Fights about the dumbest things

tishyo

the person I share a house with for the last 11 years - not a spouse or a legal partner - was diagnosed about two years ago, didn't tell me for about a year. I am not an official caregiver but in essence I am.

I am retiring now and wondering how I will cope. When I worked it wasn't so bad but now I am here all the time. THis is not How I had planned my retirement years. the issue right now is we have fights about the dumbest things so I just walk away as there is no point in having the argument. I am sure this is typical but is that the best solution and how long do I let this go on?

Maru

I think that if I were in your shoes, I would first determine who is the next of kin and have a conversation with that person. I foresee all kinds of issues that could leave you in a vulnerable position legally. If this person has dementia, it will only get worse, even if he/she opt to take some of the meds that are out there.

Your first question re: best solution…either agree with everything your housemate says or quietly walk away.

Second question re: how long do you let this go on…that depends. Is this person simply a housemate or is this person someone you love and have been in a partner relationship with. Leaving a housemate is easy, a partner that you love, not so much. Either way, you should know that caretaking for someone with dementia is challenging and exhausting and eventually a 24 hour a day job. If you have a choice about being this person's caretaker, I recommend that you do a deep dive into what that will look like before making your decision. Good luck.

harshedbuzz

@tishyo

It's important to understand that dementia is a progressive and terminal disease that can have a course of 10 to 15 years. The critical piece here is to ask yourself if you want to be this person's caregiver. In time, a PWD will come to need assistance dressing, hygiene, toileting, feeding as well as 24/7 supervision.

It's not clear from your post whether yours is a romantic relationship, friendship or something else. Your next steps might involve seeing an attorney to protect yourself and contacting this person's next of kin. This could be complicated if you share ownership of property or if one has tenant rights.

HB

sandwichone123

An important question would be who owns the house or is on the lease. It's easy to leave, but hard to evict someone with dementia unless they have family that will take over.

H1235

Welcome. Sorry you need to be here. The number one rule with dementia is NEVER try to reason with them! If it’s something that doesn’t matter, let it go. Try to get used to just being wrong about everything. Sometimes it’s best to just do what needs to be done without discussing it with the person with dementia. Do you really need their input? Distracting the person with dementia can also work well. When all else fails a fib may be necessary to avoid anger and upset. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their limitations or symptoms. It’s common in the middle stages and very difficult to deal with. One of the most important things to do when first diagnosed is to get legal matters in order. A durable power of attorney is a must for whoever is going to be responsible for him. You have a lot to consider! I will attach a couple of resources that may help you get a feel for the situation.

DBAT.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

eaglemom

I'm glad that you've found us. You indeed have ask good questions and received some good answers. I'm wondering why they didn't tell you for a year? Was it fear that you'd leave? Or something else? During that time did they share this news with anyone? Or was it just that it took them a year to grasp it themselves? I don't know any of those answers, I'm just trying to get you to think about the situation.

Personally I'd make certain your financially set up without including this person. That might sound selfish, but its to protect you. Do they have their legal and financial affairs in order? If not that has to happen now. Tough decisions need to be made by them. Do they have family?

I don't want to overwhelm you with questions and things to do, etc. I think you get the point. No one wants this as their retirement, and the arguments will only continue. Which, by the way, you will never win an argument with a person with dementia. Just agree, even when they are wrong, and walk away.

As questions, vent, whatever, we are here to help.

eagle