Moved Mom to Assisted Living

Rustyd

Hello, I am new here and just hoping for some suggestions and insight. My mom was diagnosed about 2 years ago. She recently fell and broke her hip. I have been trying to move her for over a year with no success. She is in complete denial and insists that she can take care of herself. She is 89 years old, doesn't drive, and doesn't cook. After she was released from rehab, we took her straight to AL. She is furious. Says she hates it, doesn't want to be there, and will jump in the pool and drown if I don't take her home. This happens nearly daily. I am an only child and I don't know how to handle all of this. I feel like I am already drowning. Thx in advance for any input.

JulietteBee

Hello and welcome to the forum no one ever wanted to be affiliated with. A support group for caregivers whose loved one has this vile disease. 🫂

That is a tremendous amount of guilt that your mom is putting upon you. First and foremost, I would suggest you let the facility know of her threat. They need to keep a closer eye on her as you do not want to find out that she was not just speaking idle words.

Secondly, I would encourage you to not let her anger at you make you second guess your decision. You are doing your best to ensure her safety, as she did with yours.

I am also an only child. I had to move my mom out of her house/home of 40 years to an IL facility last summer. I had to have her give up driving and hand over the car to me.

Like a child, she cried and cried about the changes. Like an adult, I had to assure her that I am doing what is best for her.

Now, she is settled, making friends, and participating in the daily activities within the community.

One of the best tidbits I have learned on this site, since I joined a few months back is that we are tasked with keeping our pwd SAFE, not happy. My mom is now safe, and thankfully, happy. I believe your mom, in due time, will be too.🙏🏽

H1235

Welcome! She is not in denial. She has anosognosia. It is very common with dementia. It is the inability of a person with dementia to recognize symptoms and limitations. It is awful. I would recommend you talk with her doctor about medication to help with the depression/anxiety. Finding the right medication and dose can take some time to figure out. They usually start at a low dose and gradually increase it. We just moved mom from Al to a nursing home because her money ran out. She doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her and is very angry with me for putting her there. She believes she would be perfectly fine in her own home. I need to give it some time yet, but I think her antidepressants will need to be increased. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. To have mom think for the last few years of her life that I have betrayed her and stuck her in a nursing home against her will for no good reason, just kills me. To make matters even worse I have family and “friends” who feel the same way (because they have no idea how badly the dementia has effected her). Sorry I got off on my own rant there. I hope her doctor can help.

Rustyd

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250171#Comment_250171

Thx so much for this!

pamnc123

another only child here with a mom with Alzheimers. I'd say my mom is entering stage 6 - still living alone and about 35 minutes from me. I have 0 life - I have to work and my job is 45 minutes from my house in the opposite direction. So - no real down time for me. I'm falling apart. I share your anxiety and I don't know what to do. I'm lost. My mom told me if I try to put her in a facility I would have to kill her first and insists nothing is wrong with her other than just normal "old lady stuff" as she calls it. She is hallucinating and imaging things are going on - like people being rude to her and cussing her out when they clearly are not. She thinks her sister comes to her house and parks in the garage and doesn't get out to talk to her but talks to her from the garage. she will out of the blue just curse me out and let me have it for no reason. I guess I'm not helping you out here other than telling you you're not alone. I don't know which way to turn at this point., I hope your mom settles in like the previous poster said… I really do! Sadly, my mom wouldn't - I know that She is extremely difficult and stubborn. I doubt it will go as well as it's going for you even though your situation sounds horrible.

otfgirl750

I agree with JulietteBee. I heard it here and I remind myself often that you want them to be happy and safe , but sometimes you have to settle for safe. I also remind myself that you need to plan for the loved one’s worst day and not the glimmers of their former self best days.

sorry for the reason you are here, but there is great support here.

eaglemom

You've received such good advice.

I too am an only child. When I had to place my mom (Parkinson's) she wasn't happy at all. She could live at home - and take an hour to get down the hallway. That wasn't safe. And that was where I drew the line.

I made her room happy and bright, but she hated it and told me. Then she said if I left her there in the facility she'd never walk again. I had to play dirty, I said that was fine with me, she was the one missing out on the activities and fun. It was lunch time and I said I'd be at the table and walked out of her room. Very difficult for me, but I had to do that for her. Everyone was done with lunch but still chatting and here she came. I didn't say anything except to stand and help her into her chair. She wouldn't look at me, but by supper her snit was over.

I share that because I sometimes think caregivers are given the short stick. I doubt there is any caregiver who ever place a LO that didn't think this decision over a thousand times. Try to figure how to not have to place their LO. It's difficult on everyone.

If she's threatening you daily, maybe don't go see her every day. Or call her. Break the cycle of allowing her to complain. And you can say to her your hurting my feelings when you talk like that. Will she remember, I don't know, but you will have said it. And you will feel better.

eagle

JMNewell

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250209#Comment_250209

thank you for this post. It’s so hard to read your post because it rang so true. My mother just finished screaming in my face telling me that she is kicking me her house. When in reality, I am the one that takes care of everything around here, and if I left, it would all fall apart. My husband and I moved in with her to try to help her stay in her home as she has wished. I just don’t know how long we’ll be able to do it. My ears are still ringing from her screaming at me over something very small. She thinks that she can live her by herself, but she can barely use her right arm, her left knee hurts, and she’s 78 years old. She can’t work the land anymore, so it would literally just grow up around her.

eaglemom

This is a difficult disease. Your mom doesn't realize she's the problem and she never will realize it. So you have to find very creative ways to work around it. Of course she thinks she can live alone, because that's something she's always done. But now its different. There is a safety factor that comes into play. Her safety has to be your priority. If that means moving her, then that has to be the plan. She won't like it.

Could you possible get her to agree to go "just through the winter" type of thing? Or "just for 3 months, I want to have the entire house painted." Just something she might bite on. Does she know anyone in a facility? She could go visit them and see its not home, but its not awful either.

You have to find a creative way to let her think she's in control when in reality your totally in control. It's sneaky and feels awful doing it, but again I go back to safety. She has to be safe.

eagle