Should we visit every time my LO in MC calls and is scared?

Pippick

I so appreciate this group the ability to ask this question. I am supporting my mom long distance who is supporting her sister (my aunt) who is in memory care for Alzheimer’s. My aunt never married and has no children of her own.

My aunt calls my mom several times a day confused about where she is and sounding scared. My mom drops everything she is doing to go over to reassure her; but, on my mom‘s way back home or later that day my aunt calls scared and having forgotten the visit. I keep encouraging my mom to carry on with her life as much as possible and not visit every day or every time my aunt calls; but, for some reason, my mom carries some guilt or sense of duty to give her life over to her sister. Do you have any advice I can give to my mom to convince her that she can have a life? Website links would be great.

Quilting brings calm

Before rushing over there: Your mom should, first, call the memory center and inquire about how her sister is doing that day.

She should also tell her sister: I am coming over on x day, or tomorrow, etc. She ids catering to her and in turn, she’s twisting your mom into knots. This dementia disease is a marathon not a sprint. Your mom cannot continue multiple trips to the MC every day indefinitely. Plus her sister needs to develop routine on her daily schedule - which will reduce her anxiety

She should only answer her sister’s calls once or twice a day. Or call her sister first at a time convenient for her. She doesn’t not have to answer every phone call. That just encourages her sister to call more often. The MC WILL call your mom if your mom is actually needed.

If your aunt still has her own cell phone, it needs to disappear for a few days. Maybe it needs ‘repaired’ or some messages reviewed, etc. if you’d mom keeps it for a few days, her sister may forget she even has a phone. Again - the MC will call your mom if she is needed.

Finally -anxiety medication is needed here. Talk therapy won’t help because her sister won’t remember coping techniques between sessions.

SDianeL

ditto what Quilting brings calm posted. Dementia causes the anxiety. Your Mom going to visit won’t change that. Let the calls go to voice mail and call her once a day.

H1235

I agree with all the above. I don’t know of any specific website that will state this clearly for your mom. You might check YouTube. There is some great information to be found there. I don’t know if you will find one specific to your situation, but maybe. Since she is suffering from anxiety I would think meditation makes more sense than your mom burning herself out running there for every call. I hope you can get through to her.

Anonymousjpl123

Absolutely agree with all above. People with dementia don’t use the phone like we do. After reading countless posts here I’m quite sure the phone becomes a source of anxiety - the very anxiety they are trying to quell by constant calling. Your mom should even take time off by blocking her calls. This sounds outrageously mean, but her picking up is not lowering you aunts anxiety. Trust me on this one. Show these posts to your mom.

(FYI, The phone calls were one of the the things that nearly took me down caregiving. It was much easier FOR MY MOM when she eventually couldn’t use the phone. I call her place if I am worried.)

Hope this helps.