New to all of this as a caregiver

virtualjupiter

My brother Jim(not his real name) was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. They said he's at the beginning of it's advanced stage. Our other brother, Max, has been living with him and taking care of him, but he's sick too and his illness will be fatal within the year. I'm stepping up to help Jim after Max passes, likely even before that, so I'm getting ready for this and learning as much as I can.

The brothers prefer each other over me because they let each other get away with unhealthy behaviors. I had begged them to get Jim tested over two years ago, but they refused. I told them that there are medications to help, but that they help best when taken early, but neither would listen.

Jim has been repeatedly saying that if anyone tries to remove him from his apartment for any reason at all, he'll end his own life before going into a nursing home. I am extremely concerned about this because I know he'll do it. Max is planning to move into an apartment three doors down from Jim because he can't get any rest, but he still wants to help Jim for as long as he can. I think this is an excellent idea, I feel that Jim is too dependent upon Max, and Max just can't handle it anymore. When Max passes this will not only devistate Jim when Max passes, it will also destroy his life and leave him with no support system. Jim needs to learn that he's gonna be ok after Max passes, if he had some home help and could get used to that, it would make a big difference when Max goes.

I can only do so much, I can't live with him, and I can't do all the physical things he needs around the house. But I can and will make sure he gets the care he needs from other sources. I feel that Jim needs to be in a memory facility right now, I think that after Max passes, I'm going to want to get him into one as soon as possible. But I also feel like I need to do this in a sneaky way, regretfully, because if he realizes I'm trying to move him out of his apartment, he'll hurt himself.

Right now they have a bed bug infestation that they refuse to manage with professional help. Jim is a hoarder, it will be impossible to treat his unit without cleaning it out, and he absolutely refuses to throw anything away. Max has asked me not to tell anyone about this because Jim will become crazy impossible for him to manage through a process like that, it will kill Max. Jim spends his whole day messing around with all of his decor, it's all he has anymore in his life. He's refusing to bathe, and is becoming incontinent, and right now I'm powerless to do much besides try to be supportive. Max has a disorder of his blood (polythemia vera), and 2 other diagnosises as well, his doctors expect him to have a heart attack any day now, and there's no treatments to fix it. I personally do not want him to die of a heart attack because of these bed bugs, so I'm thinking to wait until he passes, and then figure out something with his doctor to get him out of there and into a facility, where there are no bugs like that and they'll make him bathe and won't let him screw around with his meds drinking beer all day long.

Gosh, just typing this, I can see how crazy this story is. And I hate what they're going through. If Max wasn't dying, I'd act on this stuff right now. But I can't live with the idea that it could be the final straw that stresses Max out enough to kill him. I can't do that to him, no matter that I definitely know how bad this is. They're functioning decently together right now, they like their lives and refuse to admit the bed bugs are even a problem to them. When Max moves it will remove him from that issue, he already said he would buy all new clothes and not take anything from that apartment into the new one. If he survives long enough for that move to happen, it'll ease the situation on him enough to approach the issue in Jim's unit and not have it kill Max with stress.

It's a really tough situation, I feel that it won't be resolved until I can get Jim into full-time care. I feel disturbed all the time by it.

Robert1320

Siblings.

I understand.

I've been living with and caring for my older sister for over a year, but am relatively new to this very helpful group.

What I've learned is that no matter what, she will insist on making her own decisions. Making direct suggestions triggers an anger response which is not good for her or me. So, I remind myself every day to not disagree and keep my mouth shut. (This is likely to change when her condition worsens and legal intervention becomes necessary.) I do enthusiastically support her decisions that are good for her.