Looking for ideas to a rather specific situation re: mom obsessing

leslieO423

Hi -

We moved my mom into AL back in May. She has moderate mid-stage AD and, although she had been living in her own home until then, I had started living with her part time because she was afraid at night and starting to struggle with keeping up the house, etc. The facility we chose has a step up program called "Bridges" which allows my mom to get some extra assistance with things like taking her meds, navigating the menus, among other tasks PWD tend to struggle with without being moved into a full MC unit.

She has not adjusted well to AL. I believe there are reasons for some of the concerns she keeps bringing up but one particular issue is her house. And I don't mean the common "wanting to go home." We are in the process of selling her house so she can afford to continue living in AL - we've set up a trust, I'm the trustee, my sister is her POA, all our ducks are aligned.

Problem is, many times when we visit, her first question is "what's happening to my house?" (Again, not "I want to go home".) She keeps accusing us (my sister mostly) of wanting to move into the house so we can sell it and keep her money. Trying to explain what we're doing and how we're doing it to protect her obviously doesn't really work. We can sometimes distract her but that doesn't really work for long because this is something she has been obsessing over for ages (long before she moved into AL.) We were telling her that we're making repairs to the house hoping to delay and distract but she is just lucid enough to know that she's been in AL for a few months now and gets angry over paying the bills for a home she doesn't live in. (The house went up for sale last week after we did make several pretty large repairs. I am loathe to tell her that.)

So I'm supposed to visit her tomorrow and am plum out of ideas on how to reassure or redirect. She gets quite angry and has actually gotten a bit physical with both of us so I really want to try and move her away from this conversation in the first place but I don't know how.

Does anyone have any suggestions at all that might help?

H1235

Wow! Can I relate. My mom was mainly concerned with going through the things in her house. She doesn’t want anyone else to touch anything. She says she wants to decide where and to who her things will go. This seems reasonable, but mom is a hoarder, the house is full and mom can’t handle the stress of being there. I haven’t brought her to her house since we moved her to Al. I have tried to avoid bringing up her house at all costs. There have been times when I found something she might enjoy having in her al apartment at Al, but I don’t bring it because I know it will only anger her that I had been rooting through her personal things. When she has brought up the house or money I usually respond with a vague answer or change the subject. When I try to give her answers or explanations she doesn’t understand. It has been said many times here you can not reason with a person with dementia! But it is so darn hard. Mom often demanded an explanation. Any explanation would be countered with that’s ridiculous and before you know it I was sucked into an argument. Sometimes I would just tell her, I’m not going to have this conversation and if you want me to stay we need to talk about something different. Well, let’s just say there were a lot of visits cut short. I still think this was a way better approach than trying to explain things. We did put her on medication to help with stress and depression and she has seen a counselor. I don’t think she would be able to implement any coping strategies, but it gives her someone to talk to. We have now moved her to a nursing home and I don’t get interrogated about the house like I used to, although I still avoid bringing it up in conversation. Hopefully that continues. I hope you can find something that works.

SiberianIris

I am having a similar issue with my mom. She can forget most things within minutes, but she will not forget "her house", which is the IL/AL apartment she lived in for 6 years prior to moving into MC last month. She no longer understands that she was only renting it and never owned it. Every visit she still asks about it, but thankfully it's happening less often with less emotion.

We're still sticking with the story that "the doctor wants you to stay here for awhile for serious physical therapy". This works for her since she is aware her leg sometimes hurts, and she really likes physical therapy. On the occasions when she asks "can you take me to my house?", I'll answer "Yes, but I can't do it today. In the meantime, do you want to look at some family pictures?". This works because she gets a positive answer, and her short term memory is so short. (I always bring a bag of various items of interest to her like cookies, pictures, magazines, etc. to use whenever the visit gets awkward.)

I recommend your answer to your mother be something agreeable and believable to her in HER reality. Now that dementia is in the picture, you'll never get her to understand in actual reality, and if you do, she might soon forget and ask you the same questions again and again. It's best to have an answer that is the least upsetting and gives her some reassurance, because she'll probably keep asking it for awhile.

I will say that meds have helped a lot with Mom's anxiety and has helped tone down her obsessions.

mtmangum

I can definitely relate to your experience, although my mom was involved in the sale of her house in another state, in order to move her closer to me. And I have no siblings, so I’m it. I will admit, I may not have been completely up front with her about her new living arrangements, but I moved her into a Senior Independent Living facility that was quite nice and I really thought she would enjoy living there. Unfortunately, she did not. She stayed in the IL facility for about a year and now lives in my home with me and my husband.

There have been so many things she obsesses about – how would her funeral be paid for? – she has an insurance policy that will more than cover it. Where was all her money – it’s where it has always been, in the bank. This has been an ongoing argument with her. She wants the money in cash in her hand! We still have this argument about once a month or so. Fortunately (?), her cognition has declined enough that she does not obsess about many of the issues any more, except for her money. This is not to say that she is happy living with me. She is not. And she reminds me of this when she becomes agitated. She accuses me of taking all her money and sticking her in that ‘dump’- the IL facility.

It is very stressful to have to listen to her speak to me that way. I mostly do not respond, which is difficult. I have, on occasion, told her that we are not going to talk about this again. As the leslie 0423 stated, it does little good to try to explain the situation. My LO thinks that there is nothing wrong with her and that she is capable of living alone.

Sorry if my post is confusing, there is so much to say about my mother’s disease, it is difficult to condense into a cogent narrative.

leslieO423

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254360#Comment_254360

Thanks for the suggestions. I have been trying to think of things for us to do so she won't just continue to obsess about it. I have been bringing her sweets when I visit but the magazines and pictures are a good idea.

I recently learned the trazodone that had been prescribed when she was taken to a geriatric psych unit after first moving in was only a 2 week script and had never been refilled so we're trying that now. This will be my first visit since she's been back on it. Fingers crossed it helps with the anxiety and agitation.