DH fixated on being able to drive.

Color Blue

DH is so fixated on being able to drive again he has become very depressed and says life is not worth living. He says he feels like he is in jail and can't do anything. I can drive him anyplace he would like to go. When I ask him where he would like to go he doesn't have an answer. Dr.'s have told him he shouldn't drive and had him tested at a rehab clinic. He failed the test but keeps saying they are wrong. I have sent in a form to the DMV to see if he can be tested. Waiting for an answer. I am afraid what will happen if he fails it-which i believe he will. I don't know who to reach out to. I suggested a therapist but he says all they do is talk and don't help. He is on 2 anti depressant medicines.

jgreen

Dear, Blue,

I am so sorry you are going through this. That loss of independence must be so very frustrating! Just think of how we would feel if the tables were reversed and we couldn’t drive anymore.

My DH was told by doctor not to drive t months ago and still demands the keys! I’ve learned he does not understand when I tell him he is not allowed to drive anymore and just gets angry. Instead, I have different responses ready when this comes up. If I sense he wants to go somewhere and I am able at the moment, I will say “it IS a lovely day for a drive. I feel like driving today” and I proceed to get in the driver’s seat. If I cannot go at the moment because I am doing something that will take some time, I acknowledge his feelings with “it’s tough that you can’t go right now. If you can help me with _____ maybe we can go on a bit.” That shows I am listening to him. Sometimes these replies work and other times not - just keep trying to divert and get your DH on something else.

Do hide the keys; maybe move the car where he cannot see it; see if a friend can help drive him places to give you a break.

Others on this forum have recommended the book The 36-hour Day and that book is loaded with tips for different behaviors. There are some good speakers that also have tips if you are into video sessions - Tam Cummings, Teepa Snow and The Careblazers website.

I know others will have advice for you along with lots of empathy and support - we’ve all been in your shoes. Take care of yourself.

Dio

It's downright devastating to lose one's independence and liberty. I certainly went through that with DH. It was an extremely difficult period. But for everyone's safety, I had to hold steadfast to hide car keys and deal with the wrath of his anger. I just kept repeating this is non-negotiable because of the risk and liability, not to mention we couldn't possibly live with ourselves if someone else got hurt. Hopefully, this phase will pass soon, as your DH begins to accept this "new normal."

ronda b

The Dr.said he should not drive. I don't think I would let him take the driving test. He could be having a good day. Also your ins. Will not probably cover him if he was in an accident no matter who's fault d/t the diagnosis of alz.. you could get sued.

Biggles

My DH gave up driving and reluctantly handed in his driving license anout 3 years ago. He still says he wants to drive and feels like he is in prison. He constantly checks on the car in the garage to make sure it hasn’t been pinched, he also constantly tells me how to drive, what I am doing wrong, when we should get new tyres and have the car serviced. He also gives me directions when we are driving, these are always opposite to the GPS it just confirms how mixed up they are. When it’s time to stop for safety’s sake to them and others they have to stop.

SDianeL

I agree with Rondab. I would not take him for a driving test. No point. He won’t believe them anyway. Just keep using redirection and distraction and keep blaming the doctor.

cavenson

I empathize. DH’s geriatric psychiatrist turned in a form to DMV, and his driver’s license was revoked 6 months ago. In addition to having AD, he’s 86 with limited mobility—can’t fully lift his right foot; so he kept his right foot on the gas and his left foot on the brake. We sold his SUV, and I made arrangements with family members and friends to take him for rides in his 1954 antique car, which is not kept at our home.

Within the last month, he has been answering ads on the internet trying to buy another SUV; so he receives lots of phone calls from dealers. He became very angry with me and his children when no one would take him to the bank to get money to send to someone out of state who was going to ship him a car. Then he began asking local dealers to bring a car to the house; but, fortunately, so far none have agreed to do this. Without DH’s knowledge, I do delete texts and emails and have answered his phone and told the salesperson his condition; but I can’t catch them all. Reasoning with him is a fruitless endeavor.

Yesterday, I gave in and let him drive his antique car to a mechanic. It’s a 15-minute drive, very little traffic, and he’s been to this same garage over 100 times in the last 20 years. He wanted me to follow him. I reviewed the three turns with him. What could go wrong? He missed the first turn. Of course, even though he was in front of me, it was my fault. I got his attention to pull off into a parking lot so he could turn around. He would then follow me. However, when I slowed down in a school zone with flashing lights, he decided to speed up and pass me. I know I can never let him behind the wheel again. I also dread his anger and ugly words. I sure wish this Alzheimer’s journey had an escape route. Sorry for the length of this post—I just needed to vent.

harshedbuzz

@Color Blue

You have my sincere sympathy on this aspect. We lived this with dad. Driving was not just about "independence" for him as much as it defined him as a man. The loss of that privilege— not right— was devastating for him. It sucked for him. It sucked for us.

You are more fortunate than many in that the doctor was willing to restrict his driving. This allows you to be his ally and not the person who took driving away from him. Many doctors abandon families around this decision and its enforcement in order to preserve their own relationship with the patient.

This brings up point. Two medical professionals, his doctor and the OT who did the driving assessment, both said he should not drive. For him to do so would be driving AMA. Under that circumstance, it is highly unlikely that your insurance policy would cover him. My parents' policy is voided for a driver the moment they're diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimer's. You can explore this with your agent.

There's a legal and ethical piece to this that applies to you. Were your DH in an accident that resulted in property damage, injury or death, you as POA/next of kin, can be held liable civilly and even criminally in some cases. You stand to lose everything.

Related to that, I went through a civil lawsuit related to driving with my mom. She does not have dementia but does have some vision issues. Both her ophthalmologists (because she sees 2 specialists related to 2 different conditions) cleared her to drive. After her second accident, she was sued with the plaintiff (a fitness instructor) claiming injury. The insurance company took care of all expenses associated and the woman did eventually settle out-of-court. But the process to almost 2 years and involved being deposed twice with the prospect of my suddenly frailer-looking mom in court. Picture your DH, with a degenerative neurological disease subjected to a 2-hour deposition almost a year after the fact. How do you think he'd present?

I really do feel for you around this because dad was relentless throughout the middle stages of dementia. His behavior was at times almost abusive. We reminded him it was the doctor's decision, not ours and that we'd take him anywhere he needed or wanted to go. Rinse and repeat. We did not go through the theater of taking his license or keys. Mom kept the keys to her cars locked up. He got angry on day accusing me of wanting to steal his Ford so I goaded him into selling it that afternoon. Otherwise, I would have had to sell it using the POA and create a fiblet about it being in for a recall.

In the later stages this still came up, but a lot of the wind had gone out of his sails. That said, the very last conversation we had, hours before he died, was me promising to bring his Ford to the MCF so he'd have a car should he want to go somewhere. By that point I could promise to do so which made him very happy.

HB

debriesea

DO NOT use the DMV to test his driving skills. That was our first attempt to stop his driving. He was allowed to keep taking the written until he passed it. The person testing his behind the wheel skills had him drive through the neighbor and was done in 11 minutes, saying he was ok to drive! The Dr then ordered the OT driving assessment, which he failed.

I was very fortunate that his anger about wanting to drive, which slowly escalated over 6 months, was tampered down with Lexapro and he never brought it up again.

Ambriel

Recalling on all the frustrations & stress between my DH & myself, I truly feel for you. My DH had always carried his keys in a lanyard around his neck & it was his Linus blanket. An auto repair shop suggested when i asked them to show me how to unplug the starter w/c was much trouble & instead get a dummy key from a key shop that can start the car but not drive. It was a saving grace & I felt more secured that he can’t drive the car esp when I’m not home. If it happens when we are together & he insists on driving, his key wouldn’t start then I offer to get to the driver seat using my key & start driving. Most of the time, I hop until the driver’s seat before he does & say, “May I drive? I miss driving! or I know how to get to this new place, or I love watching you sing & dance while we’re in the car as I blast the music”. Eventually he got used to idea without bad feelings from each other.