Processing The Grief

howhale

My dear wife left us three weeks ago after her eight year battle with this evil disease. I have been her primary caregiver throughout, supported most recently by a couple of caregivers for several hours each day. The family and friends were there for us at the end and for the week or so after the funeral. They all must go back to trying to recover some normalcy in their lives and go forward. I, on the other hand, am at home alone with the hours, filled previously with caring for my wife, now empty. My wife is everywhere in the home, photos, clothes, decorations, etc., etc. I tried a therapist a couple times to find a way to handle the overwhelming grief and frequent breakdowns of crying. I did not find the hour each time spent to be very helpful. I find that, unless you have lived this nightmare as a caregiver and spouse, you do not grasp what we feel. Talking it out helps but most cannot handle the volume of grief we have to shed after years of caregiving. I have become convinced that it may only be someone who has lived this path in my shoes who will be able to help. I have not found any resources locally that can fill this need. Has anyone had luck finding resources to help them process the years of grief. For most who suffer a loss not related to this disease, the time during which their loved one passes is quite short and the grief has not had years to accumulate. In our case, we have been losing our loved one for years piece by piece, each step adding to our mountain of grief. Thanks for any suggestions or resources you may have found.

CampCarol

Hello @howhale , I’m so sorry you find yourself here in Stage 8. I too have been struggling to acclimate myself to this new reality; I’m almost at 3 months. I speak with a therapist weekly but not sure how long that will continue. The house is way too silent, and no amount of Tv, radio, or other artificial noise is helping. Weirdly though, I find I am more content staying inside looking out than trying to go find ways to occupy my time better. I have been puttering a lot, maybe it’s grief-nesting, I don’t know.

I did call the Alzheimer’s Association and asked them for referrals to grief groups specifically for spouses who lost someone to dementia. They were able to send a few referrals (I am surprised there weren’t more.) I’ve also been googling it and discovered some others that way. I have attended two so far…the first wasn’t very good, but the second was much better. Before my DH passed, I had joined a spouse caregiver group at the library that was run by the Alzheimer’s association, and that was great for support. Everybody had different experiences to share and different levels of knowledge, we were all in it together. So my plan is to keep trying these grief groups until I find my people.

This specific discussion area is not widely utilized, so sometimes it can take a few days to get a response to comments. I always seem to forget to check it when I’m online here, I keep getting drawn back to the regular spousal care threads. I will try to check back more frequently to see what you’re up to. Hang in there, there are people here that will also read this and help!