Should you tell mom that her brother has passed away?

JoAnnL

New to the group here. Mom has late stage dementia, is 93 and her brother who lives in another state passed away. My dad who is 94 insists on telling her. I don’t think we should. I’ve gotten advice from medical professionals explaining the risks (and lean towards not telling her). I have to respect my dad‘s decision, but I am afraid of how Mom is going to react. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you!

H1235

Welcome. She will probably just forget. She may become emotional but will probably forget rather quickly. I can definitely see why you would be concerned that the news would be overwhelming enough to cause a health crisis. Will the topic of her brother continue to come up in conversations? I think the big concern is will your dad insist on telling her every time she asks how her brother is doing. To me that would just seem cruel. My sil insisted mil needed to attend her sister’s funeral out of state. She was so confused. When she got back to Al, days later she was complaining that her sister hadn’t called in ages. I hope things go well.

Quilting brings calm

I would lean towards not telling her because she’s not likely to understand, process or remember, but I don’t think it will actually cause a crisis for your dad to tell her ONCE. After that he should just redirect, or fib that her brother is unable to contact her right now ( busy).

troubledone

My mom asks me often about her mother and brother. Both have passed. I always tell the truth.

If you don’t want to say the truth, try: “That’s a good question. I’ll try to find out.”

Don’t lie.

H1235

It might be helpful to lookup the term therapeutic lie. Maybe this would help your dad realize that sometimes a lie is the most compassionate thing.

harshedbuzz

I don't recommend reminding a PWD that a loved one has passed over and over. But I can see the side of those who feel it is disrepectful not to tell their LO of the passing of someone— one time only— well into the early late stages.

While it is possible the news will be very distressing for her, it's also possible that the reaction is somewhat blunted emtionally. When my late sister's FIL died his wife was in what seemed to be moderate stage dementia. MIL attended the open casket viewing hours and seemed to confuse it for a party. Two of her DDs kept taking their mom up to the casket as a reminder of why she was there; I think they were a little embarrassed as she appeared to be enjoying the attention of friends and family. She would stand in front of the casket for a bit and then return to engaging with those who came to pay their respects as if she was the bride in a receiving line.

HB

SusanB-dil

@troubledone - there was a person in the forum several years back that kept telling his LO that her person had died every time she asked. She would grieve, over and over again, each time. I understand not wanting to lie, but at times it is so much kinder to either reply that the person is not available, or even as you stated, you will try to find out.

It can be the same when a LO is placed into memory care. To me, if redirect doesn't work, it is kinder to tell your LO that the house is being worked on, rather than telling them 'no, you can't go home' - (the equivalent of 'you're never going home again') each time they ask.

sandwichone123

If it's important to him I'd say yes, tell her ONCE. But not over and over again. There are some vague answers that can be used if you don't want to devastate her over and over, but also feel uncomfortable with lying, like, "oh she's not here now," "I'm not sure where she is," "I don't think she'll be back this week," etc. At some point it's just easier to say she's at work or must be at her sister's house or whatever captures a credible story.

ARIL

Does your mother speak to or about her brother often? Have they been close? Is news of his death something that is likely to be devastating, or is your mother the sort of person who takes death in stride? When you are in your 90s, you have seen a lot of it. That is, what you should do depends on what you know of your mom already. You want to treat her with respect and kindness. What would that mean in your situation?

There’s no rule here. I agree with others that telling her once would be soon forgotten and would respond to your dad’s wish. Telling her over and over would be cruel if her response is deep sorrow. But if she asks explicitly if her brother is still living (the sort of question my LO asks), then I have to assume that’s what she wants to know.

I would absolutely not try to get her to the service.

My sympathy on the death of your uncle. I’ve had good fortune in the kindness of my uncles, and I know that that can be an important relationship in life.

JulietteBee

That is a tough one. You both need to talk about the pros and cons of each. In the end, defer to your dad's wishes.

Being lucid, himself, he is basically telling you that if the roles were reversed, he would want you to tell him if his sibling died. Always listen out for what the heart is saying.

My aunt was in the advanced stages of Alzheimers when my uncle took sick and died. His children opted not to tell their mom as they feared causing her needless grief/repetitive trauma She subsequently died, never knowing that her husband had pre-deceased her by 2 years.

All the best in your decision making.🫂🙏🏽🫂

ARIL

I was thinking more about thus question and started reading various kinds of advice. This one seemed thoughtful and thorough:

https://seniorsafetyadvice.com/should-you-tell-my-parent-with-dementia-that-someone-has-died/

SusanB-dil

@ARIL - Thanks for finding that and posting. That does explain it rather well.

michael1994

I feel there are some factors to consider before deciding which will help know what to do better…

1. Relationship: How close is she to her brother?
2. Emotional stability: Can she handle the news?
3. Support system: Is she alone or with someone who can provide support?

If you decide to share the news: Choose a private, quiet setting...Be compassionate and empathetic….Be clear and direct…Offer support and resources..

This my take on this