Rehoming

evesedwick

How do I help my mother understand she is living with me now and can no longer go home?

April23

Moving our LO's is so hard. How long has she been with you? It can take awhile before the PWD becomes accustomed to a new environment.

Sometimes the anxiousness comes from being somewhere unfamiliar (even if it's a place she was familiar with in the past). You can reassure her she is safe with you and loved. Our LO's often will take their cues from us. If you are calm and reassuring, see if that helps. Remember that you won't be able to reason with her. "Mom, you're with me now because…." She won't understand. In her mind, there's nothing wrong with her.

Often redirection can help. "Mom I wanted to do this with you today…" and then direct her toward something she enjoys. As much as she is able, have her help with things around the house: folding her laundry, setting the table, etc. so she feels included. Personally, I don't think there's harm in acknowledging that you understand she wants to go home, that change is hard, etc. Some things will work sometimes and then not work other times. It's a process.

If you haven't read "The 36-Hour Day" it's a book that has helped many of us here.

evesedwick

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253815#Comment_253815

Thank you so much for your help. I did bring her here under false presence... I told she was coming to visit. It was the only way we could get her to leave her house. She's been here for 3 days … the first day was terrible. The second day was good. Now she is anxious to return to her home and I don't know how to tell her or when

H1235

Would it be possible to blame the move on her doctor? Sometimes my mom does better at accepting things if it comes from someone other than me.

sandwichone123

You may not be able to make her understand, and it might not help much if you did. Keep making it a visit "for a few weeks," perhaps while her house has some repairs, or maybe there was flooding in her area.

The problem is, when people have dementia they don't reason as they used to, so we make stories ("fiblets") to keep them calm and to fit into their understanding of the world. Find a reason that she needs to be with you "for a while" and stick with it. Their sense of time changes so three days may seem like a long time but six months not. It's unpredictable, but the key is to find a story that works, and often, as H1235 suggests, a story that places the responsibility elsewhere than on you.

SDianeL

anxiety causes your Mom to want to go home. For many PWDs home is a feeling not a physical place. As others have suggested create another fiblet that her house needs repair and she needs to stay with you until it’s finished because it’s not safe for her there. She will probably ask many times a day. Just answer and then redirect, distract or offer a treat to change the subject. If she has anxiety and agitation, ask her doctor for anti-anxiety medication. I would not tell her she lives with you now. That will only increase her anxiety and agitation.

troubledone

I'm wondering the opposite. My mom is living in her own apartment now, but that's mostly because that's how I set it up. We are close, but separate.

If I get us a home and have her live with me, I fear it's a tinderbox. She gets angry at me often, and yells, and sometimes grabs me or hits me. It's scary at times. She also always lives in the living room. If we got a house together, she'd end up taking over the living room, and the kitchen/fridge would be dominated by her. I'd feel like I have no space to myself.

And yet, if we lived together, costs would be lower. For housing, electricity, etc, since we'd both share the costs.

I don't know what to do.

April23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254284#Comment_254284

Honestly, given this situation, if you ever feel like your mom is no longer able to live alone, then you should consider long-term care for her. You can't put yourself at risk of physical violence with a LO that has dementia. The situation is not going to get better, only worse.

RunningWorried76

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253817#Comment_253817

Give it time. Keep making excuses as to why she can't go home. You'll have to lie, of course. It's hard. I did the same with my mom. She lived far away and another family member was helping care for her. It eventually became too much for that person, so I moved her in with me. I had her come up for 'a visit' with no intention of letting her go home. After about 2 months, she actually said to me that she wanted to sell her house and stay living with me. I got lucky, I guess. Typically, once they get into a routine they are comfortable with, that's all they want. I hope it works out for you.

troubledone

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254353#Comment_254353

Yeah, today she got really angry and I was cornered in her kitchen. Not pleasant when she starts yelling and screaming at me. It reminded me that living with her is not good for me, or her.