Long distance care

troch85

My dad is in the advanced stages of dementia. My parents live in Germany, while I’m in Texas with my own family and young kids. My sister lives close to my parents and helps as much as she can, and my brother is a few hours away. But my mom is the primary caregiver—she’s with my dad 24/7, with only a few hours of outside help each day.

It’s heartbreaking to see her struggle, especially after just losing her own mother, who lived in the same house. I feel so far away and so guilty. I want to be there, to help, to ease the burden—but I also have responsibilities here. My kids need me. My family needs me. And still, the distance weighs heavily.

I just needed to share. It’s hard. Really hard.

ARIL

Oh, I am so sorry, and I feel for you. This is very, very hard, for sure. I and many friends of mine have assisted parents with dementia who were hundreds of miles away (my dad now us near me). I am sure the necessity of international flights to see your family feels really tough.

Even so, there are ways you can help and feel more involved from home. Phone calls of course—to offer a listening ear to the on-the-spot caregivers. Letters or photos—tangible things your relatives can receive and look at repeatedly and at a time that suits them. Can you create ways to connect your family in Germany with your children? Kids can be very cheering. You can also ask directly (of your siblings and your mom) what you might do to be helpful. (If they say “come visit,” you may need to tamp down your guilt and help everybody think more creatively. This isn’t 1900; you can be involved from the other side of the world.)

You can also come here to express your feelings. This disease is awful, and people on this forum know that all too well.

My sympathy also on the death of your grandmother.

JulietteBee

Hugs and condolences being sent your way.

As stated above, there are many ways to help out and keep in touch, without boarding a plane.

Get yourself a FREE Zoom account. Make weekly video calls. One, primarily with mom and dad. You may only be able to chit-chat with dad, but mom needs to have as many shoulders to lean on and as many ears in which she can voice her fears and concerns.

Make another call to your sister who obviously carries the lion share of the burden.

Schedule weekly Zoom meeting times for your kids with grandma. Those calls being for them to check up on grandma, and for them to share their childhood joys. That time is just for them and grandma. Do not include them in your calls with your mom or sister. Those are adult calls, no kids allowed.

Ask your sister to send you a list of things your dad needs. Then see if she can suggest some things your mom may want, things simply intended to brighten her day. Amazon needs to become your bff.

Lastly, you could surprise the entire family. The ones in Texas and the ones in Germany should be treated with a Christmas gift to remember. If you book in advance, you can always find discounted flights, especially if you search on a Tuesday night. Take your crew to Germany where they can make some unforgettable memories with their family, who I sense they do not get to be with very often.

That trip could also give your mom and sister some well deserved respite care.

Speaking for myself, I know when my sibling would come home to visit our parents, I felt at ease to go out with my husband and child, without feeling dread and anxiety when the phone rang. I also could take the liberty to turn off my phone's ringer while taking a nap.