Dad, strained relationship

Nicbre76

My dad has just been diagnosed with dementia. He and I have a strained relationship, but my sister and I are helping him as much as we can or as much as we can handle. our mom died November 20 22 and within the last year we’ve both noticed a decline in our Dad so we’ve had him tested. His memory is OK but his impulse control and executive functioning is shot. I’m just looking for support in order to be my best self and learning how to take care of someone who is obviously struggling, but refuses to do anything to take care of himself.

H1235

Welcome. My mom has vascular dementia. Unlike many here her memory is not to bad, but like your dad her executive functioning is not good. I find this combination of symptoms very very difficult. If I tell mom I will take her somewhere she wants to go (but can’t or shouldn’t ) she will be waiting by the door for me. It makes excuses and work arounds very difficult. Do you or your sister have a durable power of attorney. This is very important. Since many people with dementia have anosognosia (this is an inability to recognize their own symptoms or limitations), trying to convince him there is a problem is not going to be successful. There will never come a time when he realizes what is happening, asks for help or realizes he is not safe to live alone. At some point you will need to step in for his safety. My mom was so angry when I moved her to Al. She thought she would be fine living on her own. Mentally prepare yourself, he is going to get angry with you. It stinks, since all we are doing is to protect and keep our loved ones safe. You might try to get him to sign DPOA forms by just presenting it as something he should probably do since he is getting older. I wouldn’t put this off, it’s only going to get worse. If this fails guardianship is the other option. Even if you’re not there yet, it might be worth learning more about it for when the time comes. Managing finances is often one of the first skills to go. They are so vulnerable. I don’t know how you can step in here without a DPOA. If a facility is your plan B, I would start looking. Some can have a waiting list. They can also be very expensive. Medicaid may need to be considered. Is he still driving? This is another very difficult topic. We were fortunate, mom’s doctor said she should not live alone and should stop driving. Blaming it on the doctor is helpful. Could you ask his doctor his opinion on living alone and driving? Do you have hipaa right? If so you could write a note to his doctor and ask his opinion. Mom never signed up for a patient portal, so I did. It gave me a great way to communicate with her doctor without her knowing and getting upset. This site is great. I have found it so helpful. I have attached a staging tool that may help.

DBAT.pdf

SusanB-dil

Hi Nicbre76 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Dad may have anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather, the inability to perceive that anything is wrong.

One of the first things needed is DPOA and HIPAA paperwork. If you don't have that, maybe check in with a CLEC (elder-law attorney). Also check finances to make sure his bills are getting paid and he isn't getting scammed.

My mom and I always had a strained relationship. Now that she thinks I'm her sister, she's nicer. go figure. But brother and I are on the same page with her care, and she is already placed in MC, so there's that. But I understand strained relationships and trying to care anyway.