Maintaining my marriage

Pegs_Own

My MIL has not been diagnosed that we know of but she is extremely forgetful, paranoid, and just plain cruel. She swears the doctors have told her she does not have dementia but refuses to let any family or her husband go into the doctor's office with her so we seriously doubt that is true.

My husband (her son) and I are newly married and I bet you can guess that a large amount of her paranoia and cruelty is directed at me to the point that she has kicked me out of her house before and gets hateful with her grandkids if she knows they are talking to me. She says the most horrid things to my husband like he's not a real man because a real man could control my behavior and threatening to take away his inheritance if he doesn't divorce me.

My husband and I are trying to weather this storm and keep our tight bond but I got to tell you, its hard. Any suggestions for how we maintain our marriage? Especially with the holidays coming up (Christmas last year was just awful and everyone ended up in tears.)

SusanB-dil

Hi Pegs - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Does someone have DPOA (durable power of attorney) for her? It needs to be 'activated'. If not, FIL, or your husband, or another sibling, need to see a CLEC (elder-care lawyer) asap. Otherwise, someone will probably have to go for guardianship, which is more complicated and costly.

Your husband can still talk to her doctor, and let them know exactly what is happening. HOWEVER, without HIPAA rights, the doctor will not be able to respond back.

Congratulations on your marriage. If you think you and your husband would benefit from counseling, that's ok, too, and tell them what's happening with MIL. But if you can get MIL more situated, things may calm down.

Sorry you are dealing with 'this'!

H1235

Welcome. Great advice above. Given how you have described her I wonder if she is safe to live alone. Is she still managing her own money. She is very vulnerable to scam. She could loose everything. Is she still driving? Should she be? If someone has a DPOA and it is not the type that needs to be activated then it’s time to take action now! The DPOA should be allowed to see medical records, manage finances, take away car key, eventually admit her to assisted living… She probably won’t like it. I know it sounds harsh, but that doesn’t matter. Her safety is the priority. If there is no DPOA, I think I have heard of an emergency guardianship. Definitely see a lawyer. This is not going to just go away and you don’t want to wait til there is a disaster to step in. I have attached a staging tool that may help get you up to speed on symptoms and dementia progression. Many people with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It is awful! Pointing out those symptoms or trying to convince her there is a problem will only make things worse. People with dementia can get very angry in these situations. Sometimes people use workarounds or therapeutic fibs to get the person with dementia to do what is needed. If she shouldn’t be driving-disable the car, try to get her to the doctor for a non dementia related reason-high blood pressure, that kind of thing. It takes some creativity and even then it may still not work. Do you know if she has a patient portal set up with her doctor? Maybe some would say this is going too far, but what about going into her house while she is out and trying to get some information. Are bills being paid, is there any information from previous doctors visits, are things in logical places, are there burned kitchen towels? Go see a lawyer now!

DBAT.pdf

ARIL

Oh, I am so sorry. This is very hard.

My mom died eight months after my marriage, so I do understand the trial by fire of plunging straight into a family’s hardest times as a newlywed.

And in recent years I have been the target of a stepmother’s dementia-ignited rage, so that part feels unfortunately familiar too. I am so, so sorry.

Others have offered excellent suggestions about caring for your MIL. (Is her husband able to manage her care? What kind of support does he need? Does he have POA?)

You asked about nurturing your marriage. It is harder in these circumstances, but I have a few thoughts: you and your husband need to be on the same page as much as possible, although this situation is more his than yours to manage. You two need to talk, a lot, and openly. And you need to find/demand time together. Could you two go on a short trip together at Christmas? As a little extra celebration of your wedding? You do not have to do the same family routines you have done in the past.

You can’t disengage entirely either. When you marry somebody, the family is part of the package. But putting up with abusive behavior is not required of you. Your husband won’t be able to guarantee that he can manage her behavior—especially if she does have dementia—but if she is safe then he can draw some boundaries about how much he will listen to. That is, try not to blame him for her behavior, even inadvertently, and at the same time he will need to show his whole family that you and he are a family now. I hope that can happen without too much rancor.

It is possible that she will need medication to manage aggression. Her doctor needs to know about her behavior.

I feel for you. Here’s to weathering the storms of life! Come here to talk or vent or ask questions whenever you want.

SDianeL

Welcome. A couple of things that will help you. Both of you read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search for dementia caregiving videos online. Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow have good ones. Learn all you can so you can help her. Try not to take her comments personally. If she has dementia, it’s the disease talking.