My parents are stubborn

Angelica R

Hi! This is my first post here. My dad has ALZ. I'm not sure what stage because his neurologist hasn't told us. He's progressing. My mom, my dad's caretaker is really struggling with accepting dad's behavior changes. My dad did a lot, all the driving, yard work, filled the car with gas etc. She's not a confident driver so their world is going to change a lot because she finally admitted that he shouldn't be driving anymore which will be a huge blow to him. My parents have always been independent. My dad's diagnosis has really brought out his ego which I didn't know he had. My mom is struggling. She says she's prepared to care for him but she's so in denial. I honestly don't know how to be around them. Thanks for reading.

cartfans2

Hugs!
my husband had vascular dementia. It was difficult to watch him change. Being his wife gave me the ability to make decisions. It must be so very difficult for you to watch what is happening and have zero control.
we had trouble with the doctors giving us any real information also. I’m guessing because it doesn’t have a definitive/one size fits all answer.
each person experiences differences based on so many factors. Yes, there is some common ground, and a general idea of what is to come or what stage they are in, but it would be very difficult to pinpoint.

When my husband would catch a cold or one time, he stubbed his toe and it got infected… He became so different. It seemed like his dementia took a dive overnight. But as soon as he healed from the cold and healed from the infection, he was back to just regular dementia! L O L.

I said that as an example to show that pinpointing exactly where they are at is very difficult. And it must be very difficult for you to not know, I’m sure!
One very basic, important thing to know and try to do, is get a durable power of attorney. It has to be the durable kind! Because one thing no one wants is to have the state make decisions for their health if something goes wrong.
Being here on this forum with other caregivers will be very helpful for you, at least it was for me anyway!

SDianeL

welcome to the place for info and support. The doctor won’t discuss stages. Google “7 Stages of Dementia” and look for a chart with behaviors for each stage. It will give you a general idea. Many spouses are in denial and they don’t really see the progression because they are around their PWD all the time. The old forest for the trees concept. Your Dads behavior is caused by the disease. It’s not about his ego. It’s about his anxiety. He also may not be able to comprehend he has the disease. I doubt your Mom will be able to care for him as the disease progresses. Have a Plan B. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos. Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow have good ones. Have your Mom read the book and watch the videos. Do you have a Durable Power of Attorney and medical POA and HIPPA documents? If not, meet with an Elder Law Attorney and get them done for both parents ASAP.

H1235

Welcome. You have been given great advice. A DPOA is very important. I also agree that a plan B is very important. Some facilities can have a waiting list. It might be a good idea to see what the options are near you. Is your mom still paying bills on her own? Do you have any idea what their financial situation is? Assisted living and memory care can be very expensive. There is always Medicaid, but there are requirements and restrictions. If you think money may be an issue it might be worth looking into Medicaid requirements in your state with a lawyer. A lawyer may also be able to help them protect assets. Mom’s lawyer suggested a prepaid funeral for example. I feel like the more I know about dementia the better decisions I can make and interactions I can have with my mom. It also gives me insight into what may be to come so I’m not shocked or unprepared. Anosognosia is very common with dementia. This is the inability of a person with dementia to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It can make things difficult! I have attached a staging tool that may be helpful. I also attached an an article about dementia that may be helpful. Sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us.

DBAT.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf