It Is Over

howhale

Three weeks ago my dear wife of 57+ years ended her battle with this cruel and heartless disease, Alzheimer/Dementia. She declined very fast over the few weeks prior. I promised her at the start that I would do my best to never put her somewhere for her care but, rather, have her at home forever. While it does nothing to lessen my grief and pain, I fulfilled my promise and she never left her home and passed laying in her own bed holding my hand. The images of those last hours, her failing effort to continue, her body trying to go on will never leave me. We had so many good memories for the 60 years I knew her but I find those last painful images remain steadfast. She did not struggle or suffer pain or discomfort as the hospice nurses did their job remarkably well, but her body fought. Hospice nurses are the angels sent to help us through this nightmare, always there when needed, always knowledgeable about what is to come. One nurse in her waning days tried to adjust her head to improve her breathing but was finding it difficult to get it just right. That nurse then stood at the head of her bed and held her head in his hands for four straight hours to relieve her breathing and improve the image for her family standing watch. Four hours without relief, even when offered, to help her and the family get through this horror. She did not leave until her work here was done. The nurses felt several times over the preceding days that she was going to pass but she did not. A nurse said, after two days of this, she is not ready, there is something undone. She had been saying the word "together" over and over for the prior week leaving me puzzled as to what she wanted. On her final day with me, the entire family gathered around her, the first time everyone was there at one time. There was a rift among some in the family and as the evening came upon us most departed as she was still not ready to leave. By dawn she was gone with me holding her hand, reminding her how much I love her and kissing her forehead over and over. It was then that I became aware that those in the family involved in the rift had made contact after departing earlier, talked on the phone until after 1:00 AM and healed their issues. It was 2:00 AM when my dear wife left me forever. Her job was completed. The Mother of our family had accomplished what no one else could have done and now she could finally rest in peace. The pain continues, the tears never stop, the gap in my heart is real and will never be filled but my dear wife repaired our family as only she could have done. I tell you this story to share her memory but, more importantly, to tell those going through this nightmare now to listen, see, feel what your loved one is trying to tell you. He or she may have lost the ability to communicate in the manner we all use but they are still doing so. We just have to learn to move into their world, as scary as it is, and look for their signals to us. Facial expressions, simple words, gestures, behaviors, movements, can all be their form of communication. Our job then is to learn and interpret what they are telling us. I would also tell you that, regardless of what anyone says about what they hear in the later stages, be very, very careful about what you say or express in their presence. My dear wife played back to me on many occasions something said that upset her. During one frustrating and difficult incident with her in the later days I said to myself "I don't know how much longer I can do this". I completed the task and got her safely and comfortably seated on the sofa in her preferred seat. It was then that holding my hand, she looked up at me with her angelic face and said "You are not going to put me somewhere are you?". A complete sentence, not just a word or garble! Be very careful and don't make a stupid mistake like I did. The stab to my heart was more painful than any physical pain will ever be. Sorry for the length, but I hope this story helps someone going through this and helps ease the burden a little bit.

annie51

Thank you for sharing your powerful story of love and devotion. What a beautiful tribute to your wife and to the loving care you provided. May you find strength and peace as you grieve your loss and know that you are in our hearts and in our prayers.

Biggles

Such a beautiful love story, so gentle and caring I hope I can emulate this. Thank you for sharing. May your DW Rest In Peace.

charley0419

May she RIP

Marla13

So sorry for your loss. May you find peace.

Metta

May you find peace and comfort in such a true love story.

trottingalong

Thank you for sharing the love you have for your wife and the wisdom you imparted to us all. I am sorry for the grief you are going through, that in itself is heartbreaking and takes time. It sounds as if you have a good family and my hope is they remain steadfast in being your continued support system.

BikingOldMan

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74046/it-is-over

Thank you for sharing with such vulnerability. I am early on as caretaker with my DW of 60 yrs. So many of your memories and shared thoughts remind me of my love and dedication to my DW. I have not promised to keep her at home, however that is my commitment at this time and what I see for the future if at all possible. Your sharing of the family gathered together on her last night was powerful and moved me to tears with the beauty of the scene. It powerfully reminded me of my recent experience with my DD as she fought her ovarian cancer and passed. Love is powerful, thanks again for your share.

I send my sincere condolences for your loss and wish you peace, love and a large helping of joy as you move forward.

midge333

I am sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself.

Chance Rider

Thank you for sharing so openly. I hope your family surrounds you with comfort and love as you begin this new journey.

eaglemom

First I'm so sorry for your loss. Secondly thank you for sharing your heart. Thirdly I know this will speak to many.

Take deep breaths and be patient and kind to yourself.

eagle

Gator1976

I hope when our time comes with my LW, I’m half the caring husband you were. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have a lot to learn.

howhale

Thank you to all of you who shared condolences, RIP, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate this forum and the sharing that we all do for each other. Like many, if not all, of you, when I leaned of my wife's diagnosis, I began to read and listen to everything related to learn. There is so much published it can be overwhelming. I did learn a couple things. First, no two patients with these conditions are exactly alike. Many descriptions fit in part but seldom is anyone exactly like the pattern written. Second, if there is anything predictable about this disease, it is that it is guaranteed unpredictable. Adaptation is critical to live with it. Learning to embrace change daily, if not hourly sometimes, is critical. Lastly, and maybe most importantly, this forum was the best thing I found to help me in so many ways. Others who write about this disease have some "skin in the game". What differs in us is that we have HEART in the game as well. We are living it every minute of every day with someone we dearly love. We are not observers. You are the best resource to all who are touched by this nightmare. Preach to all who will listen, sign up, it is free, it may be what saves your sanity and life, and share, share, share. Thank you again to all of you and to all who participate in this forum.

wose

You are such an amazing inspiration. I am so sorry for your profound loss. Please be kind to yourself as you process all you’ve been through. And yet through your grief, you’re still thinking of us. Wishing you peace and strength. Your DW was so blessed to have you.💔

CampCarol

I am so very sorry for your loss. You did an outstanding job caring for your DW, respecting and honoring her wishes up until the very end. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you transition into Stage 8.

Jgirl57

That was beautiful . Peace to you and your family . Thank you for sharing

SDianeL

so sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace. I’m praying for comfort for you and your family. She was lucky to have such a loving caring husband as her caregiver. Cherish the beautiful memories Take time to grieve. 🙏💜

JulietteBee

As loving & kind as you were towards your DW, be equally gentle with yourself as you proceed through your grief journey.

Unlike other journeys, this one has no destination for you to arrive. While your grief will be lifelong, the pain won't be. Be on the look out for the transition or it will catch you by surprise. Epecially look out for the return of the sun's warmth, the singing birds, and even a surprisinging moment of belly laughter.

I pray that God will cradle you in His loving arms while you grieve the loss of such a beautiful love story. God bless!🙏🏽