The Weight of Waiting

PattiRN2

There’s a lot of weight on my shoulders. My DH is stage 6 of Alzheimers and I find myself weighed down, emotionally stuck in the waiting room of his life, our life, my life. Time is timeless. Its a surreal world of melting clocks and drooping watches and living in a dream-like nightmare that did come true.

The weightlessness of this free fall isn’t freeing at all. No ground beneath my feet, no railing to grab on to just the wind whistling past my ears and my eyes catching a glimpse of a man I used to know. I weigh my options, my strengths, my patience and contemplate, am I enough to tip the scale and survive the long mercurial nights, the monotonous days; the ache of the ache of loosing him.

Friends and family visit our waiting room and go home, back to the real world. I get away too, head to the cafe, shopping, dinner with friends, but the weight of the waiting room never leaves me. And sometimes I think I can’t wait for the wait to be over…but wait! When I leave the waiting room, when he leaves the waiting room, I’ll be alone.

Will the weight on my shoulders then lift? I’ll wait to see. But this much I know. He will be waiting for me—on the other side. He told me so, but I plan on making him wait.

Jgirl57

Beautifully written and it captures so much of what we are feeling. (((Hugs))) to you for writing this and sharing .

PattiRN2

thank you so much

Bailey's Mom

Enjoyed reading this very much…you are an excellent writer…especially liked the nod to Salvador Dali. Thanks for sharing…

White Crane

beautifully written and so real it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs.

trottingalong

Beautiful. I loved your writing style. So much of what you wrote is how I feel.

Milo4455

Beautiful

midge333

Thank you!

Arrowhead

That was a very good analogy of what we all share. I have likened it to seeing my wife fall from an airplane without a parachute and watching hopelessly as she plummets to the ground; except that the fall is taking many years to end. When she does hit the ground, the anxiety will end, but the sorrow will continue.

3'sacharm

Beautiful… so poignant.

Vitruvius

I love the "I plan on making him wait" part. Many here, maybe particularly those whose spouses are EO, hope that there will still be life for us after our LO's misery ends. A hope that watching our LO suffer on their journey hasn't brought us to ruin as well.

Palmetto Peg

This exactly describes how I feel! I want this to be over - but wait! That means my DH will be gone! I guess I don't want this to be over - but wait! I don't think I can do another day! What a dilemma we have - how to let our loved one be lost to this terrible disease, without losing ourselves in the process. I come here for help and support, and that may be the best any of us can do. Hugs to all my fellow travelers.

Metta

Beautiful!

I often imagine the two of us housebound as characters in Buñuel’s classic surreal film from 1962: “The Exterminating Angel.”

RetiredTeacher

Ty for so beautifully expressing how we feel.

blacksparky

I sit here all day with my DW with EO and ponder the same thing as all of you. She has recently been diagnosed with PBA and cry’s for no reason all day. Every night I pray to God that she can go home sooner than later but then pray for me to be able to handle the emptiness and my ability to move on. ❤️