ugh I am just so sad

PEMDAS

I hope that everyone on this platform is surviving this nightmare. I have been taking care of my sweet husband for 5 years or so. This past week, he ended up in the ER for a bowel obstruction, which is not the first one he has experienced, so I was aware of the signs before it got out of hand. While he was in the hospital, I had to get a biopsy done on my lung, and during my procedure, my lung collapsed. It has been determined by his PT, OT, and doctor that I can no longer care for him at home. I knew this was coming eventually; however, I just did not believe that this time would come (denial is a wonderful place to live).

Moving forward, I am trying to process all of this. Even though I have been his sole caretaker for years, I have always relied on his comfort and kindness. I feel lost, and I think I am grieving, though he is still on this earth.

How do you process this intermittent time?

Quilting brings calm

@SDianeL

SDianeL has been where you are. She had to place her spouse due to her own serious condition. Hopefully she will comment here soon.

Please remember you are not abandoning him, you are not doing this to him, you are doing it for him. You cannot care for him by yourself, so you are getting him 24/7 care. You will still be his advocate, his companion, his financial person, his coordinate with medical care etc. You will just be getting rest and care for yourself so that you can continue to do the above things for him.

PEMDAS

thank you, you’re right. I will still be all those things for him. I think of the sweet life we had together and it’s so hard to say goodbye to our former life.

Merla

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's not your fault and you did an amazing job caring for him. Hopefully you can prioritize your own health now.

SDianeL

I’m so sorry you are at this point. Your DH is lucky to have you. I was caring for my husband for 3 years and had planned on caring for him as long as physically possible. I’m 76 yrs old. In Dec 2023 I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and had no choice but to place him in memory care so I could get treatment. It broke my heart but I knew it was the right thing for him and for me. I made sure he was well cared for. I too waited too long to have a Plan B as people here advised me to do. I also was in denial and thought I had plenty of time. The greatest love is when you make hard decisions that ensure your LO is well cared for, while at the same time wishing things were different. We mourn the loss of what was and what could have been which is called anticipatory grief. Remember you are doing it for him and not to him. This group helped me so much. Praying for your strength in the days ahead. 💜

Anonymousjpl123

I am so sorry what a lot of stress! If you can take care of you, and get the care you need, then you can be there for your DH. This is the key: and I think it’s true for all of us. I hope this takes a little off you so you can get some real rest. And yes, this disease makes us grieve our loved ones one phase at a time. But many people I see in memory care/SNFs who have been caregivers at home a long time do seem to get to have a different experience with their LO after placement. You’re no longer doing the caregiving but you can be the partner/friend/etc.

ARIL

I am so sorry that you have arrived at this point. You are making good and loving decisions, though. Please attend to your own health, and know you will still make new but different memories with your DH. Like the previous commenter, I regularly see couples at my father’s MCF who are having a new and better relationship because others are now doing so much of the daily physical care. (Some of these spouses have told me this when we are in the elevator together.)

Grief must be gone through, so please allow yourself that. But also know that there will be moments of joy and connection yet to come. Wishing you well.

PEMDAS

Thank you all for your kind support and comments. My diagnosis is not good, and I am so tired that I do not have the strength to visit him while he is at the hospital. I am concerned he might feel abandoned. I have nurse friends who are stopping by every day to say hello, but I just don't have the strength to go visit. I am so exhausted.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250883#Comment_250883

I was the same during chemo. The nurse called me and put my DH on the phone so we could talk every few days. My daughter took me to visit once a week because I was too weak to drive myself. Hugs. 💜

harshedbuzz

@PEMDAS

I am so sorry to hear your update. It's sad you can't visit your DH right now.

Prayers for you both.

HB