't do any of the cooking or shopping. When we shop together, she puts things in the cart we don't need, most of which I put on a shelf somewhere when she's not looking.
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As far as the range, have you explored the knob covers? You can purchase and put them over the knobs.
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for his safety dementia proof your home and garage. Checklist is below. Learn to fib. The car is broken. The stove is broken. I will call repair person then redirect or distract with a treat. We get the stages number online. Google 7 stages of dementia and look for a chart that shows behaviors in each stage. Note that behaviors can overlap stages or not appear until a later stage. Here’s the link to the checklist:
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pS: read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos. Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow have good ones. Come here often for info and support.
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Sorry sdianel, but I disagree. Being he is a handyman I would not tell him anything is broken. He will have it all torn apart. You naturally talk with your spouse about life and things that need to be done, but that can’t be shared anymore. If you tell him you took the car in to get an oil change he will be upset, because he could have done it. If you casually mention the dishwasher is making a funny noise, it will be torn apart. May it’s time for his tools to start disappearing. If you get rid of them just a few at a time maybe he won’t notice. Keep some basic tools for yourself in a tote in the garage under some life jacket or something. My mom loves to sew. I can’t tell you how many clothes she has ripped the seams out of, to resize. Some of them were brand new and I could have just returned them for a different size. The anosognosia is the worst. I will attach the staging tool sdianel mentioned. It’s very helpful. I also attached a good article.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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