New Job Offer & Whether To Move

troubledone

I’m from NY and moved me and mom to Florida four years ago. I applied to a nationwide job and the NY office interviewed me

During interview they said: we have offices in Manhattan, Suffolk, and Newburgh. Which do you prefer. They also asked if I preferred to be transferred to recruiting for the Miami office. I said Manhattan, because I miss NY and the seasons and the people and the vibe.  And because a transfer to Miami recruiting did not mean I would definitely be hired. I decided to show loyalty the team that invited me to interview anyway.

But now I’m realizing we can’t afford to live in Manhattan and my mom hates it. So other options is to live in Westchester. But If I’m in the Manhattan office, the commute from Westchester is 3 hours roundtrip every day. I fear it will be exhausting and I won’t be able to keep tabs on my mom.

Maybe it’s better to request the office in Suffolk County. It’s a long trip to NYC but if we lived there in Suffolk, and I also worked there, it would be easier. 

And then there’s Miami. Staying here. I wouldn’t have to move me or my mom, and the only change would be the job. But I’m still stuck in the heat, no seasons, feeling displaced.  I’ve hated living here (and have missed Nee York) basically since I got her

It’s a really difficult situation. 

I haven’t been offered any job yet, but I feel it’s likely. I don’t know what to do. Every time I write down pros and cons of Manhattan/Westchester, Suffolk, or Miami, I confuse myself even more.

I have no idea what to do.

SusanB-dil

Being from NJ, a lot of my friends and family commuted from NJ. I also knew some that came in from CT and even PA. It would depend on living arrangements in NJ as to being affordable and doable for you. Just throwing it out there for you as a consideration.

terei

A lot depends on where your mother is in the progression of her disease. Where will it be the easiest when and if she needs to be in a facility?

harshedbuzz

@troubledone

I vote for doing what suits you. I moved dad out of FL to PA where he raised me. He was not happy at all intially, but within a few months he believed he was in Florida.

Do you have any hands-on family support that would make one place better than the other?

Cost of living near Manhattan is going to be higher, but you may find that Institutional Medicaid is better here if your mom doesn't have a LTC policy and needs that safety net. An elder law attorney could help you compare the different state policies. Mine cautioned me against my parents staying in FL. NJ is a state that does allow Medicaid to fund MC vs PA which only funds SNFs.

HB

JulietteBee

The best place to be is the place that will afford you the greatest amount of ready resources; safety net of family, friends, healthcare providers, housing, transportation, etc.

You moved with mom the first time. It indicates that she is reliant on you. Your choice now will make a monumental impact on her.

SDianeL

as you know, soon your Mom will require 24/7 care that you won’t be able to provide. What is your plan when that happens? In home care or a facility? That answer may help you choose the job/location. The other consideration is that in later stages physical moves are more difficult for PWDs. She may not do well.

troubledone

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253202#Comment_253202

Sadly her “assets” now are too high so no chance of Medicaid. Which is why this job if offered is key. I’d be able to help my mom

troubledone

I honestly have no idea. With my dad, my mom was able to help. Now, it’s just me and I don’t know how far gone she is. She’s getting worse and worse, but still functioning. I don’t know if or when she deteriorates to the next level.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253282#Comment_253282

Have you spoken with an Elder Law attorney? Because if you haven't, you can't be sure. And rules vary by state, so one state may be more advantageous to her situation. There may be ways to structure her assets to allow her to qualify for Medicaid now or down the line if she spends them down under their rules.

HB

janeedee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74058/new-job-offer-whether-to-move

If you love Manhattan, NJ could be a more affordable option. The PATH train is a 10 min ride into the City or you could relax on a bus into the City.

Victoriaredux

Random thoughts- have you been to NYC in the last few years ? Friends say post COVID it changed a lot . Institutional medicaid is different from income based - you really need a lawyer to advise .

You say your Mom has changed a lot- would she be able to understand today if a fire alarm went off? A stranger came to the door with a clipboard and said they needed to check something inside and their partner steals - very common trick. Is the house dementia proofed- knobs off the stove, chemicals locked away- dementia can impact vision so you don't want her dumping something not safe in her food.

With family we tend to back fill for them and assume a nod "yes" means they understand.

I'd pick where you'd be the most successful , then look for placement options - which could be adult day care at first -nearby . Good luck!

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253282#Comment_253282

Dementia is very expensive. Al is expensive. If she is moved to Al and she only has assets to live there for a year before her assets are depleted, then she may qualify for Medicaid when her assets are gone( if your states Medicaid covers Al). Purposely spending money on necessary things to deplete assets is called spending down. You need to be careful how this is done. I would definitely see a lawyer. Mom’s lawyer recommended she do a prepaid funeral to spend down. If you scrimp and save and do everything you can to help her cover costs from your money then she may never qualify, you are putting yourself in a difficult financial situation and she is never going to get the financial help she is allowed. I would also caution you to keep her finances and yours very separate. Medicaid can be very particular. As far as the move I would recommend you go where you will be happy. You didn’t really say what stage your mom is at, but dementia will only get worse. At some point she won’t know what state she is in anymore, so you might as well be where you will be happy. Keep in mind that the decisions we are all forced to make can be incredibly difficult. Learn all you can, see a lawyer and make the best decision you can. You may decide later it was the wrong decision. That happens. No one has a crystal ball. So don’t beat yourself up if things don’t go the way you had hoped.

ARIL

Congratulations on doing so well in the interviews!

You have received great advice about money, lawyers, and Medicaid. Information about the options for your mom will be a useful factor in your decision.

I’ll just echo others about the general point: I’d tend to look for ways to make this work for you. If you want to leave FL for NY, then take Mom and go.