Mom's been in MC for a week

SiberianIris

She is confused by the move. The MC staff say she's handling it better than most. She is "polite and compliant" and willingly joins activities. For that I am grateful, because she was always a very social person. Mom is now early Stage 6, but still has strong social skills, and there are some other ladies in MC like that who have taken her under their wing. (Her friends in AL pretty much abandoned her when her dementia got beyond early stage 4.)

Staff say she is sundowning in the evenings and are going to try a low dose of mood stabilizer instead of Ativan, which was too sedating for her. She was already sundowning to some extent before the move to MC.

I live out of town, so I haven't been back to visit yet. My brother and niece went yesterday and said she was glad to see them, however, she was more concerned why she was there and couldn't go home. (She's being told she's there for rehab/PT, which she is actually doing.)

Her short term memory is so short, it doesn't make any difference what we tell her. She's not going to understand it. She only understands that she is not home, which was her beautiful AL apartment. I furnished her MC room very closely to her AL bedroom, but now she doesn't recognize the things in it as hers.

I am dreading the time when I make that first visit. I was the one who walked her into the MC that first day. I know I was doing the best thing for her, but I still feel bad about it.

I think her MC is really nice. The day I set up her room, I spent several hours just observing, while I waited for my brother to call and say they were on their way. It is clean, bright, and has good energy. Most of the residents are engaged in activities. A few walk around constantly but don't seem agitated. There is a large walled outdoor area they can come in and out as they please. Some are in their rooms. No one looked drugged out. The staff is pleasant and actively interacting with residents. Unlike other senior facilities I've been in, I didn't want to flee at the first opportunity. It's where I would want to go if I get dementia.

I hope, with time, she can adjust and I can feel less guilt.

Anonymousjpl123

You sound so much like me. When I finally found an MC that seemed good for my mom (much like you described - and only after one that did not have quality care, but where she started in AL) the initial few weeks were so so hard. My mom not only adjusted but for a year has done very very well. After a week or so she really came to love it. That is rare, I know, but you can trust your instincts: staff interacting well with the residents, activities, and outdoor space made the difference.

You will feel less guilt, but for me, the awareness of the situation is always in the back of my mind. I’m working on it.

Your mom is safe in what seems to be a good place. Yo can relax now. She may want to go home but i think MC - when done right - becomes the best place for PWD in later stages. It’s been over a year that my mom is in her current MC and this year has been the best since her diagnosis since a) she’s getting help she needs and b) she feels comfortable - it’s the environment she can handle.

I would temper your expectations for you next visit but be aware she may be better off than you think. From what it seems it’s a place she will be able to adjust to.

SiberianIris

Thanks so much, Anonymousjpl123 - it helps to hear that.

cdgbdr

Thank you for the update. My DH is moving to MC next week. I pray that he adjusts.

terei

It sounds like she is adjusting very well. Now you have to work on your own acceptance of the new circumstances.

ARIL

In reading your post my first thought was that this is going pretty well.

And then I remembered something I have experienced: after a move to MC, it took months for me to dial down my own anxiety. I had been accustomed to managing almost impossible crises in another state on an emergency basis. Later, after my PWD was in a good MC, it was as though in the absence of crises, I elevated every small blip into a major thing that needed to be managed urgently. I am not saying you are doing this—only that caregivers can forget that we too need time to adjust to new settings and new ways of being. And also to the inevitable disease progression. It is a hard road. Can you give yourself some grace? You have done well.

SDianeL

Glad she is getting settled in. Just be prepared when you visit that she may ask to go home. She’s may ask several times. Keep repeating that the doctor said she needs rehab, then redirect or distract. To many with dementia home is a feeling and not a physical place. Even PWDs who live in the home they have lived in many years say they want to go home. I would visit at mealtime. When you leave, don’t say goodbye, just slip out and tell the nurse you’re leaving so they can distract her. Ice cream worked for my DH. Saying goodbye triggered the wanting to go home for my DH.