Just a teeny vent to those who understand

Shan456

I was sitting outside with my DH. It was 104 degrees during the day and still 94 degrees at night when we were outside. We were talking about how the crowd at the community music concert was really small this week. I said it was probably the weather because it was hot. He said no because the weather was mild. I just looked out into the sky with beads of sweat on my face and coaxed myself into not responding. He can argue, but I can't.

harshedbuzz

@Shan456

Wow.

In the middle stages of the disease, the disease process damaged the part of his brain used to regulate temperature. I once visited them at their place in MD and was shocked when dad woke, walked over to the thermostat and set it for 85F. In August when it was already pushing 90.

His reality was not our reality.

HB

jfkoc

you get a much earned gold star…it is hard not to react!

SDianeL

he no longer has the capacity to reason so therefore he isn’t arguing. He’s stating his reality. Two of the first things I learned here is “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and “get into their reality” those 2 statements helped me so much. I repeated them over and over through the day. It takes practice. You did great! 💜

wose

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251348#Comment_251348

Thanks @SDianeL , after all these years , that simple statement of “He’s Stating His Reality” really really clicked for me this morning. Acceptance is so hard, even after all this time. I’m very grateful, Thank You💕💙

mwoolley

I hsave concluded that I am not dealing with a person any more. I am dealing with a disease. My wife has FTD, midstage. It changes my approach to her behaviors. No more arguing, no more trying to rationsalize with logic. Just move on to the next day.

harshedbuzz

@Shan456

I reread my reply and it felt dismissive in hindsight. I'm sorry.

There is a loss of intimacy that comes with dementia. You have likely already lost the equal-partner-in-life your husband once was— the man you would have been able to go to for deeper conversations about all sorts of topics and valued opinions when making bigger decisions.

And now here you are, not even being able to have a rational exchange about the weather, a pleasantry you could have shared with any stranger in attendance, with the person closest to you.

HB

Shan456

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251481#Comment_251481

Thank you for that. Made me feel hugged.

Quilting brings calm

It’s possible he no longer understands the meaning of hot vs mild - or that he mixes the meanings up. So you say hot, and he processes that as mild. He says mild butmeans hot. Makes it very difficult to have any conversation.