When is it time for more?

Pmmommie

So, when do you know it's time for MC or 24 hour nursing at home?

I'm dealing with my father who was previously diagnosed with VD and onsight ALZ with PTSD on top of all else. He's been in AL since February under the guise of home modifications for him to safely come home. Since he's been so happy in the facility, I've chosen to tell him the house isn't quite ready which, he's fine with.

I along with his daily aides, have noticed a greatly noticable progression. He's begun to yell at staff and become aggitated with different things they do either for him or "against" him. He could get upset over ot being thanked for helping clear dinner or feeding all the birds. He's been doing his floors laudry and he loves it. That has to stop because some laundry isn't getting back to the owners and ending up at his apt to the point that once a week myself and an aide go through his closet while he's away and sort. He been saying he's going to bolt from the place if now management doesn't straighten things out. To appise him, I've been looking for a new facility with a better MC unit in preparation. He loves the sound of that.

His short term memory is gone. He's placing food in a variety of places not going in the proper space. He refuses to throw anything away. The containers are either saved in a cabinet or 2 or their "recycled" by one of us. He refuses to throw food away so, again we have to go through his fridge once a week and throw it away and then carry the bag to the kitchen trash.

I see the signs and I know he should go to MC. I just don't want to take what little he has left of his happness or life worth. So, how do you know when it's time? How do you not feel like caca for making the choice?

Thanks for letting the vent fly.

Tired LO who misses her Daddy

psg712

If you think it may be time, it is probably past time. Yes, it feels bad. It's an acknowledgement of the inevitable progression of his dementia, and it hurts to face it. But you are doing the responsible and loving thing to keep him safe.

Many families are surprised to find that after the initial adjustment, their PWD actually seems more content in MC. It provides a more controlled and less overwhelming environment. They don't have so many decisions to make, and they have more support for daily challenges. And they can still have activity that is meaningful to them. One man at my mom's MC gets up after meals and sweeps the floor in the dining area. Mom sometimes takes care of putting the "babies" to bed. These things make them feel important. You and the staff can find the role that is right for your dad.

You are doing the right thing, the courageous thing even as you grieve the slow loss of the father you love. Hang in there.

ARIL

Agree that the time is now.

The disease is relentless and decline is inevitable, but a good MC can address his needs. You are not giving up on him to place him in MC. You are responsibly responding to the situation at hand.

If you live somewhere with a variety of care options, look around. One MC is not the same as the next. If you can look at MC-only options, that will also provide a useful benchmark.

lenelson23

I'm sorry - My Mom also was diagnosed with VD and ALZ this year, and it's progressed. We moved her to MC, and she actually settled right in. She has behaviors - Anxiety, but it was unmanageable for her at home. And I did look at Assisted Living first, but now know, and cannot imagine her being able to thrive is AL.

As someone told me as well, if your asking "Is it time?", "It's time", and I didn't want to admit it - it's hard - and the guilt is so very overwhelming. But, I will say much of that guilt has now dissipated. I am relieved to know she's well taken care of. She actually has relationships with her caregivers and has started using their phrases of endearment. But It is still hard. Mom just celebrated her 72nd birthday and we took her out to dinner. She was having an off day and it was sad. We just couldn't get her out of the episode. She is becoming more and more depended on the routine and structure, which is a good thing - she needs it and I see her happy and thriving, but does make it hard to do things in the "outside" world with her.

I have been taking her out to dinner once/twice a week, but even that is becoming challenging at times. I see the shift to visiting her just in the facility coming. Again, this is moving very fast.

And as mentioned, good MC places will get to know your father and engage him in meaningful ways and he will be safe.

Deep breath and know whatever choice you make it made with love.

April23

"If you think it may be time, it is probably past time."

What a powerful statement and one I agree with wholeheartedly. I think families in general wait too long, make excuses for behavior, etc. and my family was no different. It is only 2 years later that I see the signs we missed initially.

terei

Sometimes PWD do better not going out. It is stressful for them to have their routines to be disrupted + to have to make decisions that they cannot handle. We started to bring special meals in and eat at the MC in her room. I’d bring flowers + ‘wine’ and she seemed much happier not going out any more. Don’t project your own feelings about wanting to go places and do things…sometimes they just want things not to change.

SDianeL

Yes it’s time. Is your Dad a veteran? If so have you looked into VA benefits? Before you move him to MC I would speak to his doctor about anti anxiety medications to calm him. Be specific about his behavior. It will help their focus transition to MC. Remember his safety is the most important thing. You aren’t doing this to him, you are doing it for him.

April23

“Don’t project your own feelings about wanting to go places and do things…sometimes they just want things not to change.”

Yet another thing I needed to hear, thank you!