Tips for getting LO to listen to my advice

Flowers456

My DH with EO is starting to do things that are potentially destructive.

Beginning a couple months ago, my LO began getting concerned with the car oil level and has been checking and adding oil. Yesterday, my LO added oil to the car. And the car leaked a lot of oil and smelled like something was burning. My LO got it checked out and told me there was a loose bolt and that my LO had also added 1/4 quart too much that morning. However, I read the car repair statement, and it said it was 4 quarts too much, so they took out 4 quarts of oil which was causing the leak.

My LO is the type of person who will not listen to me if I ask to please not add oil to the car.

In similar situations, I've removed problems or avoided conversations. But I'm not sure what I can do with this one—or a situation with a different health issue my LO is experiencing but refuses to go to the doctor about.

For those of you who have LOs who have never listened to your advice: what phrases or approaches are working now?

Thank you so much.

jgreen

Hi, Flowers.

I have to keep a sharp eye on my DH too. He’s always been the handyman around the house and has LOTS of tools that are dangerous. The other day he kept looking for a saw to cut up a sizable limb that fell in our back yard. I called a neighbor who has a small chainsaw, but that didn’t stop hubby from first finding a circular saw and then a skill saw to try to do it himself! Luckily I caught him looking for an extension cord before anything bad happened! I had to literally take the saws away, lead him into the house to distract him, and then hide the darn saws!

As one of our knowledgeable posters has written in other comments your DH’s “reasoner is broken”. He won’t be able to understand your advice about the oil levels; or anything you try to explain. Best thing you can do is step into his reality and see if you can figure out what has his attention. You might try something like ‘Let’s check the oil level together and you can show me what has you worried’. If he takes you up on your offer you are then going to have to come up with a response if what he sees is not correct - like the oil level is okay. Then maybe you can offer to take the car to your mechanic for a second opinion, or something along those lines. We have to become detectives in our caregiver role. And we have to find ways to ‘hide’ or secure tools, knives, guns, chemicals, meds, etc. as needed.

Best to you and DH.

harshedbuzz

@Flowers456 said:

For those of you who have LOs who have never listened to your advice: what phrases or approaches are working now?

The path of destruction is just one more financial casualty of this disease.

You can't reason with your DH because he no longer has the cognition for that level or thinking or recollection. The best you can do if he's become fixated on car maintenance, is to remove the car as a visual trigger. Can you park it on the next street or keep it in the locked garage. If he asks, you could say it's in the shop for a safety recall. "they're waiting for a part" Rinse and repeat.

Since he's demonstrated a tendency to tinker, it would be wise to secure other areas in which he could do damage. I'd lock the garage, basement, mechanicals room and any sheds you have to limit his access to things he could damage or that could harm him.

Hb

H1235

I agree that locking the shed or garage with dangerous tools would be a good idea. I can imagine that probably would not go over well with him. Maybe try to think of some kind of excuse in advance. Don’t want the grandkids/neighbor kids getting in there, I need to have another key made for you (not), just haven’t had the time. I’m not sure where my key is. Is there something simple you could think of to ask him to fix that would keep him occupied. Something little that may need replacing anyway. The door knob on the closet or an old tv remote. I’m thinking something he can sit at the kitchen table with a screwdriver and mess with. If he says he is going to fix something on the car, maybe say, oh I just had that fixed at the shop the other day. He may be mad at you, but at least you won’t be having major car repairs. Follow that up with a distraction. I doubt trying to convince him he can’t do something or is not capable will be successful. As far as the health issue, maybe try to get him there by telling him it’s for some other reason or even just a regular checkup. Then call the office and explain the situation. I hope you find a solution.

SDianeL

What HB said. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. You can only control the environment. His safety is the most important thing. Him not damaging the car, appliances, electrical, plumbing etc is another. There are nightmare stories about PWDs doing things like that. Remove the triggers. Park the car somewhere else. Lock up all tools. Watch him 24/7. Think of him as a toddler. Would you allow a 3 year old to change the oil in your car? Find things to keep him busy that make him feel useful that won’t harm anything.

Victoriaredux

Food can be tampered with also-sprinkles of Parm cheese? Turns out was cleaning powder.

Precious items can be moved, ruined or tossed. You need to play defense 24/7.

It is very tiring.

trottingalong

I take care of the car maintenance now. I removed the oil from the shelf, I have also removed or hidden other items he goes looking for. I do “help” him look for something and I always let him know I don’t touch his tools so maybe he misplaced them. Still, things have disappeared. His attention span is fairly short so that sure helps.

CindyBum

He won’t listen to your advice. That’s the truth you “get” to move forward with, I’m afraid.

I have a good friend whose husband’s progressions is about 2 years behind my DWs. We joke now and again about how all the same behaviors that have long bothered us about our spouses…they’re still there! And now we have to accept that we could never have changed them and we certainly aren’t going to change them now that they have dementia!

The others are right. I spend much of my day getting ahead of my now toddler wife…to try and save myself work later.