Home visit

D1car

My wife has been in memory care for 3 years now and Im thinking of bringing her home for thanksgiving dinner with our daughters and grandchildren.

My youngest daughter has had Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 5 years, but cannot this year. My older daughter does not have a large enough house to accommodate everyone.

Would it be wise to bring her back home for the afternoon? I think she sometimes still thinks about getting out of memory care or used to. Im not sure if she still does.

Does anyone have any experience with this situation or any thoughts?

stumptoe

I have having the same problem. I’m afraid that if I bring my wife home she will not be willing to return to the assisted living apartment. On one occasion that I had her in the car, she would not get out when we returned to her facility. It took a long time to convince her to get out. I’m afraid if I brought her home she would refuse to leave

jgreen

Maybe you could visit her there at the facility for brunch or dessert after your family dinner?

Remember, your wife most likely will not know or understand the difference between the thanksgiving holiday from any other day. This holiday should be a stress free time for you and your family. I am sure your wife would feel the love from you and those who visit with her for a short time.

I found a nice YouTube video about making the holidays less stressful and listed the title and a link in a post titled “Home for the Holidays”. It goes over setting boundaries with visiting family, travel, ideas for you to find periods of respite, and more. I found many of the ideas useful and som even validating.

I wish you a peaceful holiday.

SiberianIris

Every person with dementia is different, but this is definitely NOT something I would do with my 96 y.o. mom.

We will visit her in MC in small groups before and after the actual holiday. She's in early stage 6. The concerns with taking her out would be getting her to return to MC, falls, and a possible bout with incontinence. Last Christmas, before she went to MC, she was in early stage 5. Falls and incontinence were not a concern then. We had a small family gathering with her children, grandchildren, and great grand children - about 20 people. She had a good time, but afterwards kept asking me "who were all those people?" She thought her great grandchildren were her grandchildren. She couldn't place her actual grandchildren, since they're now in their 30-40's, and their spouses really threw her for a loop.

If you regularly take your wife on outings out of memory care and she returns to it without issue, then it might be fine. Be aware that the high energy of having many people together for a holiday might be stressful for her, even if she once loved it. Have a quiet area she can retreat to if needed, and be prepared to possibly return her to MC earlier than planned.

SDianeL

I would answer the following questions to help you decide: Gave you taken her out of the facility lately? If so, how did she react when you took her back? Does she have anxiety or agitation? Is she incontinent? Is she a fall risk? Do her daughters and grandchildren visit her in the facility? Does she recognize them? Can she carry on a conversation? I never took my DH out of memory care because he constantly asked to go home.

D1car

Thanks everybody for the responses they were all helpful and gave me several things to think about. The biggest of which, is she really going to get anything out of it.

Thanks

Traveler18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259073#Comment_259073

Agreed! Given that every person is different, you will need to assess where her head is at. My DH has been in MC for 8 months now. He wanted to "go home" when he first got there, then just wanted to get out and about, then had some mobility issues and I couldn't take him anywhere, then he was recovered and we were going out again for drives. In the Spring, our youngest graduated from high school and I had our son go by the MC facility before commencement and we took photos outside. It was wonderful and we celebrated together. I then didn't feel badly that DH didn't get to see him graduate or be at the open house party. Less stress on all of us and it would have been overwhelming for DH. Last month I had him out for a drive and drove him past the three places we have lived over the past 20+years. He may have vaguely remembered the oldest one, but had no recollection of our current home. So, it doesn't matter to him where or when we celebrate things. We take the less-stressful route for all. I am so appreciative that our MC facility offers Thanksgiving dinner and families can sign up to join the resident. No cooking or clean-up for me!