My husband is lucid much of the time

Eloise0304

My husband is not so far gone that I could not leave him in memory care or nursing home but when he gets into a rage there is nothing I can do And he is still having trouble walking

What should I do? Guilty ridden

trottingalong

you received very good advice in your previous post. Discuss all your concerns with the doctors prior to any release and hopefully they can also help guide you. You can’t fix him. If this wasn’t you going through this, but a very dear friend. What advice would you give them? It’s similar to the battered wife syndrome. Think long and hard about what you have been through. Think about you.

Eloise0304

But he is aware most of the time, and would not do well in a memory care, because he can be aggressive. We still go out to eat together everyday. This newest episode is the straw that broke the camels neck

BethL

Don't bring him home unless the rage/potential violence issues are gone. He likely needs to go to geriatric psychiatry, inpatient, to get on medications to mitigate the very real RISK TO YOU. Persons with dementia have murdered others. Please don't take him home now. Maybe later, if he gets stabilized on medications.

You have expressed desperation in your previous posts, and that you no longer like him. Eloise, you have posted over 60 times in a very short period of time. Something is very, very wrong with his behaviors and your emotions. Now is your opportunity to see if these behaviors can be mitigated so that you can be safe and not live in fear and desperation.

Iris L.

He needs professional care for the rages. He needs appropruate medication. This may take several weeks to find the correct dosage.

Iris

CindyBum

But your husband is that far gone, as evidenced by his aggression. That he is “lucid” is pretty irrelevant in the face of that. Assisted living/memory care is to keep you both safe and as comfortable as possible, and him being home with you does not meet those measures for either of you.

I too sometimes think I won’t place my DW until she doesn’t recognize me, but I know that’s my guilt talking. The truth is safety and bigger care needs will really be my measures. If I’m too much of a wreck to take good care of her or if either of us are unsafe, I will place her. I encourage you to look at other reason’s for placement than your husband’s lucidity.

Chammer

Do you currently have the necessary legal paperwork in place to handle you and your DH's affairs? This is a good time to ensure that all that is done and ready to be signed once the healthcare team is able to stabilize him.

Michele P

Listen to the advise you are getting here. You are not safe with him in the house. Place him in a facility where he can get stabilized. You need to think long and hard about ever bringing him back home. You are not safe.

mrahope

My husband, too, was "lucid" quite a bit of the time. The doctors and MC staff say he had a lot of "cognitive reserve" because he was very bright and well-educated. Nevertheless, before I placed him I was so afraid of what he might do that I was literally sleeping behind a locked door with my keys under my pillow. He would rage and throw things. It is no way to live.

Fast forward 15 months: he is thriving at MC and I've been told by them that he is a "model resident". If only I had known then what I know now.

JulietteBee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251858#Comment_251858

You are saying that he is "aware most of the time." If he is "aware," then, one of these two statements is a fact. (1) He is intentionally hurting you & others or (2) you have KNOWINGLY allowed yourself to be his victim & you condone his abuse of others.

If neither of the above statements are correct, then he is actually NOT aware of his actions.💔

miltonmcdonald

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73907/my-husband-is-lucid-much-of-the-time

please you just have to establish some boundaries and seek support. If you feel like talking to someone, I'm here you can reach out to me..

Eloise0304

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251997#Comment_251997

He just had a lumbar puncture for further evaluation for NPH, I am afraid to enter his room in the hospital because I think I agitate him more. They had to use general anesthesia because he was so combative and aggressive.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252039#Comment_252039

This would be a good time for you to take a step back, get a few things done for yourself and let your husband be taken care of by professionals. Sounds like you could exacerbate the problem.

BPS

In an earlier post you said that you don't love him and wanted to leave, now you say you want him back home. I know that in times of stress we say things that we don't mean, but he is in good hands and being taken care of I think you should step back while you can and decide what you really do want. If he comes back home he still will not be the man he was years ago and you will still need to take care of someone that you may not love or respect. If you want to get away from him this is the perfect opportunity. Take a couple of days away from being involved in his care. Trust the professionals and catch your breath then decide what you would like and then if it is realistic for his condition. Even if you decide that you want him home it may not be the best place for him, you are only one person and you can't take care of everything he will need. When he falls can you pick him up? One thing that Sdanials says frequently is that you are not doing this to him you are doing it for him. It sucks but what we want is not always what is best. Moving him to memory care is not abandoning him it may be the best place for him. After a small break talk to a social worker about all your options.