in a dilemna re ALZ/divorce...any lawyers or people having had this experience?

lookingforadvice

My wife and I amicably separated at 65 years with no intention or desire to reconcile. It should have no bearing but to avoid judgement from y'all I will share that I tried FOR YEARS everything I could to address the lack of intimacy (emotional, physical - not talking just sex) and SHE refused and gave me an ultimatum: take it or leave it. So I left, I am too young to live without love. I have had a wonderful girl friend for 3 years whom I wish to share the rest of my life with. Regrettably, (was going to get to it eventually…), I did not start divorce proceedings and now my wife has Alzheimer's. She has met my girlfriend, they get along fine, and says she wants me to be happy. I don't feel right about still being married and having a gf (not fair to either of them) and admit to succumbing to procrastination regarding divorce. My gf never pressured me although I know she wasn't happy with it (what woman would be) and had faith that I would eventually tackle that project. I am retired and altho we have some home care to spend time with my wife, I go there almost everyday to check on her, as well as take her to dr appts etc since she can no longer drive. GF is extremely supportive always offering suggestions and listening to my latest challenges. She knows all that is going on and stands by me. She's the one that told me that of course I would be doing exactly what I am doing now even if I had divorced, bc I am a good person and my wife has no family. GF also offers to help. I was looking forward to starting my life of retirement with this wonderful woman and now I feel trapped. You are probably wondering why we just don't carry on as is: my GF is Canadian and cannot come to live with me permanently unless we marry. These are our golden years and I'd like us to be together every day….currently she goes back and forth and careful not to exceed the 6 month limit.

I understand the words "till death do you part" but that applies to a marriage and what my wife and I had was no longer that - we no longer did anything together - not eating, talking, NOTHING. Like 2 foreign students sharing a home. We both agreed the marriage was over. So please don't give me that 'until death' argument. Our separation happened long before ALZ presented itself. I'm hoping someone out there knows the process for divorce at this point…or has some experience

Wife's short term memory is pretty bad but she definitely understands concepts, situations when i speak with her. Can we still get divorced? I feel like I'm running out of time. I am currently her POA. We have 2 adult children. Thank you for any helpful advice.

Chris20cm

I think it would be worthwhile to consult an Elder Law attorney. NAELA website can give you names of local attorneys that specialize in this kind of challenging situation.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome.

I addressed this situation back in February when your GF posted under this username.

We explored this for my mom not long after he was diagnosed with mixed dementia. She'd been considering divorce for almost a decade because the relationship wasn't working, in part because of his alcohol use and what were early dementia personality changes.

It is possible to divorce when one of the parties has dementia, but you'll want to discuss this with an attorney in your state to understand how it works in your state and specific to your marriage.

Some points from our discussion with a CELA in PA:

The divorce would be more expensive as your DW would need an attorney as well as guardian ad litem to look after his interests. If the judge ordered her to sit a neuropsych evaluation, that may not be covered and be an out-of-pocket expense.

Assets would have been split 50/50 and mom might have been required to pay some alimony to help cover his Medicare Part D and Medigap coverage.

She would no longer have a say in his care. If your wife was deemed competent to name a new POA, she could choose one of her children, a sibling or friend. If the judge found her incompetent, a guardian would be assigned to her.

HB

dayn2nite2

What a dilemma. Definitely going to cost a LOT of money to legally extricate yourself, you will not continue to make care decisions for your current-wife once divorced, as you will not longer be deemed to be someone who would look out for her.

She would need her own attorney and probable representative (this would of course come out of the combined marital funds) to make sure she is represented and the most favorable and fair settlement is given to her, as she is a vulnerable person.

SDianeL

Ditto what others have said about talking to an attorney. Plus one more thing to consider. Since after a divorce you would no longer be her caregiver, and she needs 24-7 care, unless she qualifies for Medicaid you may be responsible for her long term care which is very expensive. Be sure to ask the attorney that question.

Michele P

Your wife would also qualify for alimony. I agree with others that part of a divorce agreement might make you responsible for the cost of her care. You definitely need to speak to an attorney. In some states, you can’t get a divorce from someone with diminished capacity.

jfkoc

I agree…be certain you know all of the particulars…get the best legal advice possible.

mrahope

I actually explored the possibility of divorce after my DH went to MC and we discovered all of his dirty dealings. I went to an attorney and was told basically that because of his dementia, DH would need to have a guardian appointed and would likely have been able to get alimony from me as all the financial assets are in my name. It might have been emotionally satisfying to divorce him, but it wouldn't change the day-to-day reality.

Your situation is different, and depending on your finances it may be worthwhile to pursue it.