My mother won't see a doctor and she is not okay

Dana Beth

My mom has always been incredibly independent and strong. She is 82 now and the last couple years she has steadily declined and has every last symptom of dementia or Alzheimer's. I live 4 hours away and my sister is close to her and keeps me updated ( I'm in the process of trying to move closer). Mom refuses to see a doctor and she has been declining mentally for awhile. Fights start over nothing, her memory is getting worse and I would like to know how to help her. My sister is trying to get through to her to Please see a doctor but my independent mother refuses. I know it's hard on her because she's losing her ability to care for herself. She has my step dad but I don't think he realizes the changes as much as we do. My mom and sister are fighting because my sister lost it and she's only human. Basically I just wanted some advice from anyone about what we should or shouldn't do. Even a invite to a good online support group? My mom has always been there for me and I want to do the same for her. I'm finding it difficult to keep my cool when she has dementia symptoms and I need help to be the best I can for my mom

H1235

Welcome. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. There is NOTHING you or your sister can say to her that will convince her she has a problem. This is way beyond her just being stubborn. To be blunt her brain is broken. Trying to reason with a person with dementia is just not going to work. This will actually anger and tun the person with dementia against you ( I know from experience unfortunately). So the big question- what do you do? There are a few things that might work depending on the situation. The first is to lie. It’s called a therapeutic fib. Tell her the doctor wants to see her to check her blood pressure or blood sugar or whatever you can think of that she might buy into. Some have suggested telling a loved one their insurance company requires she see the doctor or her insurance will be canceled. Don’t tell her you made the appointment, tell her the doctor called while you (or your sister were visiting) and wants her to come in. Bring a letter to the doctor before the appointment explaining all the symptoms you are seeing. Sit a bit behind her at the appointment so you can shake your head to confirm or deny what Stephen is telling the doctor. Obviously you want to rule out anything treatable, but unfortunately there is not much that can be done other than treat the symptoms. She may benefit from anxiety medication. Another option with the little things is to just let it go. If she says Elvis is alive, then he is alive. Just no point trying to explain, she will never accept she is wrong and it really doesn’t matter. Another approach is to distract. If she becomes obsessed with feeding the dog a second time, turn on her favorite tv show or offer her ice cream. Another possibility is to do things that need to be done without telling her or consulting her. This may need to be followed up with an apology and some groveling if she finds out. All these things are hard to do. I know I have such a hard time trying not to convince her, knowing what approach to take and of course most have been taught that lying is wrong. It’s hard! A durable power of attorney is very important. If she hasn’t appointed one yet I would make it a priority. I would not tell her it has anything to do with her symptoms or your dementia suspicions. Pose it as something that just should be done now that she is getting older. This board doesn’t get as much traffic as the caring for a parent board. You may get more resources there. I hope there is something here that will help.

grvh

I’m going through the same situation with my very independent 83 year old mother. I don’t have many answers but I’m open to commiserating with you. I feel so overwhelmed and alone.

SDianeL

welcome. So sorry about your Mom. Some things that will help you and your sister: read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Teepa Snow or Tam Cummings. They really help. 2 things I learned here: 1) you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken and 2) never argue with someone with dementia. Get in their world. Fib if you must, redirect or distract. Remember it’s the dementia talking not your Mom. It helped me to look at my spouse as my patient with a disease and me his nurse. Sadly your relationship is no longer Mom and daughters. This disease robs us of so much. 💜