Respite

CindyBum

I have been so fortunate. One of my DWs sisters has been coming up every couple of weeks to offer me respite. I just had two lovely nights away and I loved every minute of it, as I can feel that I’m coming to the end of my rope.

My DW missed me like crazy when I was gone. Had a nice little reunion and then right back to the complaining about me about a 1/2 hour upon my return. I wish I could say I’ve built up a thicker skin to it, but I haven’t. That’s what I get for being a people pleaser my entire life.

I know her reasoning is ridiculous, but she will not get out of my damn face about it. All morning today has been her wanting to “sit down and talk” about all I’m doing wrong —- all with the disapproving tone but mostly nonesense sentences. Still just enough to get her point across. Now she’s crying more as well because I’m so bad at taking care of her. I treat her like a dang queen, y’all.

It’s wearing me down so much, even with the respite. I can’t face the look of betrayal I know she’ll shoot me when I place her, but having her upset and crying every day here seems not great for her. Certainly not a great deal for me either.

I’ll push through to the new year and decide then I appreciate you all reading me write about this….again. Ha! I’m definitely stuck in an awful dementia doom loop.

Quilting brings calm

I suppose you can eventually use this to explain to her why you’ve placed her ( once you have). Not to be unkind, but to say ‘you are correct, I haven’t been doing the best job so I’ve found someplace that can do a better job. I’m not going anywhere, I will still be here for you….’. Granted, you can’t use logic on a PWD, but it may be a way to ease her into it.

CindyBum

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254354#Comment_254354

excellent suggestion

annie51

It must be so hard to hear what you hear day after day. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re getting some respite to help keep you going but it’s still hard to get back to “normal” dementia life.

harshedbuzz

@CindyBum

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Dad behaved similarly with mom who was giving so much of herself daily. It really beat her down to the point of hopelessness and self-neglect. It was really hard to watch. I wish I could say this criticism was out-of-character for him but it wasn't so it felt real to her.

I pushed hard for her to place him. We told him the doctor ordered rehab which meant coming home was not our decision.

Dad excoriated her over it for a few visits, so I tagged along and physically removed her if he started up. Over time, he settled in and saw his care team as professionals. He was more or less content by a month in. By that time, mom was able to go back to being a doting wife and their relationship improved.

HB

cdgbdr

@CindyBum

This is rough and you are doing your best. DH moved into MC 20 days ago. He is settling in and the caregivers are kind. He yelled at me about how I was helping him in the bathroom the last time I was there. I guess I'm not as good as they are. At home, he had reached the point that he would sit all day in a wet brief and wouldn't let me help him. I was amazed when one of the aides told him she wanted to make sure he was clean and dry for the night and he went right with her. So, when you make a difficult decision, it may well be better, in at least some ways, for her.

Bridge4

Cindy, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so disheartening to give all that you have to give and then be berated and criticized for not “doing it right”- ugh! Thanks for sharing, as it somehow feels better to know that we do not walk this road alone, and that if others can persevere then we can too. It’s encouraging to hear the many examples where spouses are doing better in MC, whether it’s because PWDs are not as emboldened to confront non-family members, or that professionals with the right tools and training actually can do it better. Either way, it presents a transition to MC as a positive step in the inevitable downward progression of this disease.