Being accused of any and everything

Kyliesuwill

I am caring for my grandmother. I was wondering if anyone has any tips for a specific and main hardship I'm having. She accuses me of being "the biggest liar she has ever met" about everything. She will ask me a seemingly easy question for example, she will be holding a peice of mail and ask me where it came from. So I tell her she got that in the mail yesterday. Her very next statement is "stop lying" this is all day everyday. Does anyone else care for someone who accuses them of lying non-stop? I have showed her camera footage to corroborate what I tell her and her response is that "you could have just put that on there" like I doctored the footage.

This is especially difficult because I didn't grow up with her and haven't ever been very close. She has ALWAYS been stubborn and independent even before this disease it has just amplified. Thank you for any tips. When I try to redirect she says "don't change the subject " "you think I'm so stupid" "you think you are so clever" 😔

Kyliesuwill

Sorry she has Lewy Body dementia. Level 5

ARIL

Yes, this is something I experienced for quite a while with my stepparent. Being screamed at—“You’re a LIAR!”—was very hard to take, over and over.

The behavior is not an uncommon symptom of the disease, and using logic (showing camera footage, etc.) is not going to work. Her brain can no longer process logical arguments as it once did.

There are resources that give advice about how to respond. You can search the internet for “person with dementia accuses caregiver of lying,” and you will find articles and YouTube videos. This article gives examples of some responses:

https://yourdementiatherapist.com/alzheimers-dementia/how-do-you-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/

You may also find it helpful to talk with her doctor. Sometimes medication can help reduce anxiety and hence the delusions and confabulations.

It is exhausting, I know, to bear the brunt of this. Hang in there. People here do understand how it feels for you.

Kyliesuwill

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/255763#Comment_255763

This was beyond helpful it brought me to tears. Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart thank you.

ARIL

Ah, you are welcome. That is very encouraging. We can’t cure this awful disease, but we can help each other. Take care.,

SDianeL

her behavior is very common in dementia. It’s not her talking it’s the disease. 2 things I learned here are: Never argue with someone with dementia and You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Repeat that through the day to yourself. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. Talk to her doctor about anti anxiety medication. Come back often for support. Hugs. 💜

sandwichone123

One thing that helps me with repeated accusations is to redefine the statement in my mind, so every time I hear "you're lying," I can think, "she's afraid," or some similar reframing. By redefining the meaning of the words they can become less hurtful (the hurt never disappears, because the words still mean what they really mean, but for me it helps).

Arrowhead

No matter what their false believe is, it’s best not to argue. Instead, play along with their delusion. When she accuses you of lying, do not try to defend yourself. Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,” or “Yes Ma’am, I‘m sorry.” It might take the fight out of her.

harshedbuzz

The bigger question here is why you have been charged with the care of a grandmother who wasn't active in your life growing up?

Normally a spouse or adult child is primary caregiver in this sort of situation so that younger people can work on establishing careers and build relationships/families. It might be best, if your grandmother went into a care facility so that you can build your future.

HB

Chance Rider

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/255763#Comment_255763

@ARIL thank you for sharing the article about dealing with accusations. My husband was just recently diagnosed with ALZ, late stage 4, and consequently I’m new to dealing with the behaviors. It’s an area where I’ll really need to work to fine tune my own behaviors.
~Eve

dancsfo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/255861#Comment_255861

I agree, and you to live in "their world", not yours, even if it's very frustrating to do that.

Kyliesuwill

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/255928#Comment_255928

Im 35 no kids yet and not married yet. and had just moved back to my home state. I came to visit her before settling back home and I saw how bad it is. The truth is, she isn't close to any family or friends. she has led a very solitary life. Much of this is because she has always been extremely judgmental and frankly mean (before dementia). There are 5 of us grandchildren (she only had one child my dad who passed in 2011). I am the only one she would allow to stay with her. My siblings are great and they would help more if they could the relationships just are not there. We have talked about her going to a full time care facility we just want to respect her wishes for as long as possible. I feel an extreme amount of guilt to myself for putting my life on hold again, but there really is no one else.

thank you,

towhee

You might browse the YouTube channel "Dementia Careblazers" for helpful behavior hints. Lewy Body dementia is unfortunately more likely to have behavior issues. Medication might be necessary but you need to start with the lowest dosage. Aricept can be helpful. I am glad you have siblings to help and that you seem to be on the same page. Does anyone have Power of Attorney for her?

harshedbuzz

@Kyliesuwill said:

Im 35 no kids yet and not married yet. and had just moved back to my home state.

LBD has a life expectancy of 5-8 years from diagnosis on average. It could be longer. Even if your grandmother had been a warm, supportive and lovely woman, this is a big ask. You need to consider how this decision will impact you down the line in terms of your own relationships, career and preparing for your future retirement.

I came to visit her before settling back home and I saw how bad it is.

It'll get worse as the disease progresses. Her needs will increase as she needs assistance with hygiene and toileting/incontinence care. Do you have a line-in-the-sand for placement, or do you plan to be her caregiver until she dies?

The truth is, she isn't close to any family or friends. she has led a very solitary life. Much of this is because she has always been extremely judgmental and frankly mean (before dementia). There are 5 of us grandchildren (she only had one child my dad who passed in 2011). I am the only one she would allow to stay with her. My siblings are great and they would help more if they could the relationships just are not there. We have talked about her going to a full time care facility

I would vote for the bolded. If she won't accept care from anyone but you, this is not equitable or sustainable. Siblings should be able to provide regular breaks for a primary caregiver I feel an extreme amount of guilt to myself for putting my life on hold again, but there really is no one else.

You mentioned becoming her paid caregiver through a program of some kind. Would that be a Medicaid program? If so, it might be simpler to get her qualified for Institutional Medicaid and get her placed now

we just want to respect her wishes for as long as possible.

That's the problem. Your grandmother made a wish instead of a plan. If your grandmother wanted to age-in-place, she should have purchased a robust LTC policy that would have made that possible. There should be no guilt over someone else's poor planning.

Don't think of it as you, and your siblings, "putting her in a home" but rather the dementia manifesting that outcome.

 I feel an extreme amount of guilt to myself for putting my life on hold again, but there really is no one else.

Listen to your gut. If this feels wrong for you, it probably is.

There's an old line in those airplane safety videos about putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. It applies here as well.

HB

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74320/being-accused-of-any-and-everything

Your Grandmother is suffering from a terminal illness and accusing you of lying is a symptom. Consider asking her doctor about drugs for anxiety.