Balance

sjmcmill

My DH is 25 year older than I am. He is 94, I am 69. I've known this was coming for about 15 years. Early years were challenging, but COVID was the hammer that drove nails into the structure of our lives.

I moved him into a MC about a year ago. I was dealing with other "stuff" at the (my brother was killed in an automobile accident). Initially I was trying to visit him 3-4 times a week. I was also working on self-care and doing some travel. But he was NOT thriving. Had lost a lot of weight. Was sleeping alot. Lots of anxiety and paranoia.

About 6 months ago, I moved him to an AL facility and moved in with him. I kept our condo and have been doing a respite day there each week. He wants me with him 100% of the time. But I'm feeling the need for more breathing space.

I'm thinking about reducing my time at the AL facility and increasing my time at our condo. This is likely going to increase my care costs. I can still afford his care for now, but I'm starting to be concerned about what this might mean for having the resources for taking care of myself in old age (I have no children).

Would appreciate advice on how to find balance in a situation like this.

Victoriaredux

Hello-I assume you mean two kinds of balance — financial and balancing how you spend your time.

Have you done planning with an elder care attorney - see if your husband can qualify for the type of medicaid that covers care homes? Have documents in place to cover all situations -do you hold his DPOA? Who holds yours, he can't do it anymore.

Guessing you are currently performing care functions in the AL that would be covered in a MC and that's why your costs would go up if you spend more respite time away.

Are there plans in place if you are all of a sudden not able to be there for him—emergency surgery etc- is there someone to step in to get him placed in MC or arrange for the needed supplemental care? Have you discussed your possible reduction in "on campus"residency time with the AL? They may be concerned about having a higher needs person in an open AL setting .

The attorney can also review how things are titled to try to save money for your future . Or review estate plans already in place if he has children he wanted to inherit something.

If there are non Roth IRAs discussing them with a tax person while you have high medical costs [check if AL qualifies] could be to your advantage - all this is very personalized so get professional advise you understand . Waiting, punting or cobbling a plan from internet comments is the wrong way to go. You are smart to plan now , there are usually no do-overs .