Please remind me I’m not a terrible adult daughter

Anonymousjpl123

The past two weeks, after some really bad situations at work, I made some big changes.

1. I stopped visiting during the week
2. I began a new (very low dose) antidepressant medication to get me through this and back on track so I don’t lose my job.

The good news is the meds and no interruptions worked great - I am, basically, back on track. The bad news is my mom is on hospice and I feel guilty as hell. Last week, I only visited once but we had a fantastic visit (even took a short drive, no stops!) and she is doing great they have all kinds of stuff including reiki, massage, lavender treatment. She likes the other residents and staff.

This week I’ll visit Saturday and Sunday. How the heck do we balance self care and care care? This past weekend I updated one of her friends who’s said “So she is ok in the home? I’m sure she misses you.”

Good grief. I know where it comes from but it’s still so hard.
🧘

Edited to add: she’s got literally all stage 6 symptoms but not stage 7. Her neurologist called about some new Medicare program but she no longer qualifies because she’s on hospice (I get all the services and more) and that discussion is what set off the guilt.

psg712

You are NOT a bad daughter!! You are doing what you need to do for balance in your life. How will it benefit your mom for you to lose your job? Or have a mental health crisis?

You have done all that you can through your mom's long journey to find the best place and care for her. I definitely relate to the guilt of not being there on a daily basis, but we are human and have human limitations. The friend who said "I'm sure she misses you" has no clue how that feels to you, and may be projecting how she imagines she would feel if she were where your mom is ... don't go down that rabbit hole. There is no end and no value to it.

You are doing your best. You love and honor your mom. Enjoy the good moments together and give yourself room to be human.

sandwichone123

You know, when we get to be adults we don't usually visit our parents every week, let alone every day. You have done the work to get her in a safe place, an appropriate environment with people around her. You do not need to be visiting every day. If she's in stage 6 you need to be planning for the long haul—visit on a schedule that is sustainable. The fact that she's on hospice doesn't mean she's at death's door.

Anonymousjpl123

@psg712 that’s exactly what my thinking was. I was just needing to hear exactly this. You rock! Thank you. Hope you’re holding up through this as well.

@sandwichone123 on the money. I know this - in my heart - is true. The guilt is deep though. But I know this may go on for years.

I saw her tonight, and will go tomorrow and Sunday. I think what’s hard is that she’s definitely declining - BUT again, nowhere near stage 7 to my eye. And she IS doing ok. really ok - like I walked in and she was in her room folding clothes after a birthday dinner.

I have friends. I have work. I have a life. And I don’t want to give it all up. I can’t. We weren’t close like that - where she could move in with me. It would be a disaster. and I can’t go every day.

Her friend meant well. I just couldn't deal. I love this community. It is so good to not go through this alone.

Quilting brings calm

You are a good daughter. My parents were in an AL for a total of 5 years. I eventually established a once a week visit unless something caused me to be there more ( doctor visit, etc). When we put mom on hospice, I still went on a planned quilt retreat … because like your mom, it was for extra help, she wasn’t expected to die. You will know when you need to step up the frequency of your visits. Hospice will tell you.
This is a marathon not a sprint. Don’t let this disease take your health ( mental, physical, emotional)- it’s bad enough that it’s done so to your mom.

Anonymousjpl123

@Quilting brings calm it is so so true. Part of it is that even when I visit 3 times over the weekend (Friday sat Sunday) our visits are so different.

Like you said, I think the hospice is for the extra help.

She’s always so happy to see me but then it’s mostly her getting up and walking away from me, sittingnext to me, getting annoyed at me, more walking around. I have landed on twice a week Saturday and Sunday and that enough. No more Friday nights (I only went this week out of guilt).

I’m glad you told me about the quilt retreat. We need these things! My friends are coming next weekend and I’ll miss the visit and she will be fine! The hilarious thing is she’s really not that nice to me!