Father says hurtful things and still expects me to help

milabila

so my dad’s decline is progressing where he shows bizziare behavior at times and says really hurtful things especially regarding my own health. It makes me not want to full his pill planner with his meds or assist with day to day tasks. What are some tips to stay motivated although your loved one gets really mean?

SDianeL

remember it’s the disease talking and not your Dad. It helped me to think of my husband as my patient and me his nurse. It took some of the emotion out of it. Your relationship with your LO changes when they have dementia. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which really helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Teepa Snow or Tam Cummings. They are on YouTube. Talk to his doctor about his behavior and ask for anti-psychotic medications. The best type of doctor to manage those meds is a Geriatric Psychiatrist. Get a referral to one if you can. Don’t try to reason with your Dad. His reasoner is broken. His behavior is caused by his anxiety. So sorry you are going through this. Hugs. 💜

H1235

sDianel has given great advice. You’re not alone in dealing with this. Mom is very critical of everything I do. Everything is blamed on me. I work my but off for her. My brother does nothing and can somehow do no wrong. I try to remind myself that she is lashing out because of anger and anxiety over all the independence she has lost. I also remind myself that her brain is just not working right. I common rule here is never try to reason with a person with dementia. If you try he is just going to get upset! You are caring for someone with a mental illness. Accepting this may allow you to better cope. If it doesn’t matter, just agree with him. Another idea is to change the subject. I found my brother wants to include mom in all decisions. She was not capable of processing these decisions and would become upset. Do what needs to be done without looking for his input. Lastly if it’s going to upset him fib. Mom is often asking me to bring her a copy of her bank statement. I know this will confuse her and probably upset her. I apologize and tell her I forgot it each time she asks. There is no point in explaining that she doesn’t need to see it or that it would upset her. I think the fib is kinder. Lashing out is probably caused by anxiety. It might be worth talking with his doctor about medication.

Anonymousjpl123

The key seems to be holding onto yourself, grounding yourself, and then meeting your dad where he is.

At my mom’s memory care they use validation technique. You start by grounding yourself in what YOU are feeling when someone does/says something hurtful. When you feel more calm, and have acknowledged how a comment impacted you, you turn your attention back to the person with dementia but with a clearer head and compassion for what they need, are feeling, etc.

It sounds pie in the sky but works.

When my mother says hurtful things - even now, when she’s in stage 6 and her words mostly don’t make sense - I still find myself reacting sometimes. It’s not easy to have someone you’re caring for say hurtful things. I ackowledge it, remember her mind is broken, and remind myself that even if the only part of her brain that works is saying mean things it’s still not about me.

Do you have any help? family? Hospice? It’s good not to take all of this on alone.

milabila

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259019#Comment_259019

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259019#Comment_259019

thank you so much 😊

milabila

I really appreciate this 🫶🏾

milabila

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259040#Comment_259040

I really appreciate this 😊..unfortunately no help from family of friends. The ones around are only trying to take advantage of him. I am currently working with an attorney to file for guardianship or other legal options to get him skilled nursing facility care.

Anonymousjpl123

I am so glad he has you. He is VERY lucky. And you should feel good that you are doing right by him.