Moving

JEA

This is the first time I have posted…

My husband is 66 and has EOAD. We are moving to be near our son and his family (6 hours away) so I can get some help. They have graciously offered to help as my husband's dementia is getting worse, and requires me to be with him pretty much 24/7. We don't travel anymore as it caused him to forget who I am, etc… We finally found an affordable 1 bedroom rental that we are looking forward to moving to in 4 days. Yesterday I got a call from a family friend, that my daughter-in-law was in jail, and may be looking at serving a year in jail. Our grandkids are at her mothers' house, and I am unable to get a hold of her. My son passed away 7 years ago from an overdose. Our grandkids are 9 and 11, and are quite the handful, as they have been raised without rules, responsibilities, etc. We moved back to be near them a year ago. I always thought I could help out if needed by taking them in. Now I don't think I could handle this with caring for my DH, as he can't remember past a few minutes most of the time, and is now having trouble understanding the simplest of things. This family friend thinks it would be better for the kids to live with me, than at her mother's house, as it is not the best situation there. My DH gets weird when children, (or anyone for that matter) have come over for a weekend….

I feel so guilty, and I know moving is going to be difficult for husband, and I am overwhelmed with guilt for getting a one bedroom. Is it wrong for me to just focus on DH and not grandkids at this time?

David1941

Not wrong at all: DH comes first. I admire your ability to prioritize him in this impossible situation! You are great!

tonyac2

What I’m learning from my experience with my DH, is that situations are always coming up, and I have to constantly prioritize what’s best for my husband over them. What I’m also learning is that he requires lots of help and I wouldn’t have anything left to help someone else. I’d most likely compound my problems. It’s gotta be gut wrenching to see your grandchildren in need of a stable home. So sorry for your situation.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place. I'm sorry, too, for the loss of your dear son.

I'm a little confused. Did/Do you have 2 sons? The one who passed and the one near whom you are moving?

Those children are going to need considerable support given their ages and also the amount of trauma they've endured in their young lives. I lived through similar with my late sister's children and am familiar with the dynamics and challenges.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/24875-adverse-childhood-experiences-ace

It is unlikely you have the bandwidth to take that on at this moment in time however well-meaning you are. It's hard to accept, but sometimes "we" aren't the best option. Given your description of your DH— being unsettled by others in his home and potentially "sharing" you— you are not what's best for these boys right now.

There was an interview aired last week with Bruce Willis's wife in which she shared that she and her 2 similar-aged children live in a different household for the sake of providing a calmer environment for both the kids and their dad. They visit dad often but don't live with his symptoms and behaviors don't inform every aspect of their daily lives.

That said, have you had a frank discussion with son and DIL about what "support" looks like? There are a number of folks here who have moved nearer adult children leaving behind friends and spiritual homes only to find that the kids mean well but are too busy to take on caregiving. If you're expecting someone to stay with your DH so you can get away for an overnight and they're thinking help is mowing the lawn or picking up a few things at the market, you could be disappointed.

HB

Timmyd

I believe, as humans, we have limits to our actionable compassion. My reality is that care for DW consumes most of it. I still feel compassion for the problems of my friends and family, but providing care for DW limits my ability to act on that compassion. I used to have the time and resources to provide meaningful help to friends and family. I don't have much of that anymore….

I feel for your situation. I don't have any specific recommendation. You are a good person. It is admirable that you are even considering accommodating such difficult circumstances.

JEA

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252360#Comment_252360

Thanks for all your comments and information. I am feeling better about my decision. Fortunately they are willing to help with care.