New here

Melrob1

Hi all, I'm new here. I'm my husbands part time care giver. He is moving in to what I think is late stage alzheimers. I have a caregiver here with him while I'm at work. He has trouble speaking, finishing a thought, dressing himself, he can eat alone, but can't make his own food. He can't be left alone anymore. His neurologist thinks I should be looking into placement as quickly as he is fading, but, I feel so guilty. It feels like making the decision to take a loved one of life support. Does anyone else feel that way? Then I feel guilty for wanting to do it so I can actually have a life after living with this for 9 years and I feel guilty for that, too!! I feel guilty for primal rage screaming in my car when I'm alone or crying in the shower where noone can see me. Does anyone else feel this guilty or is it just me?

midge333

Welcome. You are not alone. I think nearly all of us are feeling (or have felt) what you are feeling. I am sorry!

Carl46

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. My wife died three months ago and I still feel much of what you are feeling.

When I placed my wife, I didn't feel so much guilty as helpless that I couldn't help her more. I was so sorry for her at home, and continued to be sorry for her in MC. She was so lost and confused. At home, she couldn't even find the bathroom in her own house. When I visited at MC she asked to go to dinner with me and sleep beside me, and I couldn't give her even that small thing, and it made me very sad.

The only bright side to all of this is my wife is at peace with her parents and our older son in Heaven. And my health is improving with the relief from stress. So sorry you are here with us.

CindyBum

Welcome and sorry you get to join us. I once drove through the main street of a little town near me, screaming about how unfair it all is and how guilty I feel. Then, as I got onto the highway, there was a giant rainbow in front of me and I screamed at the nerve of God to send me a damn rainbow like that was going to help.

We understand. You know when it's the right time.

SDianeL

Welcome. Yes most of us have felt the guilt of no longer being able to care for our loved ones at home. Soon your husband will require 24/7 care. You could keep him at home but that would require hiring skilled nursing caregivers round the clock so you can sleep. And that would be very expensive. Try to remember you wouldn’t be doing it to him, you would be doing it for him. You would still be his primary caregiver just in a different role. You will continue to make sure he is well cared for. Please don’t wait to have a plan. Things can change rapidly. We understand how you feel. 💜

Melrob1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251928#Comment_251928

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251928#Comment_251928

Thank you everyone for making me not feel alone. I hope I can be there fur all of you, too.

Timmyd

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73921/new-here

A few months back, during a routine annual exam, the PCP for DW told me I should start looking into placement. I was devastated. I did not think we were that far along. DW can eat but food must be presented to her. She cannot dress or bath herself. Toileting is getting hit or miss. She cannot be left alone. I have visited a few memory care facilities nearby and I still cannot come close to imagining placing her in a facility. I am fortunate in that I am a very healthy 58 years old so I have the strength and stamina to do what needs to be done to keep her in the house. It is very hard, but I feel confident placement would be much harder.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73921/new-here

Hi Melrob, Guilt is a rite of passage for all of us caregivers. Just know it is very normal and one day will pass. One day you will come to realize that we all have our limits and that you made the right decision to place your husband into memory care. Thirty percent of caregivers die from this lengthy disease. You must take care of yourself or you will succumb to it. It is bad enough it is taking your DH, don't let it take you. It was the hardest thing to do to place my DH, but I wasn't going to make it if I didn't. The fatigue, depression, mind-numbing days and sleepless nights will kill you. Please fight for your life. I am sure your DH would want that.