Becoming mean

sarahjanefellmanboss

My mom is 90, currently in independent living apartment. She picked the facility 10 years ago so she could access transitional help as she aged. I believe she is in the latter part of early stage dementia. The last year she bas become very argumentative with everyone … fired one cleaning service and “hates” the new one. The food service is “disgusting” …. The social worker called me concerned because now mom is sending nasty notes. She had seen a counselor late last year but says she doesn’t need that now. Saw doctor last week after I called him with concern with growing anger and unhappiness with everything. He prescribed new meds but she won’t take them. It’s been cycles of crisis (sobbing) and then ignoring it happened. I am frustrated because trying to calmly discuss things, she brushes it off and the we move on to the next “incident” or issue. Vicious circle that I cannot find a way out of. She refuses outside help.

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry about the reason you are here. Your Mom has Anosognosia which is a condition in which a person with a disability is cognitively unaware of having it. As I learned here, you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Many PWDs refuse outside help. Try a fib that she may accept. Like the person needs a job or is working their way through school or needs credits. Talk to the pharmacist to see if her meds can be crushed and put in her food. Applesauce works great for that. Will the facility do that? It may be time to consider moving her to MC. They are better trained to care for PWDs. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me understand the disease.

H1235

Welcome. Anosognosia is the worst! At one point mom’s doctor prescribed medication for her anger, mom says “ I don’t have a #$@& anger problem and I’m not taking that @#&$ medication.” She had so many medications for other things that she didn’t even notice when we included it with her other pills. Could you tell her the new medication if for high blood pressure, or a vitamin ( make something up). Medication can take a while to really figure out. The type of medication the dose when she takes it, it takes time to figure out. But the right medication can make all the difference. I agree that it sounds like it’s time for more care. When a person with dementia is faced with something that is uncomfortable, hard for them or stressful they often lash out to blame those around them. Food may not taste the same anymore- so she blames the food service, she miss places things and blames the cleaning service, if she has problems using the phone she will tell you the phone needs to be replaced. I could go on and on. Here is how most try to deal with this. If it doesn’t matter just agree with her (yes Elvis is alive), distract or change the subject (offer a treat, a drive or turn on a favorite tv show), do what needs to be done be done without consulting her or even telling her and last use a therapeutic fib ( telling her the medication for anxiety is a vitamin). She will never admit she needs more care and will probably fight you on it, making things even more difficult and heartbreaking for you. Do you have DPOA? If not this is very important!

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/295/anosognosia

sarahjanefellmanboss

this is so helpful - it completely sounds like everything going on with Mom. Yes, we do have a DPOW and I am also her POA for health care and she checked yes for admittance to a nursing home facility for other than short term. The facility she is living in has memory care and AL. My brother and I will do more reading on this. It’s surprising her doctor (who we just had her see last week to assess), has not brought up this terminology with us…

Mom set good plans in place after Dad died… she just can’t see at this point that she needs the help and services.

sarahjanefellmanboss

Thank you! Very helpful and my brother and I will get more educated on it, to help us move forward better for Mom.

psg712

It is a great blessing, amidst all the frustration and heartache, when our PWDs have the necessary documents in place. It's up to us to put things in motion when the time comes, since they are unable to perceive their need for the help. But at one time in the past they set up the documents "just in case" and entrusted us to make the judgment when the time was right. Do what you need to do to keep her safe, with or without her cooperation. She will not agree, but she will benefit ... just as a child cannot understand or endorse everything a parent does for her.