My DH has changed and I’m afraid

Sanran01

my DH just turned 70 but has been struggling with issues for awhile. He changes moods, is depressed and withdrawn, does not have healthy hygiene , smokes both pot and cigarettes , drinks a lot ( beer wine) has juvenile diabetes insulin dependent .

He has started to misplace things, wallet keys, checkbook. He doesn’t pay bills so i have most on autopay. Recently he’s getting lost driving at night and calls me saying he doesn’t know where he is. Also leaves the house open, and the biggest problem is he makes breakfast and forgets to turn off the burner. He won’t go to his doctor whom I’ve called and discussed and says my DH has to make the appointment himself. He has been living in a spare room downstairs since February and stays up late and sleeps late with a lot of naps. The worst is when i ask him about his smoking he screams at me and tells me he doesn’t. My son doesn’t think anything is wrong but both my daughters do.

sorry about the length of this post but i don’t know what to do and it gets worse every day .

I have a therapist but i’m so tired of having to do everything and I feel very alone.

Robert1320

I feel much less alone since joining this group.

Have you contacted your local Council on Aging? They are familiar with local support services and your State's laws.

See ncoa.org for more information.

annie51

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Sounds like there is definitely something going on with him that needs to be addressed, for both your sakes. It’s very unfortunate that the doctor says your DH must make the appointment. Maybe you can use your daughters to help talk to him? I wish I had some sage advice for you but I can only offer a sympathetic ear.

Sweetwater

There are many issues here that need to be addressed. He should not be driving at night or any other time. Disappear the car keys, disable the car. It sounds as though he needs constant supervision, no cooking. Put pressure on his doctor with videos, his daughters' input. Can you water down the alcohol? How does he obtain the alcohol? Are you currently working? This situation needs serious action from you and your children.

SDianeL

welcome. So sorry you are going through this. We understand what you are going through. Have a safe space in your house you can go if he becomes aggressive and call 911. Have him taken to a Geriatric Psyche unit and admitted. Tell them you do not feel safe. Refuse to allow him to come home until they get him calm. You must stop him from driving and cooking. If he’s in an accident your insurance could refuse to pay. Fib to him to get him to go to the doctor. Tell him his insurance requires an annual visit. If you have access to his patient portal send the doctor a message before the appointment. Do not tell your husband it’s about his memory. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Learn all you can about dementia. Don’t argue with him. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. You can’t get him to stop smoking or drinking by talking to him about it. You have to find a way to remove it from your house. Have your children read the book I mentioned above. It will help them understand. Come here often for info and support.

terei

Very good advise from SDiane. Take control of what you can + use any ruse to get him to be evaluated by a doctor. If you do not feel safe, call 911 + have him taken to ER + then to Geri Psych to be evaluated and possibly medicated. Do not accept him back into the house until his behavior is controlled. Do not accept abuse.

Sanran01

Update,

thank you all for your advice. I was recently diagnosed with pneumonia and my dr suggested that my DH be checked as well as he’s been coughing. Today when i returned home from volunteering he told me he had made an appointment. I was elated . Spoke with my daughter to see if she could accompany him to make sure the cognitive test were done and she was happy to oblige. To make double sure his doctor would do any tests I called the office . I was somewhat surprised and concerned when i found out no such appointment had been made and that his doctor isnt even in office tomorrow. So my DH was not being truthful.

I emailed his dr asking for any advice or suggestions on how to get my DH into his office. To be clear i am not afraid of him harming me or anyone, im more concerned that he might be aware of some changes and he does not want to be evaluated .

So tomorrow when he’s supposedly going to the dr my daughter is going to come over and kid him into lunch. When he tells her he has an appointment she’ll offer to take him. I guess we will see .

What if his dr won’t help me? What else can i do ? We’ve been married for 42 years i care about his health and safety as do my children. Are there any other resources for us?

jgreen

Hi @Sanran01

Perhaps you have an Area Council on Aging, or a type of “Senior Center” that would know of resources for you?

Just recently I accompanied my DH to his doctor’s appointment and requested a consult with a neurology group. I was told ‘don’t expect much’ and replied back, ‘the consult is as much for me as for him! I want to know what resources are available for us and not have to keep doing this on my own!’ I got the consult!

Be firm with your primary doctor. I don’t know why but asking for a second opinion seems to bruise the ego! It’s not our problem!

I hope things work out for you. Hugs.

Ambriel

It takes a lot of my creativity to get my husband to the memory care doctor. Initially, I made an appt for him & told the doctor’s office of the situation. That I should see & talk to the doctor first & relay all the signs & symptoms of my husband. I told my husband to accompany me to the doctor w/c he was willing to do so & when we got there, I went & talked to the doctor privately. Afterwards, I walked to my husband & told him how great this doctor is & since we’re both there, he better see him too. We’re fortunate that we truly have a wonderful MC doctor. And that was the only way I could convince my husband to see his doctor & do labs regularly.