Assisted living
took hubby to tour assisted living facility. Of course he asks am I trying to get rid of him. He has neurologist appointment next week so hoping the doctor can encourage this. Does anyone have any suggestions how I can get him to agree to this. I’m trying to avoid just leaving him there. Thx!
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Sorry but I doubt you will never get him to agree. He can’t reason because his reasoner is broken. And he doesn’t comprehend that he has a disease. Many of us have worked with the MC facility and created a fib to get our LO there and then waited before we visited the first time to allow our LO to settle in. Did you tour AL or MC? I would not place him in AL as you will need to move him again as the disease progresses. MC facilities are better trained and equipped to care for PWDs. I would not bring it up in front of him at his doctor visit. Talk to the doctor separately. Discussions about AL or MC with your DH only increases his anxiety. We know this is difficult. Remember you are doing this for him, not to him. Hugs. 💜
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Do you have any children (in common) who might attempt to explain to him why this is a kind of solution, albeit an imperfect one? What about any of his siblings with whom you have a genuine relationship? I don't think you can rely upon what the neurologist will say unless you have already spoken with him/her and know his/her opinion on this matter.
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He cannot be a part of the "decision" to admit him to assisted living. You will actually have to decide on an admission date and "leave him there." He does not have the ability to participate in this important decision.
I also would make VERY sure that he is truly "assisted living" and because often loved ones think the person is far more able than they truly are.
Think about the absolute worst day, the most confusing day he has, and the placement should match those abilities. That may be memory care level.3 -
The faculty director told me he was eligible for assisted living. He still dresses himself, washes eats on his own. He walks without cane or walker. Physically strong. Leaving him there will be almost the worst day of my life. Thx
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We have been touring facilities. They will do an evaluation to determine whether the placement should be assisted living or memory care. Find a facility that offers both options so that if your loved one needs to be moved from the assisted area to memory care that the move is at the same facility. You will have to make this decision without him. Put him on a waitlist at your first choice with a refundable deposit. They will leave call when a room is available and leave him on the list indefinitely if the time is not right.
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He has no siblings. Wish he had a brother.
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they said he was AL right now but have memory care in another building so can easily move there when needed.
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@Katcat said
took hubby to tour assisted living facility. Of course he asks am I trying to get rid of him.
I wish I could turn back time and undo this. Unfortunately, you are not going to get DH's buy-in on leaving home. He may have anosognosia and be completely unable to recognize the level of care he needs or the impact it is having on you.
The other unfortunate piece to this is despite memory loss, many PWD can and will hold onto events that carry a strongly negative emotion. Dad recalled being in rehab after a hospitalization for which he blamed my mom. This caused hypervigilance around "being put in a home" and distrust of mom and me.
He has neurologist appointment next week so hoping the doctor can encourage this.
I would discuss with his doctor ahead of time to make sure he's willing to discuss caregiving. IME, most neurologists are reluctant to "go there". Physicians are bound to recommend what is best for their patient. When we brought dad in for his pre-admission physical exam, their shared PCP suggested they both go to AL together as if we were too damn dumb to have known such options were possible. I was at that appointment and didn't want to throw dad under the bus by telling the doctor he'd been ideating murder-suicide and needed to be placed for mom's safety.
Does anyone have any suggestions how I can get him to agree to this.
Never, ever have I heard of someone with dementia checking themselves into a AL/MCF willingly or being talked into. It just doesn't happen. You'll only make it harder on you both. I've heard of people who insisted on ignoring this advice being met with pleas from their LO that they will kill themselves or making childlike promised to "be good from now on".
The spouse or other POA makes that decision and lives with it. Try to see this as doing this for him, not to him.
I’m trying to avoid just leaving him there. Thx!
Sadly, that's exactly what will happen unless you opt to move in with him until he needs MC. And it's awful.they said he was AL right now but have memory care in another building so can easily move there when needed.
Three things for you to consider.
Firstly, many places that offer a range of levels of care use a sales strategy that is basically bait'n'switch. They'll offer lower cost and lovely AL as the option for the PWD to get them in the door and then make the change to MC within a month or so when it becomes apparent the PWD needed that level of care on admission.
Secondly, spousal caregivers provide a lot of scaffolding and support for ADLs at home. You probably don't realize how much help you are to his ability to function day-to-day in the form of modeling skills, prompts and the like. When you are no longer doing this, it's very likely some of the ADLs he's "independent" around at home may require assistance in AL.
And thirdly, I would not sign any contract with an AL without touring and interviewing staff in the MC building. IME, CCRC and multilevel care communities often aren't consistently good across all units. One place near me is awesome for rehab and AL, but not so great at MC and another is great at hospice and SNF but kind of meh at AL and MC.
Sorry to be a downer.
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Thx very much for all your input. The knot in my stomach started. To rationalize this I tell myself if I weren’t around can he take care of himself without me. No he cannot. Questioning when is the right time. The place I’ve chosen is fine. My mom was at their rehab. Eventually he will need MC. At least first 2 months will cost less then if he went to MC. Long term insurance I pay out of pocket first 2 months. I’m assuming but will check if he’s moved after 2 months to MC I hope I won’t need to pay again. How to get rid of knot in my stomach. What do I say to him on day he will be going?
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It is my understanding that people with dementia never want to go into assisted living, especially without their spouse. My DH's doctor has repeatedly recommended assisted living with memory care for my husband who has mixed dementia. Sadly we can not afford it. If/when I have to do that I will get him there any way I can and visit daily. With my parents it took them six to eight weeks in assisted living to accept it. I felt horrible leaving them there.
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My mom had vascular dementia, and a stroke, and lived in assisted living until the end. Her dementia was more advanced than my partner's is now, and my partner is in the moderate stage of Alzheimers. The staff of her AL was perfectly fine with her staying where she was; they had memory care on the same campus but didn't recommend a move. I can't speak for any other facilities but perhaps the critical pieces are the type of dementia, the other preexisting conditions, and the amount and type of care the person needs with ADL's. And probably the success of medication management. There's a very broad definition of assisted living.
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If his doctor won’t come right out and tell him he needs Al, maybe you could tell him the doctors office called and after reviewing everything they have said he should go to Al. Moms Al had a doctor on staff so she never saw her previous pcp again. Anything to take the heat off you! I agree with the others that trying to convince him is probably not going to work. My mil did agree, but I think we were extremely lucky and she was an exception to the rule. You know him best. Try if you think there is a chance, but cut your losses and give up if it doesn’t work. Know that he may have anger and resentment towards you if you try. Blaming it on the doctor means you can sympathize with him about how awful that doctor is and stay on his good side.
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Your answer was detailed and great. Well said and very helpful.
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I doubt the doctor saying anything to him will make any difference. I placed DW when she couldn't find the bathroom in her own house and couldn't walk unaided without frequent falls, but all she understood was that she missed me and wanted to go home with me. After placement I did tell her I needed help to take care of her and she had to stay there until she was well enough to come home. I felt like a liar for omitting the fact that she was never going to be well again, but that was my job to do so I did it.
I was able to reassure her that she had done nothing wrong and wasn't being punished, when she brought it up.
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Best not to tell him anything. The nurse and Social Worker at the MC facility helped me plan how to best drop him off. They said tell him we were going to lunch. My daughter went with us. After we sat at the table my daughter excused herself and then I did the same. They recommended we just quietly leave and not say goodbye. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was the most compassionate. After we left, the nurse explained to him that he had to stay there for a few weeks because I had to go in the hospital. (Partly true). They fed him lunch and got him involved with an activity right away. I dropped his things off that evening but I did not go in. The nurse said don’t visit for 2 weeks so he could settle in. After a few days they gave him a phone to call me. He settled in quickly. When I visited the first time he was glad to see me and not angry. I visited at mealtime and when I left I did not say goodbye. I just quietly slipped out and told the nurse I was leaving. She distracted him with ice cream. I know how you feel. 💜
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I pray that day never comes for me. I can categorically say that I will never be able to drop off my DM and leave. 💔💔💔
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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