Advice With New Boyfriend

Alex C

Hello all, I'm new here.

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's earlier this year after receiving a diagnosis of logopenic PPA last year. She is having an unusual progression where memory is not significantly affected. Her primary issues are with language (speaking, understanding others, reading, writing), performing complex tasks, organization, and impulse control. She still lives on her own and predominantly takes care of herself with a bit of monitoring and the understanding that she has some driving limitations because of her trouble handling complex tasks.

One of the behavior changes we've noted is that she's had a few casual relationships with men over the last 1.5 years. This is unusual for her as she had not been interested in seeing anyone after divorcing my dad about 10 years ago. I am not concerned about the relationships as long as she is not being taken advantage of. I want to respect her autonomy and for her to enjoy herself as much as possible.

But in the last 5 months a new boyfriend has popped up. It was a casual relationship as of late May. Since then, I have been a little more hands off since I have been extremely busy. Since late May, the relationship became quite serious without my knowledge. They apparently consider each other family, have keys to each others homes, are taking an increasing number of trips together, and he attended one of my mom's doctor's appointments that my mom had discouraged me from attending.

I am concerned about how rapidly this became serious, as moving quickly is very unusual for my mom. In my opinion, their relationship is moving quickly because of my mom's changed impulse control, and I'm not sure her boyfriend understands that. I'm also unsure how much he understands about her condition. He knows she has Alzheimer's, but he seemed unaware that she isn't supposed to drive in certain situations when it came up last week. My mom also seems to be backsliding into denial about her condition, which I am concerned is coming from this relationship with someone who isn't noticing when she's struggling because he never knew her without Alzheimer's. She has used denial a lot to deal with the situation so far, and she's very smart and can cover when she doesn't understand things (only those very close to her pick up on it).

I don't get the sense that this new boyfriend is trying to take advantage of her or harm her in any way, but I'm afraid he is out of ignorance. She has quickly started leaning on him for everything, including things like doctor's visits, and I'm not sure he can take care of her because he doesn't understand the situation. I've been thinking of talking to him one-on-one about her condition to try to identify and fill in gaps in his knowledge.

But also, I'm concerned about how quickly he's thrown himself into a serious relationship with someone with Alzheimer's. I would think someone would move more cautiously and with more awareness of potential imbalances in their relationship than he has.

I'm not sure what to do, if I'm being overprotective, or if I'm being underprotective. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle this situation?

harshedbuzz

@Alex C

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

You job here is to protect mom from those who might take advantage. There are so many things that could have transpired while you were busy tending to your own life.

There are 3 scenarios here. The first, and least likely IMO, is that this man is a genuinely great guy. But I doubt it; PWD aren't exactly the most interesting and engaging folks to spend time with. Apathy, forgetfulness, lack of empathy, repeated questions aren't endearing qualities to most people.

It could be that he is impaired as well, and they've found a common level of function and mutual support and scaffolding. Sometimes you see these sorts of relationships develop organically in MCFs.

Or it could be he's taking advantage of her. To that end, I would do a deep dive into her finances paying special attention to spending on trips, meals and cash withdrawals. I would also consider getting her to a CELA to create a new DPOA and will. If you discover anything sketchy, I would reach out to APS and local law enforcement in your shoes.

HB

PS Your mom isn't in denial. He disease has progressed and she's developed anosognosia a condition in which PWD are unable to recognize their impairment and loss of cognition.

Alex C

We have a fresh DPOA and will as of April that doesn't include this boyfriend. And my mom's financial team is set up to notify my brother and I of any activity with what they manage (which is the majority of her savings/investments). I will be deep diving into her spending very soon.

And yes, my mom doesn't fully recognize her impairment. But she has also always handled things throughout her life with denial. Both are happening.

H1235

Welcome. My mom also has symptoms that are not related o memory. Poor judgment is at the top of the list. She allowed her granddaughter and her three kids to live with her( take advantage of her) and also let them bring a cat into the house that sprayed everything. It’s tough knowing what to do. I agree it’s time to take a good look at finances. It’s possible he is not taking advantage for thousands of dollars, but just always expecting her to cover outings and dinner. It might be good to see if this might be the case before you talk with him. Could you set up a lunch with them to get to know him a bit? Then maybe follow up with a phone call and some questions. It might be good to see what’s happening with her bank account before contacting him. Is she paying her own bills. Managing money if often one of the first skills to go. I would look to see if there are past due bills. I definitely don’t think you’re overreacting regarding the boyfriend. As far as her driving, if she has been diagnosed it’s possible her insurance company will not cover her if there is an accident. Driving is about more than getting lost. It’s about reaction time, judgment, remembering traffic laws, reading traffic signs. In my opinion driving is a complex task and short distances don’t make it any less complex. You might consider asking her doctor about the driving. Her doctor could also order a driving simulator test.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251622#Comment_251622

So, the boyfriend's had 4 months in which to take your mom to a different attorney/download a boilerplate document off the internet and have a new will and POA signed by her.

HB