Venting: I'm married to a teenager

Flowers456

My husband had been having colon issues for a couple weeks. He finally called his doctor, and they said to go to the ER.

I took him to the ER, and I realized he can't manage his own health anymore. He went back for testing and samples while I waited in the lobby. He came back, and we were to wait for the results—thankfully I heard a nurse tell him that. He asked me three different times why we were waiting.

When we got the results, the doctor told him to not eat for two days. When we got home, I left his instructions out and wrote an additional note about not eating.

That night, he began eating. I asked if he remembered that he was not supposed to eat and was choosing to eat anyway, or if he didn't remember.

He said "I'm hungry!" with a tone that typically comes from a teenager. And I realized "Oh, crap. I'm now married to a teenage boy."

Maru

If your DH has dementia, his brain isn't working right. Depending on what kind of dementia and what stage, you can expect memory loss, executive functioning (think of that as the ability to make logical and reasonable decisions and other things). And, yes, reverting to child-like behavior.

I am not going to tell you how to deal with your DH, I will only tell you how I deal with mine. When my DH was diagnosed, and he had already had a huge brain slip-up that almost cost us $30,000, I took charge of not only the finances but everything. I live every day with the assumption that he is incapable of taking care of himself. I go into the doctors' offices with him, take notes, physically see to it that dr. orders are followed, make sure that he eats 3 meals a day, take responsibilty for everything that has to do with the house, yard, and so on. I consider myself blest that he is still continent and still, for the most part, has a gentle and loving nature, knowing that those things can change in a heartbeat.

You may or may not be able to get you DH to fast. Tell you doctor about your DH's mental diagnosis. The doctor may be able too come up with an alternative solution to fasting.

Quilting brings calm

You can no longer let him ‘go back for testing and samples’ by himself. He’s not capable of handling any part of a medical situation without guidance and input from you. Since you weren’t in the room, you have no idea what he actually told the doctor or technician.
This is true for every aspect and interaction in his life from now on.

SDianeL

Yes we understand. His reasoner is broken. His memory is gone. He can no longer go to appointments alone. Your relationship changes from spouse to caregiver. He is now your patient. if you haven’t done so please read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Familiarize yourself with the 7 stages of dementia. Google the chart that shows behaviors in each stage so you will know what to expect. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. As the disease progresses his “age” will revert to that of a toddler. Start toddler proofing your home now.

Michele P

When my husband was diagnosed with MCI and later Alzheimer’s, I was told to attend all medical appointments with my husband and take notes of the appointment. I quickly discovered that my husband’s version of reality and mine were two different things. I do not allow medical staff to take my husband anywhere without me. Make sure medical staff are aware of your loved one’s diagnosis and that you were told to be with your loved one during the entire appointment.

harshedbuzz

@Flowers456

I'm sorry. The others are correct that your role as a wife has morphed into being the adult in the room and that takes adjustment for both of you. While dementia robs a person of memory, empathy, executive function, and reasoning fairly early on, emotional intelligence remains well into the disease.

You reacted to his transgression as an exasperated mother would. He internalized that and responded in kind. It's hard. My mom got a lot of "you're not the boss of me" pushback from dad in the middle stages of the disease to his own detriment. Not for nothing does the DBAT include age equivalencies.

HB

DBAT (7).pdf

H1235

My mom actually told me “I can do whatever I want and you can’t stop me. You’re not my boss.” Unlike a teenager who will eventually become more responsible (we hope), a pwd will become even more dependent. You never know what skill is going to be lost next, leaving you to monitor everything. You should never ask a person with dementia if they remember… (although it is so hard to get out of the habit). Reminding a pwd that they have forgotten something usually doesn’t go well. They tend to get angry or defensive. We are all learning as we go.

PattiRN2

The losses and changes come out of nowhere and yes, they always surprise me. And you would think I know better by now. Many times I thought my DH was being stubborn, not caring about my feelings or just lazy. Because sometimes he could do them. So, why wasn’t he doing it like before? But now, the disease has progressed to a point I realize he simply can’t do things himself, doesn’t understand what is being said or the circumstances he is facing. It’s a sickening feeling when that realization hits you and it hits you over and over. You slowly take over their life. It’s not what you want or what they want. What we want is for things to go back to the old way. Have our life again.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74370/venting-im-married-to-a-teenager

This is what dementia is like. Instructions are forgotten. No he can not manage his own health. One of my first lessons in being a caregiver was when my DH saw the prescription bottle with his name on it and over the course of a day took all of the pills. In this case there was little harm but that was the last time I left his prescriptions where he could see them. I give him his medications and I keep them in a low cupboard where he won't find them.