Parents Against Me
My parents were both narcissistic before dementia, and it’s been a nightmare since the disease progressed. I moved them out of their unsafe house with stairs, brought them across the country to be closer to family, and got them into assisted living temporarily while I worked to find a long-term solution.
Despite doing everything to protect and stabilize them, they’ve turned on me in ways I never imagined-constant false accusations, hostility, and telling caregivers and staff terrible things about me. They refuse to take my calls now.
To make things worse, my dad’s sister has been fueling their delusions, long before I even stepped in to help. It’s a mix of narcissistic abuse and dementia- and it’s devastating after spending the past year of my life trying to get them to safety.
Has anyone else gone through this kind of betrayal from parents with dementia? How do you cope or set boundaries when they rewrite reality against you?
This all stems from their lifelong guilt and shame. They’ve convinced people that I’m a bad person in every possible way. It’s not just the dementia-I’m a living reminder of decades of past abuse, now intensified by their decline. It’s the most horrible situation, and I honestly don’t know how to handle it anymore.
Comments
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I completely understand how you are feeling. Ive been slapped, hair pulled, accused of stealing her things. Now she is having hallucinations of spiders, rabbits, men in her room. Close relative accusing me of stealing now because they are believing every thing she says.
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Hugs!
My pwd has been heard telling family members that I have a mean-streak. That is what I personally hear. God only knows the descriptors being used that I don't hear.
No family members reach out to me, despite my having told them of her diagnosis; and despite their knowing that I have my own life-threatening disease dealing with.💔
I basically no longer interact with anyone. They have obviously chosen to believe her. I trudge this long, lonely, road alone.
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Welcome. People with dementia often suffer from anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their own limitations and symptoms. Because of this they tend to see the person trying to protect and care for them as controlling and sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong. Anything they can’t figure out how to work or use, or object they loose, it all gets blamed on the person working their butt off to keep them safe. I also found this creates lot of resentment and amplifies any preexisting issues. In add to that it’s not uncommon for a person with dementia to lack a filter, which only makes things worse. I found it very hard to know what was the dementia and what was mom just not liking me very much. It stinks! Medication has helped mom some, but it took a long time to get it sorted out. You said you moved them to Al temporarily. Where are they going from there? My mom told me that living with me would be her worst nightmare. I will not put either of us through that, it’s not even an option. Keep your own mental health in mind when you consider the next steps. You did the right thing in moving them to a safe place! I have stopped talking to my brother. I feel so much less stressed. I tried so hard, but he just has his head in the sand and blames me for everything. We say here often that you can’t reason with a person with dementia, but I believe there are some people without dementia that can’t be reasoned with either.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/295/anosognosia
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Hi hallie35 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.
my MIL has no idea who I am any longer, has screamed at me several times, kicked at me, and has said terrible things about me, to myself and others. Her sister helps us on occasion and knows these things are not true. Most other family has simply ghosted us.
My mother and I were never close, so I understand the years of indifference. However, she's actually nicer to me now because she thinks I'm her sister. Go figure!
All of 'this' is just so bizarre. And I HATE 'it'.
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Thank you! This is the first time I've reached out and feel so supported.
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Sadly you can’t set boundaries with people with dementia. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. I know it’s going to be difficult but try to separate their past behaviors from the dementia behaviors. Many people who were not narcissists in the past exhibit the same behaviors your parents are now exhibiting. Delusions and confabulations are common and often taken out on the primary caregiver. Learn all you can about the disease and caregiving so you can help them. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. Come here often for info and support.
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Thank you, this really means so much. To make things worse, my dad's sister is driving them crazy fueling their dementia and expanding on their delusions against me. It's the most horrible situation and I'm just beside myself. I will research your suggestions. It's such a sad situation.
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Sadly, I on the same boat as you. In fact, I just got a phone call from my mom an hour ago yelling at me and why I came here. To not feel so alone in this.
My mom and I always got along, but she too has/had narcissistic tendencies. I've done everything for her on this journey and she's turned on me. To the point of wanting me off her Will (which she can't). She's in Memory Care and HATES IT!! I try everything possible to make her happy. Nothing works. My older brother is the golden child. But, I'm okay with that because my mom needs someone she can trust.
My mom is in denial she has moderate alzheimers. Even with an official diagnosis. She had an MRI done and bloodwork to prove it. She won't accept it because she's also very, very vain (even pre Alz), stubborn and i know fearful too. My mom talks so bad behind my back about me. She's convinced all her friends how horrible I am. A few even called Adult Protective Services on me for putting her in Memory Care. I don't know how she does it, but she can act somewhat normal in front of them, but they don't see all her antics, mood swings, confusion, wetting herself, not bathing, etc.. They just visit a couple hours and don't get the full picture. Then I'M the one that looks crazy for putting her there. Sooo frustrating and I feel so alone.
I could go on and on, but I'm right there with you. I'm new to this, so I'm not able to offer advice. Just comfort that I understand.
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@StayCeeLynne Hi and welcome…
Just some info - 'she can act somewhat normal' - This is called 'showtiming'. Our LO can literally put on a show that things aren't as bad as they seem. They will often do this both with other family members and friends, but also in a doctor's office. Sometimes it helps to video some of the worst behavior for the doctor (doc's eyes only!). Our LO doc believes us, but some may shrug it off if your LO is showtiming.
edit to add: MIL can only keep up the showtiming for a short time, and it does tire her out more.
Your mom may seem like is in denial. This is actually anosognosia. It is not denial, but rather, the total inability to recognize that anything is wrong. They see 'their reality', so in trying to tell them otherwise will only get them agitated. If they see the sky is green, ok, then, it is green…
A lot of us are pretty much alone in this. DH and I have each other, her sister, and one heck of a daytime caregiver. We are blessed to have this much.
Something to keep in mind - -
Rule #1: Do not argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Must take care of yourself! Rule #2: See rule #1, both of them
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OMG! So many of these comments ring true with me. To be honest, I was naively hoping for a "Do this and it will get better." answer. My adult brain knew there would not be one but, the kid brain was still hopeful. One huge benefit that I do have is that while I am the main caregiver, my sister helps and is supportive especially in confirming that I am not the crazy one. :)1
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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