Not Sure What To Do -- Feeling Overwhelmed and Trapped

troubledone

Hi Again,

I care for my mom who has Alzheimer's dementia. She is somewhat independent (own apartment) but can't do grocery shopping, pay bills, remember to take the dog out, go to doctor appointments, etc. I do all of these things for her.

I feel absolutely trapped. I used to not only travel often, but also live abroad and work in different countries. Most recently I was in China for 3 months teaching. That was 2019, before I had to start helping my mom.

Now I barely travel. I don't do much anymore. I have been offered a job in NY (currently in Florida) which would be the first time I've worked full-time in a long time. But I need the money, to cover my expenses, and also my mom's. But taking this job means we both have to move to NY, and now mom will be alone 12 hours a day while I'm away at work.

People keep saying I should hire help, yet with their money? No, with my money, which I just don't have. We own some real estate, and I keep wondering if we should sell, but given how expensive homecare is, it wouldn't last very long, and then I'm in a worse situation.

I'm absolutely overwhelmed. I'm stressed about not having an income now and living here in Florida where I don't fit in. I'm stressed about this new job and potentially having to move TWO households back up to NY, to find new places to live, and then figuring out how to manage the full-time job and also look after my mom.

Meanwhile, despite being happy to look after her, a big part of me is also becoming very resentful. I feel trapped. I can't travel anymore, and bringing her with me is extremely difficult for many reasons. I certainly can't live abroad. I'm growing older and older, and now I'm seeing my life pass me by as I care for my mom. I'm glad to do it, but I'm growing very depressed and overwhelmed.

There's always the question, "How about siblings?" but they are out of the equation, and do absolutely nothing.

I think back to living in China 10 years ago—-about 10 Chinese girls all wanted to marry me. I said no to them all. Looking back, I was a fool, because perhaps they would have then been able to help me now so I'm not doing this all alone.

What does one do in this situation? I see my own life falling apart, and I'm completely trapped.

JulietteBee

If you have real estate, if you don't mind me asking a rhetorical question, what are you doing with it?

My parents have real estate which was already paid off. Mom wanted to sell and "get rid of it." My very wise young adult child told me to let it work for me.

After moving mom to an IL facility, I rented out their primary house. Her tenant is basically paying for her apartment.

By so doing, I've created a passive stream of income for my mom. If I had sold, pulling that much $$$ out, for monthly rent, would blow through her cash in about 8 years.

I've sadly come to realize that this vile disease could continue making a fool of my highly educated mother for upwards of 10 years.💔

SDianeL

have you tried calling the Alzheimer’s toll free number? They may be able to provide resources in either state. Your Mom will not be able to stay by herself. She will need Memory Care. Memory Care is much cheaper in Florida. Have you spoken with an Elder Care Attorney? They know about financial options. So sorry you are going through this.

H1235

I really think you need to see an elder law attorney! It sounds like you are covering a lot of your moms care. There may be services or Medicaid that would be available to her. It sounds like she is going to need a facility. You can’t be expected to care for her forever, you need to live your life and work.

Quilting brings calm

Please see an elder care attorney. Either rent the real estate or sell it, it’s probably too late to get it into a trust with the 5 year lookback. Use the money for her care, and to pay the expenses that you have since part of the real estate is yours.

In addition- Why tie yourself down with real estate that you won’t use after she passes, since you really want to leave the country?

I ( not that you asked) think you are setting yourself up for failure to move somewhere for a new job that will require you to leave your mom home alone for 12 hours a day. Especially since you know no one andhave no back up set up. One of the reasons I retired is that I could never predict my work week. I had no idea on Monday that mom or dad would require a last minute doctor appointment or ER visit on Thursday that would take me away from work for over a half a day. And that was with them being in assisted living.

troubledone

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254289#Comment_254289

Hi Juliette,

You pretty much know the story from the zoom. We had a paid off lakehouse in maine, and a paid off house in NY. Idiot me sold them both. I wish I had known then what I know today about real estate, rentals, mortgages, etc. Even taking out a cash-out mortgage on each property would have made more sense. We would still have both properties today.

Instead, we have two 1 bedroom condos that we have here. One paid for in cash ($200K) and one mortgage with $112K down. Both are rented now. The cash one brings in a good net profit per month. The mortgaged one just barely pays for mortgage and HOA fee. So it's unclear to me how good of an investment that is. And then there's about $210K in the bank remaining, which I don't know what to do with. I was holding on to it hoping to buy a place for me and mom, but I can't live with her easily anymore, and duplexes are hard to find. I've got to do something with it, because right now, it's inflating away in the bank. I may need to put into the SPY. Or part of it. Rather than just having it sit around.

I am just doing my best to stop the money bleed, but as it is now, the money is disappearing fast. We used to have a joint bank account 4 years ago with $180K in it. Now it's down to $30K. Which is why I need to take one of these jobs I've been interviewing for—-I have to stop the bleed.

troubledone

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254293#Comment_254293

Hi Diane,

Even memory care in Florida is $8K/month. More than we can afford. And the heat here is driving me absolutely batty. If I can get out of here and return to NY, through this job, I am going to have to take the chance. I can try to call the Alzheimers number.

Thank you.

troubledone

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254314#Comment_254314

The problem with this is that we co-own assets together. And there's a 5-year lookback. So even if we put everything into my name, it would take 5 years before she'd be eligible.

I also am unsure if I can put everything in my name with the POA. I made need guardianship. I have the medical proof now. I'd just need to do it.

Worst part of all this is that she doesn't think she has any issues, and constantly yells at me that I am making financial decisions without consulting her (like selling the house in NY). But we did talk about it all. Many times. She just doesn't remember.

troubledone

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254380#Comment_254380

The real estate is rented, yes.

I could sell the real estate, but then do what with the money? Just use it all up? I believe I need investments that will last, so that we aren't using the principal, but instead, the profit and/or interest from that principal.

I can more easily leave the country if I have passive income from real estate. This is what many countries require in order to get a residence permit: passive income.

I'm already failing here in Florida, so if I fail in NY, at least I'm failing in four seasons where it's not beastly every single day. And this is the best job offer I've ever been given. I don't want to end up resenting her by staying here (unemployed) just to care for her the rest of my life. That would drive me even more insane.

I know what you're saying, but I did this with my dad, and it was really tough. I'm not doing it again with my mom if I can avoid it. I want to care for her, but I also want to have a life. And I don't want to use up every single penny she and I both have, so when she dies, I not only am not ahead, but I'm even farther behind financially than I was before? That's just madness, and would not be good.

Also, if I get the federal job, after a year or two, there's the FMLA (family medical leave act) so I could take off lots of unpaid time off to help my mom and I couldn't lose my job. That's potentially very helpful for me and her both.

Kim400

I feel this. So overwhelmed. Siblings that don’t help. It feels like a nightmare at times. I hope your load becomes less and you find resources to be able to move.

troubledone

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254643#Comment_254643

Hi Kim. Yeah, same here. Not fun. Wish I could travel. Wish I could be less financially overwhelmed. Wish I had more help.

What's your situation specifically? Why do you feel overwhelmed?

I think the worst part is that every solution IS a nightmare:
Solution 1: I put my mom in a nursing home. That makes me feel bad, and will cost even more money, so may not even be feasible.
Solution 2: I take her with me overseas and traveling. But that is very difficult, and becomes more difficult with every passing day.
Solution 3: I take a full time job (which I'm working on right now) that pays well, but monopolizes all of my time so I have little time for myself, and less time to help my mom. Have little time to travel, and no opportunity to live abroad again. And always worried about my mom.
Solution 4: Her death, which is a morbid thought, and I don't look forward to that, so it's not a good solution either.