Hubby in MC wants to come home. Help!

Katcat

I stayed away one week. Hubby happy to see me but crying. Wants to come home. Very difficult to redirect. I’ve been bringing cards games which helps but then he starts up he wants to go home. We are letting a doctor dictate where he can live. Anyway any suggestions how to handle this. Maybe there are meds for him to take the edge off?

SDianeL

Yes there are meds. Talk to the doctor asap. Tell the doctor he is depressed and anxious and wants to go home. Many PWDs say they want to go home even if they are living in the same home they have lived in for decades. For them, home is a feeling not a physical place. Them wanting to go home is caused by anxiety. I would visit at mealtime so he’s distracted. Keep visits to about a hour. Don’t say goodbye when you leave. Just quietly slip out. I would tell the nurse I was leaving and she would distract him with ice cream. Talk to the nurse and see how he is when you’re not there. It could be that you trigger him wanting to go home. I know it’s difficult to see him that way but remember why he’s there. He needs 24/7 care. You are not doing this to him, you’re doing it for him. Hugs. 💜

annie51

So sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to see them this way. The facility doctor should be able to adjust meds to help. You have some good advice from @SDianeL . I can only offer moral support and empathy and a virtual hug.

Dio

So sorry that you're going through this. Just remember why he's placed. No one at an mcf wants to be there. The first thing my DH said at my first visit was, "Are you here to take me home?" It crushed my heart. How could I leave him there when I wouldn't want to be there myself? The guilt still gnaws each day, but the alternative would have been worse. Hugs…hopefully, this will subside soon.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257680#Comment_257680

thx so much yup my hubby said same thing. I figured out leaving when they serve lunch is good because he doesn’t want me there while he’s eating so I can just leave without him crying. I do like the weight is off when I go out to run errands. Don’t have to worry about him. Can relax when I watch tv. However it’s tough thinking of him there. But he forgets. I know he’s in a good place. Hugs

kblau

one thing I learned to say with my mom is ‘’what do you miss about home?’ And let them say something and then let this open up into a distraction.

Another thing is i ask her ‘do you like it here? This room?’ And she’ll always say yes and then I say okay we don’t have Roy go anywhere.

Katcat

good idea but about the room won’t work. He doesn’t like his room. The place he is in is brand new building. Beautiful. But I will try asking what he misses at home see where it goes. Thx

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74518/hubby-in-mc-wants-to-come-home-help

Hi Katcat, I had and can still have the same problem with my DH and he has been in MC for a year. As others will tell you, home is a feeling of comfort, safety, familiarity. I always tell my DH that the doctor will tell us when he can come home, that he is there because I cannot take care of him with my physical limitations and he needs more care that I can give. I emphasize how much he is loved, missed and I will always be back, that he is in a good and safe place. If that doesn't work, I tell him that we will talk to the doctor. Of course, he doesn't remember so next time he asks, I repeat. Good luck. Placing my DH is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I would cry every time I left. One time, I was coming to the building and he was looking out the door for me. It is crushing. The caregivers tell me that he will walk around looking for me, asking if anyone saw his wife. I go every other day and am exhausted when I leave.

From my experience, it does get easier. You see how difficult it would be to manage your DH at home by yourself and you know you can't care for him properly. At some point, you will come to accepting this reality. I used to feel so guilty that I should be able to care for him to the end and that I was abandoning him. These are just emotions, not facts. Know that you need to take care of yourself, protect your health both mentally and physically. I know as it almost took me down. God bless and stay strong.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/258013#Comment_258013

thank you so much. I agree with all you said. He was home 4 years with the last 2 being the worse. I was ready to keel over. But being home without him and I mean the him before this Alzheimer’s took over. That’s who I miss. I just hope and pray he doesn’t suffer.