New Job Offer & Whether To Move



I’m from NY and moved me and mom to Florida four years ago. I applied to a nationwide job and the NY office interviewed me
During interview they said: we have offices in Manhattan, Suffolk, and Newburgh. Which do you prefer. They also asked if I preferred to be transferred to recruiting for the Miami office. I said Manhattan, because I miss NY and the seasons and the people and the vibe. And because a transfer to Miami recruiting did not mean I would definitely be hired. I decided to show loyalty the team that invited me to interview anyway.
But now I’m realizing we can’t afford to live in Manhattan and my mom hates it. So other options is to live in Westchester. But If I’m in the Manhattan office, the commute from Westchester is 3 hours roundtrip every day. I fear it will be exhausting and I won’t be able to keep tabs on my mom.
Maybe it’s better to request the office in Suffolk County. It’s a long trip to NYC but if we lived there in Suffolk, and I also worked there, it would be easier.
And then there’s Miami. Staying here. I wouldn’t have to move me or my mom, and the only change would be the job. But I’m still stuck in the heat, no seasons, feeling displaced. I’ve hated living here (and have missed Nee York) basically since I got her
It’s a really difficult situation.
I haven’t been offered any job yet, but I feel it’s likely. I don’t know what to do. Every time I write down pros and cons of Manhattan/Westchester, Suffolk, or Miami, I confuse myself even more.
I have no idea what to do.
Comments
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Being from NJ, a lot of my friends and family commuted from NJ. I also knew some that came in from CT and even PA. It would depend on living arrangements in NJ as to being affordable and doable for you. Just throwing it out there for you as a consideration.
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A lot depends on where your mother is in the progression of her disease. Where will it be the easiest when and if she needs to be in a facility?
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@troubledone
I vote for doing what suits you. I moved dad out of FL to PA where he raised me. He was not happy at all intially, but within a few months he believed he was in Florida.
Do you have any hands-on family support that would make one place better than the other?
Cost of living near Manhattan is going to be higher, but you may find that Institutional Medicaid is better here if your mom doesn't have a LTC policy and needs that safety net. An elder law attorney could help you compare the different state policies. Mine cautioned me against my parents staying in FL. NJ is a state that does allow Medicaid to fund MC vs PA which only funds SNFs.
HB2 -
The best place to be is the place that will afford you the greatest amount of ready resources; safety net of family, friends, healthcare providers, housing, transportation, etc.
You moved with mom the first time. It indicates that she is reliant on you. Your choice now will make a monumental impact on her.
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as you know, soon your Mom will require 24/7 care that you won’t be able to provide. What is your plan when that happens? In home care or a facility? That answer may help you choose the job/location. The other consideration is that in later stages physical moves are more difficult for PWDs. She may not do well.
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Sadly her “assets” now are too high so no chance of Medicaid. Which is why this job if offered is key. I’d be able to help my mom
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I honestly have no idea. With my dad, my mom was able to help. Now, it’s just me and I don’t know how far gone she is. She’s getting worse and worse, but still functioning. I don’t know if or when she deteriorates to the next level.
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Have you spoken with an Elder Law attorney? Because if you haven't, you can't be sure. And rules vary by state, so one state may be more advantageous to her situation. There may be ways to structure her assets to allow her to qualify for Medicaid now or down the line if she spends them down under their rules.
HB1 -
If you love Manhattan, NJ could be a more affordable option. The PATH train is a 10 min ride into the City or you could relax on a bus into the City.
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Dementia is very expensive. Al is expensive. If she is moved to Al and she only has assets to live there for a year before her assets are depleted, then she may qualify for Medicaid when her assets are gone( if your states Medicaid covers Al). Purposely spending money on necessary things to deplete assets is called spending down. You need to be careful how this is done. I would definitely see a lawyer. Mom’s lawyer recommended she do a prepaid funeral to spend down. If you scrimp and save and do everything you can to help her cover costs from your money then she may never qualify, you are putting yourself in a difficult financial situation and she is never going to get the financial help she is allowed. I would also caution you to keep her finances and yours very separate. Medicaid can be very particular. As far as the move I would recommend you go where you will be happy. You didn’t really say what stage your mom is at, but dementia will only get worse. At some point she won’t know what state she is in anymore, so you might as well be where you will be happy. Keep in mind that the decisions we are all forced to make can be incredibly difficult. Learn all you can, see a lawyer and make the best decision you can. You may decide later it was the wrong decision. That happens. No one has a crystal ball. So don’t beat yourself up if things don’t go the way you had hoped.
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Congratulations on doing so well in the interviews!
You have received great advice about money, lawyers, and Medicaid. Information about the options for your mom will be a useful factor in your decision.
I’ll just echo others about the general point: I’d tend to look for ways to make this work for you. If you want to leave FL for NY, then take Mom and go.
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That's an option. I just don't know anything about New Jersey.
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I don't know anymore. Every day is a confusing mess.
I know NYC isn't what it used to be. And it's probably deteriorating even as we speak. But it's where the job offer is, and I need to make money.
The answer is no to many of those questions. She probably wouldn't know what a fire alarm is. It's possible she'd be confused if someone came by with such a ruse—-sinister, but clever.
I'm extremely overwhelmed.1 -
Most of her assets and mine are comingled. Putting everything in my name—-she already yells at me for everything. The last thing I want is her yelling at me and accusing me of theft by putting everything in my name. That would be more of a nightmare. And there's a 5-year lookback anyway, so even if I did that now, it wouldn't be of any help until she is 82 years old.
I do feel my life falling apart already. I no longer travel. I can't live abroad now, which is absolutely killing me. I am stressed out every single day because her expenses every month are beyond her income.
I want her to live a long time, but now, I see myself spending the last good years of my life just caring for her. And my freedom gone. Nursing homes for memory care here in Miami are about $6K - $8K/month. Probably more expensive in New York.I don't see any solutions, and I see no hope for any happiness again in my life. On many days, I just wish I were dead.
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Thanks for the kudos.
What's best for me? I want to move back to China and teach English again. But I can't. I want to take the state department test and work in an embassy abroad. But I can't.If my mom weren't at issue, I'd do one of the above, or I'd just take the job in NY, and move to NYC downtown, blocks away from where I work. But instead, because she has to come with me, we can't afford to live in NYC, so I have to live outside the city and engage in an exhausting daily commute. And she'll be alone for 12 hours a day.
I feel trapped, chained, and locked into a prison I can't get out of. Not only do I have to do a 9-5 job I'm not really sure I'll like, but I have to move her and me to NY, and then I'll get no vacation days for months. And even so, where could I go? Mom either has to come (a chore) or stay (and I need to somehow get someone trustworthy to look after her).
Already, she no longer leaves apartment by herself, so now I have to go to her apartment twice a day to feed dog and take her on walks. It's her dog, but I do all of the hard work of caring for her. Took dog to the vet today and discovered the poor thing (3 years old) has a knee cap problem, and needs surgery to fix it. Cost: $8K. Where the heck is that money supposed to come from?
I am so scared about the move. We are going to be in new apartments we can't afford. Mom will be alone most of the time. I'm going to be slaving at this 9-5:30pm job, plus the daily roundtrip commute. No opportunities to go away on vacations. Very little time to meet friends, or find a girlfriend. I feel like my life is over already now; I feel it will be even more over after this move. And yet, I need this job, so feel I have no choice but to take it.
I also don't know what to do with our joint assets. Should I sell the rental condos and see that money just disappear? Or is it good to keep them, and keep the rental income coming in to help her like that? Do I hire someone (maybe Visiting Angels or Care.com)?
I'm also going crazy because if we move to apartments in NY, we can't bring the iron patio furniture that we have here outside on the front patio. Furniture we've had in family for decades. And then my mom's grand piano, which is in her apartment now. It's another family heirloom. I already screwed up selling our family lake house, and our family residence in NY. I am trying really hard not to sell the patio furniture and the piano, but both will be a burden to bring with us unless we bought a home again. But the one chance to buy a duplex fell apart, and now all that's left are single family homes, but I can't easily live with her. She yells, gets angry, always has the tv on, and the radio, and her phone—-it's a cacophony. And she always lives in the living room—not a bedroom. So it seems like it's apartment living for us, which absolutely kills me, because I want stability—-not a rent cost that increases every single year.
I am honestly falling apart.0 -
Hi, I'm going to PM you!
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A lawyer could help you figure out the commingled assets. Maybe the assets would need to be sold with each of you receiving half. I can see why you’re so confused. Without a lawyer you are groping around in the dark. Medicaid is complicated enough, but when you throw shared assets into the mix, you need professional help! I have attached a Medicaid link that may be helpful. I also attached a link on how to manage someone else’s money. It’s still worthwhile to learn all you can before meeting a lawyer, so you know what questions to ask.
https://www.consumerfinance.gov/consumer-tools/managing-someone-elses-money/
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You sound like I did 3 years ago. I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t imagine getting through it. Here’s the thing: you will get through this.
Focus on one thing at a time. If you need a job and the income will help, take the job. Move somewhere close enough to get there feasibly. If you have to live with your mom initially, find daytime care. Meet with an attorney to figure out finances. Once you know what you’re working with, you can look into options for mom.Truthfully? The 4 years since I became mom’s primary caregiver have been brutal. Moving her, figuring out finances, legal (POA etc), family, diagnosis, finding the right facility.
But with each hurdle, it has gotten a bit easier. Plus I know more.
Four years in, I’m in therapy, now seeing a psychiatrist, getting my own full physical, beginning to refocus on work (miraculously my work and reputation are in tact but it was close).
My point? My mom is safe, likes where she lives, is well cared for. I see her 3x a week moving to 2x. I’m starting to remember I have a life outside this, though it will take a while to rebuild. In your place I was 100 percent falling apart. I’m a broken record but truly make use of the Alz Assoc phone hotline. These people are trained and can be very very helpful. Good luck and keep us posted on the move.
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Have you thought about talking to an Alz Assoc social worker- they are no charge and have a lot of experienced advise or can just listen. Number below.
Patio furniture and pianos can be stored , set a time frame - use them within x number of months or sell or pass along to another relative. Take photos, record someone playing favorite songs on the piano as keepsakes.
Have you talked to an elder law attorney and your mother's tax advisor to see what the real picture is money and medicaid wise? Having co-mingled funds can cause capital gains and inheritance issues - you really should get these issues reviewed and see if changes should be made .
Finally, from what you've said just like you've said you can't live with your Mother due to the chaos her disease can cause - doesn't sound like she can safely live alone at this stage.
So, trying to figure out how to fit your need for space and work time and her increasing need for close to or at 24/7 care are clashing. Round pegs don't fit in square holes . Understandable it gives you stress.
Get the money advise to figure out where she can afford to be placed if you don't want to manage 24/7 live in care—which is the most expensive option.
"Get Help and Support, Day or Night (800.272.3900)
The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give us a call and we'll guide you from there."
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Thank you for these resources. I apprciate it.
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Thanks very much for the rahrah. I'm glad you're getting a handle on things. Sadly, it's already BEEN 4 years for me, and it's not really any better. But I'm trying, day by day.
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Thanks for your advice and counsel.
Yes, maybe putting it in storage but with a deadline is a good solution.
I haven't called the hotline yet, but perhaps I will give them a try. Is it always different people who pick up? Do they keep casenotes so you don't have to start all over again every time?
My mom: sometimes she complains that I sold her house in NY; sometimes she asks me to put her in an AL facility; sometimes she tells me how much she likes her apartment. It's a constant merry go round. Maybe putting her in a facility is a good thing, but I also am concerned: I put my dad in one, and they forgot to take out his catheter after surgery, and he got sepsis and died. Really upsetting. So I'm very wary. I also don't want to 'push' my mom away like she's trash. I don't want to 'discard' her. And by putting her in an AL facility, that's what I feel I'd be doing…1 -
I know how you feel. It stinks, but you are not alone. Every time I tell someone that I am caring for my DH with Alz, I hear a story about their own journey or someone close to them who is a caregiver. Caregivers sacrifice so much. It's important to remember to make decisions for ourselves, too.
It's true that your mom probably can't be left home alone or at least not for long so you'll have to find a day program and some help at home to cover you while you're working and schedule time for yourself as well.
Go where you want to be, where you see yourself being happy in the future.
Then find an elder lawyer there who can help you spend down and get your mom on Medicaid. If you're in any of the places you mentioned (Manhattan, NJ, Suffolk, Miami) there will be many resources such as day programs, homecare providers, and eventually SNF, if needed.
Being a Manhattanite myself, I'd chose Suffolk—I love the beach! but it's not cheap. You could live in Nassau & work in Suffolk, tho.
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They already assigned me to Manhattan, so if the position does come through, that's where I'll have to commute to daily. Will be a tough commute.
If I could live where I'd like, I'd go back to China to teach. But not a possibility at the moment. Not even sure when or if that would be possible again.
Sorry to hear about your DH. That can't be easy either. It's honestly really frustrating that so many of us suffer with LO with dementia. It also concerns me too that: oh great, both parents had alzheimers, so this is what I have to look forward to in my future too. Just utter madness, this is.Do you live in Manhattan now? If I do end up with the job there, maybe we could meet sometime for lunch or something. I was just thinking that it would be hard for me to meet anyone after work, because if I got out at 5:30, and get to Grand Central by 6, and then I'd be home by around 7. And that leaves little time for dinner and checking on mom, and maybe making her dinner. I'm realizing that my life is very likely to be just work and then home. I can't do much social life. If I went out with people after work, I'd likely end up getting home at 8:30 or 9. And then, it's just a few moments of respite, then sleep, and then wakeup, check on mom, take out her dog for walk, then back on the train to the city. Ugh. Doesn't sound fun… or sustainable.
You're right: I should have requested suffolk, because then I could have found apartments close to where I'd be working. I hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot…0 -
I know this is huge but try to look at the bright side. Most people who work FT don't have much time to socialize, but at least you'll be in NYC every day. And I assume you're excited about the job. If your mom has a caregiver (if not get one!) hire them for the weekends!
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Thanks for the motivation.
I just made a new post about my job. I'd love your feedback.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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