DH's reaction to memory book for my kids

shiawase12

M6 DH was diagnosed a year ago with Alz, he's 72. I noticed symptoms years before the diagnosis. I'd say he's mid stage, still pretty capable.

With that said ...

I had been working on a memory book for my children (from a previou marriages) for several years. Now that I'm retired I was finally able to finish it. It's via Storyworth and is all about my memories and experiences growing up and of the kids. I actually made a point of not talking about my previous two husbands (the kids fathers) or of my current husband. This is a book of my growing up years and of some of my memories with the kids.

I was excited to order one for myself so I could do one final review before ordering one for each of them as their Christmas gift. When it arrived I was excited to read it, but before I could DH asked if he could look at it and without even thinking I said sure.

He took the time to go thru it carefully, but I could tell towards the end he was upset. He put the book down and walked out of the room. After a day of his silence and not getting any answers he finally opened up to me that night.

He was shocked that he was not mentioned in the book. He told me that after 20 years of marriage he felt I should have mentioned something about him etc. He was so upset. It took an hour of talking to try and explain to him what this book was. He finally calmed down and we haven't talked about it since.

I'm not sure he even remembers it, but I'm now afraid to bring it out while he's around so I can edit it as I had wanted to. My guilt is also getting to me and now I feel like I should include something about him ... my excitement and feeling accomplished about it have been crushed.

Sorry this was so long, just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks.

jgreen

Hi, Shiawase, Your memory book sounds lovely. It is YOURS and about you. What a great diversion for you during these difficult times!

From my own personal experience with this disease is that my DH can only think about himself. It is not mean spirited, just the way his brain works these days. And his feelings do get hurt when I have to say ‘no’ or something contrary to his wants. I feel bad/guilty, and have to keep reminding myself that I am the adult in the room and am doing these things to keep him safe and secure.

So do find times when your DH is asleep or otherwise occupied and edit your memory book. Do it for your kids and for YOU! Just know it is best not to share with DH because he is no longer able to share these special moments with you.

One thing I did for my DH’s upcoming birthday is purchase a digital photo book. I have been collecting photos of him growing up as a child, young man, and recent pics to upload on the book. The photo book will scroll through the pictures so he can stop and look at them any time he wants. It will be all about HIM.

Something like this might please your DH. I found one on Amazon, and they run anywhere from $50 and up, depending on features. Here is a quick link https://www.amazon.com/s?k=digital+photo+frame&crid=1AHV43FNQ3834&sprefix=Digital+photo%2Caps%2C336&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_ci_hl-bn-left_2_13 Luckily I have a tech savvy son who can help get the book/frame set up.

God bless you and your family. You are one terrific caregiver!

annie51

Good advice from @jgreen - life is definitely all about them when they have dementia. But that doesn’t mean you should feel bad about not including him if that was not your intention for the book. Edit it when he’s asleep or otherwise occupied and don’t share it. You can always make another book focused on your lives together and share that with him.

White Crane

I can understand your feelings and disappointment. I hope this doesn't keep you from editing and enjoying your memory book. Your children will probably be thrilled! I'm happy for you that you got it finished.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/256406#Comment_256406

A photo book of your husband growing up years is a fantastic idea! I am going to do that for my husband. I know he would love it,