new to group but not to dementia

Waghead

Hi All, I am not sure what I can do to help my husband when he yells at me so much. I can't write DH because he has been verbally abusive for a very long time. He also has GAD,OCD and depression. That is along with dementia. His mother had dementia as well so he watched what happened to her. He has been on Aricept for about one year now. he is a retired attorney that " doesn't want to be told what to do." He gets angry and yells at me for asking simple questions like" did you try your new cpap mask last night?" He constantly talks over me. I can barely get 3 words of a sentence out before he is yelling a response. Most of the time, if he would allow me to finish the sentence, he would discover that what he assumed I was going to say, was wrong. I ask him to allow me to finish my sentence, wait until I have finished talking and he gets mad and says that I am always talking. Not true. He has been like this for at least 15 years. It has been going on so long that I don't know how it will stop. I should have left him long ago, but he has no other family. No kids or siblings. He has distant cousins in the area, and I reached out to one of them after my husband started yelling at a man holding a small child in a parking lot. Husband lied about the events. I haven't heard a thing from him or anyone of his other cousins. I didn't know how to leave a man with his mental problems, saying that I wouldn't leave someone with cancer. To me it made sense. I am not always able to remain calm and sometimes I yell at him. I know that it is not a healthy relationship for either of us. When approached about getting outside caregivers he said that won't let them in the house. At this point, he doesn't need a lot of hands-on care. He doesn't drive anymore. I make sure that he has plenty of food and put his meds on Monday through Sunday pill containers. I try to enrich his life by taking him places and try to set up lunches with his friends etc. I know that he has skipped taking his pills on occasion. Last week, he said that he was going to stop taking ALL his meds. My big question is, how to stay calm when someone is going berserk over simple things? I am exhausted, mad at myself for not being able to remain calm and out of ideas. Thanks for any advice. Wishing the best to my fellow caregivers.

Biggles

What an awful situation that brings you to this group. Not saying anything you don’t already know but this indiscriminate despicable disease is sole destroying. It leaves you doing battle on your own. It’s so isolating, as has been said (and worth looking up on this site) “the cavalry’s definitely not coming”, the medical field is ignorant of the help that is required and friends abandon you.
My DH has Aphasia and VD Stage 6/7 was a pilot and architectural draftsman, he generally is sweet and calm and is ever so kind. Although it is still so very sad and isolating so far I haven’t had to deal with anger. He also allows others to help in the house and garden and has a carer 2 hours a week. I don’t know how I would tackle a situation like yours but there are many on this site who are facing the frustration anger battle. If you can keep venting and reading it does help. Everyone on this site is so kind and understanding. You will find you are not alone and surprisingly it does help.

jgreen

Hi Waghead,

So sorry you have to be in this position. But glad you are here. As @Biggles said, this is a great resource for you. Come here often to vent, and learn from others.

Luckily I have not had to deal with anger issues at this point in our journey. A couple of things I’ve learned since joining this group is to be ready to call 911 if husband shows any signs of violence. And let paramedics know of husband’s diagnosis. Hide or lock up firearms, knives and sharp objects, bats, golf clubs, etc. Also, pick your battles carefully. If what husband is yelling about is not harmful and he is safe, let him rant. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be facing your own decline and not be able to do anything about it. You are just the only person close to him so he’s taking all those frustrations out on you - and I am so very sad for you.

I also recommend you contact an Elder Care Attorney and see that person alone. You need to get your affairs in order and protect your assets. This person might also be knowledgeable about navigating the system if husband becomes too much for you to care for, and especially if husband is retired attorney. It will be a delicate maneuver to get him to sign a power of attorney, and your Elder Care Attorney would be the best person to handle that if they think it best.

You are a caring person to stand by your husband in this most difficult of circumstances. I hope we hear from you again. God bless you.

Waghead

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/258265#Comment_258265

Thank you so much. I knew that I would find help here. Good luck and best wishes to you in your journey. It's hard but having others undrstand helps.

Waghead

Thank you so much. You give good advice. I won't hesitate to flee and call 911 if I feel it necessary. I already have durable and medical poa's, so I am good there. i have medical proxy to be able to handle the medical care calls etc. I have been handling the finances for a couple of years now. Husband has given up control of almost everything, so I feel comfortable in that regard. I appreciate the advice about picking battles. I feel that he is scared and remembers the way his mother turned into someone that nobody ever wants to be. It's all just sad. Thank you again. Best wishes to you

Waghead

I am glad that you DH hasn't gotten angry and mean and allows help to come in. I am happy for that for you

lori1308

My dh gets angry at times to. I to am not sure what to do. All I can say is take time for yourself and take care of yourself.

Waghead

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/258283#Comment_258283

Thank you, Lori, I am sorry that you are going through it too. Thank you for the advice. I try to stay out of the way when he starts yelling but that is not always possible. You are right. If we don't take care of ourselves, who is going to? Best of luck to you

SDianeL

welcome. So sorry you are going through this. None of us are perfect. We’re human. We make mistakes. Give yourself grace and try to do better. Aricept is for mental sharpness and does not slow progression and is not an anti-psychotic drug. Please talk to his doctor about his anxiety and agitation and request anti-psychotic meds to calm him. If possible ask for a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist who is best to manage meds for dementia behaviors. Your husbands memory is gone and he is confabulating events. He’s not knowingly lying. Try to separate his previous behaviors from his dementia. Learn all you can about the disease so you can help him. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. People with dementia have anxiety and usually take it out on their primary caregivers. It helped me to stop thinking of my DH as my spouse and instead think of him as my patient and me his nurse. That took some of the emotion out of things. To help me remain calm, I repeated the sentence many times a day that I learned here… “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.”

Waghead

Thank you so much SD. He has been on meds for his depression and anxiety for dozens of years. We have been together 31 years. He has also stopped taking his meds for a period of time which was extremely difficult. The threat of divorce was my last resort to get him to take his meds. Last week, when he said that he was going to stop taking all his meds, a panic went through me. He hasn't lost his memory entirely and that makes things better and worse. It's so hard on him to try to do something that he used to do and not be able to do it. I get it. The frustration and feeling of not being in control must be terrible. He has a long history of not wanting to do as his doctors say and then blames the doctors for his problems. He has many narcissistic tendencies that complete things even further. I will read the book and watch the videos. I really appreciate the referrals. The hardest part is what you mention above, separating old behavior from dementia behavior. In many ways, it looks alike. It's unfortunate that I have been diagnosed as having PTSD because of his emotional abuse towards me and childhood trauma. The childhood trauma is part of the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship when everyone around me told me to leave. I figured that I was strong enough and he needed me because he has no one else. I have been in counseling several times. I do my best but sometimes, I get triggered and respond in kind. I hate myself for that. One counselor said that he may not remember that I lost my cool, but I remember and I feel horrible for days after. I guess that is where showing myself grace comes in. I am not sure how to do it. My doctor prescribed Xanax for me to help deal with it all but taking Xanax for as long as I have will affect my memory over time. I think that it already has. I have version of your last sentence that I used before…One cannot reason with an unreasonable person. Your version is much more appropriate now. Now, I use the serenity prayer.

Thank you so much for your insights. I will watch, listen and hopefully learn. I appreciate being able to have others who have been through/ are going through this help me. It's amazing how friends drop out of sight when one could use some support. I have always been the one that people would come to with their problems. Even still, when some of these people know what is going on, they will ask for my time and support and not ever inquire how I am doing or how my husband is doing. I have started calling these people " what can you do for me now friends" I don't answer many requests for help anymore. At least, I am taking care of myself in that regard.

again, thank you so much for all your wise counsel.

Best wishes to you