Anger Issues with mom and losing caregivers

Jrpudas

My mom is 89 years old with moderate Alzheimer's and Binswanger disease. She lives with my step-dad (they have been married over 50 years) who also was just diagnosed. I live 250 miles away and have been staying with my parents first for one week out of every month and now two weeks out of every month for over two years now. I am self employed and have had to scale back my business to accomodate the time spent with my parents. I have had caregivers coming in 3 then 4 days a week for over a year for respite care. My mom gets angry at times and is really, really mean. She's mean to my dad and the caregivers, she's even lashed out at me a couple of times. This surprised me because my mom and I have always been very close and pretty much best friends. She won't allow certain caregivers to help her in the bathroom and has not allowed caregivers to help her shower. The caregivers are supposed to do light housekeeping, meals, personal care and make sure my mom stays safe. My mom will verbally lash out at caregivers for OCD things like water spots left on sink, little specks of crumbs etc left on the counter or stove, things not put back into the exact spot, loading the dishwasher exactly the way she wants it and so many other things also. She will get angry and yell, call them names or stupid and even use foul language at times. She will yell at them when she wants to go out into the backyard and they follow her. This is a huge safety issue, but when she yells at the caregivers, the caregivers turn and go back into the house if they are outside or they will go into another room if they are inside. The caregivers don't seem to know how to redirect, defuse or distract when these episodes occur. I am on my 4th caregiving service and at my wits end on what to do. They all state that they are experienced with Alzheimer's but in the end, they truly don't seem to be.

Anyone have similar situations and what can I do?

SDianeL

welcome to the place for info and support. Many agencies say their caregivers have experience but I doubt they have training in dementia caregiving. I gave my husband’s caregiver the book “The 36 Hour Day” and asked her to read it. She did and said it helped. I would give the caregiver specific directions about not leaving the room and not allowing your Mom to go outside alone. Your Mom isn’t intentionally being mean. It’s the disease. Dementia causes anxiety, agitation and aggression. I would ask her doctor for anti anxiety medication. Search online for Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow dementia caregiving videos. They are helpful.

harshedbuzz

@Jrpudas

Are you POA for both of them? Or does stepdad have adult children who are the decision makers for him?

IME, there are not enough dementia-trained aides available through the agencies. This means that they are very much in demand and can select the clients they work with. If mom's unpleasant, even a dementia-trained carer may ask to be assigned to someone else who isn't. This happened with a friend; she had a terrific caregiver for her mom who asked to be reassigned when mom reached the late stages and was less able to be engaged in activities. My friend was devastated.

Behavior is communication. If she's having catastrophic reactions to minor things, she's likely suffering with considerable levels of anxiety and agitation. Medication could be a huge help in dialing back the emotions that cause this kind of behavior.

It might make more sense to place mom in a MCF. A good one will have dementia trained staff and dementia informed programming which might keep her calmer.

HB